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Friday, August 19, 2005

In Vino Veritas

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh!" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you." ~A.A. Milne

There are caveats to every facet of life. Nothing is really black and white. Four years isn’t a long period of time and yet it is. As humans and emotional beings we learn from one another and four years is long enough to learn and change and perhaps learn some more. In four years you and your roommate, neighbor or acquaintance can grow into one another. We learn each others habits and respective caveats.

I love that we put up walls not solely to keep people out but to see who will tear them down.
I do it all of the time. It doesn’t make me bitchy but human and proves that I am a little scared, then again, aren’t we all?

Two and a half years ago, I disappeared for a weekend. I didn’t go far, just to the apartment I had recently leased, just a block away from school. I left and told no one and when I returned later that weekend my friends shunned me. Yes they were angry, but also hurt and scared. “Did you have friends before that didn’t care where you were?” I will never forget Liz asking me that and how badly I felt about myself and the way I was around others.

Relationships of any sort are hard to bear and are based on trust. Who can you trust to tear down those walls that will inevitably be put up? Who will always be there no matter what time or what day? Does it matter that this person or these people have only been around for four years or even two years?

Elementary school through the end of middle school make me cry and embarrassed just to think about them. Maybe one day I can elaborate, because even after two years of psychotherapy, I still cannot. The point is that by high school I had to put up these walls. Not just the regular brick kind, but brick with barbwire at the top. I kept this up all through high school, because I was afraid that I would never have close friends; because I was afraid that the ‘friends’ I had weren’t real and that they would just disappear and I would be left alone-trapped inside of my walls.

I have these discussions with Kim, where she’s literally inside of my head. I think about something possibly five hours beforehand and later, when I mention to her “what do you think about this?” she can tell me exactly what I had been thinking. It’s quite scary actually. I want friends like Kim and Liz, and thanks to God I have them, because if not, those two years of therapy would not be enough.

I put up walls when I’m scared which is more often than not, I will finally admit. There are people that in less than four years have learned to tear down the walls and save me from me.


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