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Monday, September 12, 2005

Resume Builder 101

"Who doesn't want a shortcut to greatness?"- The Contender

Step 1: Pick an over arching goal of what you really would like to accomplish when all is said and done. Make sure you have no way of accomplishing that goal until 2036.

Step 2: Spend the first two years of high school failing classes.

Step 3: Spend the last two years of high school taking AP/University courses. Get upwards of a full year of college worth of credit. And prove all your teachers from the first two years wrong.

Step 4: Pick an overpriced private university to attend, in place of the Ivy league school you got into for free. Pick this overpriced private university because of the various internship opportunities.

Step 5: Skip at least two class meetings of each class per semester. Cry at your professor when your "printer stops working" and you can't print out a paper, when in reality, you just didn't do it.

Step 6: Have your first internship be at a parent's company. If neither of your parents work at a company in your field of interest, find a family member or family friend.

Step 7: Get a 'C' or two (actually four) in your major courses.

Step 8: Have your second internship be with a very famous person in your chosen field. You may become bored to tears, but keep plugging away.

Step 9: Make sure your third internship is personable. Become BFF with your internship coordinator.

Step 10: Have a screaming match with one of your bosses. Make sure said person, kisses your ass everytime he/she sees you after the screaming incident.

Step 11: Do one more internship for good measure. Stay there and refuse to leave even when your time is up.

Step 12: Be bored sometimes, but learn a lot. Don't worry, you will get noticed.

Step 13: Give up on interning. Especially when you have no luck finding a subsequent internship.

Step 14: Recall "being noticed" as part of step 12. Find someone that noticed you. He/She will find you the job of your dreams, which you will get sans interview.

Step 15: Continue to get 'C's. But manage to get A's in any course that has to do with your internships.

Step 16: Make interning your life.

Step 17: The job from Step 14, should be one in which you work tirelessly for 50 hours a week.

Step 18: While working 50 hours a week, Seven days a week, take 13 credits, even though you really only need 6 to graduate.

Step 19: Inhale caffeine like it's your second job.

Step 20: Have your first 'real job' end horribly, due to circumstances out of your control (it's actually a little over half of the population to blame).

Step 21: Become a lady who lunches (you know golfing, Oprah, and lunches at panera).

Step 22: leave the country.

Step 23: Blame step 21 and step 22 on working so much during college and that you need a serious break.

Step 24: Be drunk in a foreign country every night for four months.

Step 25: At the end of those four months abroad, realize that the credit bureaus are going to start calling and that maybe you should get a job.

Step 26: Run out of money. Utterly and completely out of money

Step 27: Graduate while being jet lagged. It's a lot more fun that way.

Step 28: Spend six weeks watching Ellen, Oprah, and Days of Our Lives and golfing. While simultaneously freaking out about finding a job.

Step 29: Recall that person in step 12 who noticed you. That person will keep noticing you and become your mentor.

Step 30: Keep spending your parents money. Don't worry, they won't mind

Step 31: GET A JOB!

Step 32: Make sure said job is at your first choice place to work.

Step 33: Thank your mentor profusely and purchase said person gifts from faraway lands.

Step 34: Be thankful that you've found a job with wonderful and fun people.

Step 35: Make sure your boss(es) share your ideals and is someone that you can look up to.

Step 36: Become incredibly cheesy when talking about work, because you love your job that much. But don't let the people you work with know.

Step 37: Write/blog about your first year out of college so that others that will be graduating after you realize that even when things feel completely shitty, it will get better.

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