Conversations with Myself
A Weekend alone and shopping in two parts:
(Scene: Heather B. is in Montgomery Mall on a Saturday night (I have no life) in hopes to get her poor pink ipod fixed and to get black pants and some great fall boots. After going into Nordstrom and first being COMPLETELY ignored then asking for a boot in size 11 and the salesman returns with a size 10 and asks if I want that. Ummm no. If I wanted a size 10, I would have said please bring me a size 10. Then I would have done a happy dance, because HOLY SHIT, I wear a size 10. After that disappointment, Heather B. heads on to the Apple store. She’s a little irate, as she has just learned that Nordstrom sucks sometimes, but they’re too hard to hate. In the Apple store, she learns that her pretty pink ipod, is beyond repair. It’s physical damage as opposed to whatever else, and to repair physical damage is $199. Man at the Apple store suggest just buying a new one. Heather B. get’s very pissed and says something to the affect of “what other brand of mp3 player do you suggest? Because this shit sucks.” Oh and on her way out, she gives the guy the finger. THE FINGER. (Heather B. this is immaturity. Immaturity meet Heather B.)
Self: I think you need to calm the fuck down and take yourself to Sephora. Hanae Mori and Stila does wonders
Heather B: I think you’re right. I also need my new fall boots.
Self: Look Nine West. Look, a sale.
Heather B: Look at these gorgeous black fuck me boots. I bet they don’t have them in an 11
Self: Don’t be a cynic.
(The boots were available in a size 11 and fit like a motherfucking glove)
Heather B: (singing) I have new fuck me boots. I have new fuck me boots. I have new fuck me boots.
Self: Ok, seriously, stop.
Heather B: Look Coach, I’ll just browse.
Self: DO NOT GO IN.COACH IS EVIL. YOU CANNOT AFFORD ANYTHING IN COACH.
Heather B: I’ll just browse. It’ll be ok. Look! A fuck me bag. I want it. I have to have it. It’ll make up for my stupid ipod.
Self: I warned you…
(Heather B, has new fuck me boots and a new fuck me bag. WOOOO HOOO! Happy Birthday to me)
(Scene: Georgetown at 10:30 AM. Heather B. has just learned that shit doesn’t open till 11 or 12 in Georgetown. Therefore she is forced to walk up and down and up and down M Street for about two hours. Including a quick stop at Dean and Deluca. Cause Sundays are the perfect overpriced specialty grocery store days. MMmmmmm.)
Self: Sooo, this is M street. Again. Hasn’t changed much as you’ve walked up and down 45 times.
Heather B: shut it, or I’ll put you back in the car
Self: Ok. Freak. Hey, umm did you realize that you need new sneakers? Especially since you’ve been (GASP) running lately.
Heather B: oh shit, yeah.
Self: Also did you realize that with your very little salary and the large amount you spend at whole foods and target, that you really can’t afford a fuck me bag from Coach and new sneakers.
Heather B: (crying) I hate my life. (see random homeless person) I still hate my life. What kind of person has to choose between Coach and new running sneakers.
Self: Did you notice the homeless person? The one who has probably never stepped foot in coach and maybe you should shut up.
(Go to Dean and Deluca, cause nothing is open. Still sad, because no more coach bag)
Heather B: mmmm coffee
Self: there are no black people here. In fact we haven’t seen one in all of Georgetown. So this is what a lynch mob might look like, before the actual lynching. Interesting.
Heather B: anyway. Back to the loss of my pretty coach bag. Just sad and so fucking responsible. Maybe Peg, will give me the bag, because I am being responsible with my money.
Self: Probably not.
(Goes to purchase very new pretty pink sneakers. Returns to coach. Heather B. tears up a little when she leaves coach. Goes to Anthropologie and spends the equivalent of the GDP on a pretty fall coat and pretty sweater. Now, on Monday, Heather B. has realized that she doesn’t like the pretty sweater, so she must return it. Especially if she plans on eating at any point during the week. It is determined that in Heather B’s next life, she will be making six figures immediately after college, because that is what is needed to maintain the lifestyle she has become accustomed to. In no way is it natural to have to give up Coach.)
P.S. My new fuck me boots, look so freaking hot.
Labels: oh the stupidity you'll see