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Monday, October 24, 2005

Conversations with Myself

"You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today."-Abraham Lincoln

A Weekend alone and shopping in two parts:

Act 1:

(Scene: Heather B. is in Montgomery Mall on a Saturday night (I have no life) in hopes to get her poor pink ipod fixed and to get black pants and some great fall boots. After going into Nordstrom and first being COMPLETELY ignored then asking for a boot in size 11 and the salesman returns with a size 10 and asks if I want that. Ummm no. If I wanted a size 10, I would have said please bring me a size 10. Then I would have done a happy dance, because HOLY SHIT, I wear a size 10. After that disappointment, Heather B. heads on to the Apple store. She’s a little irate, as she has just learned that Nordstrom sucks sometimes, but they’re too hard to hate. In the Apple store, she learns that her pretty pink ipod, is beyond repair. It’s physical damage as opposed to whatever else, and to repair physical damage is $199. Man at the Apple store suggest just buying a new one. Heather B. get’s very pissed and says something to the affect of “what other brand of mp3 player do you suggest? Because this shit sucks.” Oh and on her way out, she gives the guy the finger. THE FINGER. (Heather B. this is immaturity. Immaturity meet Heather B.)

Self: I think you need to calm the fuck down and take yourself to Sephora. Hanae Mori and Stila does wonders
Heather B: I think you’re right. I also need my new fall boots.
Self: Look Nine West. Look, a sale.
Heather B: Look at these gorgeous black fuck me boots. I bet they don’t have them in an 11
Self: Don’t be a cynic.

(The boots were available in a size 11 and fit like a motherfucking glove)

Heather B: (singing) I have new fuck me boots. I have new fuck me boots. I have new fuck me boots.
Self: Ok, seriously, stop.
Heather B: Look Coach, I’ll just browse.
Heather B: I’ll just browse. It’ll be ok. Look! A fuck me bag. I want it. I have to have it. It’ll make up for my stupid ipod.
Self: I warned you…

(Heather B, has new fuck me boots and a new fuck me bag. WOOOO HOOO! Happy Birthday to me)

Act II

(Scene: Georgetown at 10:30 AM. Heather B. has just learned that shit doesn’t open till 11 or 12 in Georgetown. Therefore she is forced to walk up and down and up and down M Street for about two hours. Including a quick stop at Dean and Deluca. Cause Sundays are the perfect overpriced specialty grocery store days. MMmmmmm.)

Self: Sooo, this is M street. Again. Hasn’t changed much as you’ve walked up and down 45 times.
Heather B: shut it, or I’ll put you back in the car
Self: Ok. Freak. Hey, umm did you realize that you need new sneakers? Especially since you’ve been (GASP) running lately.
Heather B: oh shit, yeah.
Self: Also did you realize that with your very little salary and the large amount you spend at whole foods and target, that you really can’t afford a fuck me bag from Coach and new sneakers.
Heather B: (crying) I hate my life. (see random homeless person) I still hate my life. What kind of person has to choose between Coach and new running sneakers.
Self: Did you notice the homeless person? The one who has probably never stepped foot in coach and maybe you should shut up.

(Go to Dean and Deluca, cause nothing is open. Still sad, because no more coach bag)

Heather B: mmmm coffee
Self: there are no black people here. In fact we haven’t seen one in all of Georgetown. So this is what a lynch mob might look like, before the actual lynching. Interesting.
Heather B: anyway. Back to the loss of my pretty coach bag. Just sad and so fucking responsible. Maybe Peg, will give me the bag, because I am being responsible with my money.
Self: Probably not.

(Goes to purchase very new pretty pink sneakers. Returns to coach. Heather B. tears up a little when she leaves coach. Goes to Anthropologie and spends the equivalent of the GDP on a pretty fall coat and pretty sweater. Now, on Monday, Heather B. has realized that she doesn’t like the pretty sweater, so she must return it. Especially if she plans on eating at any point during the week. It is determined that in Heather B’s next life, she will be making six figures immediately after college, because that is what is needed to maintain the lifestyle she has become accustomed to. In no way is it natural to have to give up Coach.)

The End.

P.S. My new fuck me boots, look so freaking hot.



Blogger Namaste said...


11:56 AM  
Blogger Lizzie said...

fucking hilarious!

12:02 PM  
Blogger elisabeth said...

"hysterical" and "hilarious" were the adjectives that popped into my head as I clicked the "comments"-link, unfortunately they were both taken.

I can only say that I feel just the way as I did when I was watching Bridget Jones' diary (#1) on cabel again last night...


1:14 PM  
Blogger DC Cookie said...

Oh geez - same bug that caused me to purchase a $50 sweatshirt, $150 jeans and a $40 bottle of hair product this weekend.

Meh - it's just money...

2:01 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

glad that you all find humor in my very sad situation. No more coach. And my mother has said, that she will not be providing me with anything from Coach at any point in the near future. Blah.

And holy hell, someone from Norway comments on my blog. Do you know where Norway is??

DCC-it's a very bad bug. Also, I bought plenty of hair product this weekend as well. The curls are hard to maintain, so it's ok.

3:37 PM  
Blogger darlin nikki said...

ha, that was killer! last time i was in nordstrom i walked all around touching the beautiful $300 skirts and not getting one offer of 'can i help you?' grrrr. after watching one too many clean sweep episodes, i'm dumping most of what's in my closet and buying a lottery ticket.

12:46 AM  
Blogger Sub Girl said...

i loved that! i need boots like that. but how can one walk in them?? sucks about ipod!

and--i go to mont mall all the time! and people at nordstrom are really unhelpful.

8:03 AM  
Blogger nu. said...

how did your pretty pink iPod get to be that way?
i hope nothing like that happens to my pretty pink iPod...

11:05 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

I don't know how my ipod broke. I woke up one morning and unplugged it and suddenly it just didn't work and was stuck on my running play list. Which means that for the enitre way to work, I listened to The Game and 50 Cent.

My fuck me boots (I love saying that) are quite easy to walk in as they have a stacked heel. Nine West man.

11:11 AM  
Blogger wunelle said...

Hey, if you need the rest of the outfit to go with the fabulous fuck me boots, I have just the thing...

11:54 AM  
Blogger Sharkbait said...

That was great. I have definately been there.

My pink ipod acts up as well. Must be the PMS versions...sorry to hear about that-major bummer, especially when you use it to work out!

12:48 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Wunelle-so happy that you've finally made it over here.

And this ipod thing really sucks as I have just realized that I am no longer able to listen to The Cell Block Tango followed by The Scientist followed by Otto Titsling.

this is sad.

1:41 PM  
Blogger Dagny said...

Thank you for reminding me why I have been avoiding stores, at all costs, lately. I would probably having similar conversations with myself. But I wouldn't return the Coach bag. I'd call my dad and say I was a little short this month.

8:00 AM  

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