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Monday, September 12, 2005

The Real World Blues

“A mistake which is commonly made about neurotics is to suppose that they are interesting. It is not interesting to be always unhappy, engrossing with oneself, malignant and ungrateful, and never quite in touch with reality”.- Cyril Connolly

The worst feeling in the world, besides grief I suppose, is being made to feel inferior or even stupid and idiotic. Like you are quite possibly the most incompetent person one could ever lay eyes on. At least this is how I feel today.

Incompetent and like my sole purpose in life is to be shit on by other people who believe themselves to be infallible. And yes, I’m pissed. And I don’t want to be told that having others make me feel this way is either a) part of the territory; b) normal; or c) something that I just need to “get over”.

I’m thisclose to just saying fuck it to everything. To being thrown into the lion’s den of being adult and to people assuming that I have ESP. It’s like people-parents, friends, whomever-feels that they can just snap their fingers and suddenly this will happen. That’s not how the world works and why should I be treated that way?

Maybe I should get over it (my God I am contradictory) as it will not be changing anytime soon. And people get frustrated and feel the need to play the blame game when it is something that is out of their control. That’s what it is, right now I’m still in pergatory and I feel like everything is out of my control. I doubt those around me walk around saying “hmmm, how can we make Heather feel inept today?” Thankfully the people I surround myself with, will genuinely worry and feel badly about me feeling badly. It will all be forgotten by tomorrow, but I’ll replay it over and over again, wondering what I did wrong and how I can do better. My jaw will bear the brunt of this.

Elenor Roosevelt once said “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”; that’s it; I’m giving people my consent to make me feel like crap, and I just need to stop.

1 Comments:

Blogger Lizzie said...

Being made to feel like an idiot is one of the worst feelings in the world. If you're like me, then it's definitely not something you can get over just like that, even if that actual circumstance itself was rather insignificant. I don't know if what you're referring to happened at work but if it did, then I can definitely sympathize. At my last job, one of my main duties seemed to be to take crap from bankers and lawyers (often on a conference call with several other people) when the lawyer I was working with was too much of a wimp to take it himself. I knew I shouldn't let it get to me but it always did, even though I knew the people giving it to me were insecure jerks (and that, in fact, I was being berated for someone else's mistake). The best I can tell you is that eventually you start to develop a thicker skin for things like that and don't feel quite so sensitive. It sucks though, no doubt about it.

3:44 PM  

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