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Thursday, October 06, 2005

Closing Doors

You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith. ~Mary Manin Morrissey

I've been fired once before. During the fall of my senior year of high school while working at the Beverwyck; an assisted living type place, with a fine dining restaurant. Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, I was a waitress once, and I will be damned if I ever do it again, but I digress. Many of my friends worked there including my Junior prom date Tim. My boss was Mary. A bottle blonde woman with crossed eyes and thick glasses. Mary was a bitch and I vehemently abhorred her, but I went to work, including holidays. One evening, I had finished my 'side work' and a friend of mine said that she would give me a ride home, so I, along with several others, left. The next day I receive a message, from crazy eyed Mary, saying that I need not come in that day, or ever again, because I had been fired and to return my uniform immediately. Alrighty then; I contemplated calling and saying such things as "what the fuck you crazy eyed bitch…??!?" But stopped myself and said fuck it. I'd be more than happy to return my uniform and get out of there. Case in point-unhappiness and rude senior citizens begets ecstasy upon being fired.

The one job I have been fired from, I despised and wasn't a job I just had to have. And yes I suppose I deserved to be fired, I did leave early because I thought I was finished, so clearly a misunderstanding. I still always-I'm talking every 30 seconds-thinking that every time I fuck up that I'll be fired.

Which is also why now, whenever someone calls me into their office and then says "Close the door" my heart speeds up. My jaw clenches. The tears (and who said I wasn't a public crier) start to well up. I get anxious and my empty bank account flashes before my eyes. Even when I know that I have done nothing wrong, it's my first thought. I constantly feel like I'm fucking up. Like I'm not doing something right and that very soon, I will be berated and/or fired for doing terrible things. Mind you, all of the "terrible" things I've done thus far, haven't even been a result of my actions, it's a result of others not able to comprehend simple things like "If you put diet coke in that car one more time, after I've told you seven other times not to, I will personally drop kick your ass."

Today was another closed door meeting, not even about something I did wrong, it was more about something I may or may not be getting, but let's hope will be getting because OH MY GOD how will I go to IndeBleu or Nordstrom again without it.

I need to relax. I need to learn how to adjust, because so far this adjustment process isn't going very well. I clearly need to stop being a neurotic freak.


Blogger Sub Girl said...

awww it's ok! don't always fear the worst. there is something scary about your boss saying, "close the door" though!

9:27 AM  
Blogger mysterygirl! said...

I always fear the door-close, too. Nothing to be ashamed of! :)

4:10 PM  
Blogger Lizzie said...

I soooo know how that feels.

4:47 PM  

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