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Monday, November 21, 2005


It’s been hard to forget (or bleach from my mind) our cheerleading halftime show to Boot Scoot and Boogie and that I had to be in the front doing a fucking split at competition.

“Yeah, heel, toe, docie doe come on baby let's go boot scootinCadilac black jack, baby meet me outback we're gonna boogieOh get down, turn around go to town boot scootin' boogie”

I kid you not, I chose to heel toe docie doe my way through the fifth grade as a member of the Broncos Pop Warner football cheerleading squad. It blew. It blew like a 16 year old girl on prom night. Nothing says kill me now like being in a tiny skirt in November in upstate New York. The only plus were the football hotdogs and hot chocolate and the DC Pizza. Thankfully I had the right mind to quit cheerleading and go into soccer, but many of my friends remained on the job. For example the lovely Mo C who became captain of the varsity cheerleading squad and dated the captain of the football team. I was most proud when she was named Homecoming queen. All of this is shocking I know, but very true.

This isn’t about cheerleading though; well actually it is about a form of cheerleading. As stupid as it all sounds, everyone needs a little morale. Just a little something to keep them going when the shit hits the fan and the score is 36-0 and your quarterback has just been sacked. Everyone just needs someone to listen and cheer them on when the bad stuff happens, even if is your own fault. I hate being sappy more than anything on earth, but having a blog about this, the most shittiest year ever (even worse than the cheerleading year, because at least then I was 10 years old and wasn’t forced to use my own money for anything except for candy), has been quite the therapeutic little undertaking, and considerably cheaper I might add. I don’t know if all of this quarter life neurotic nonsense is normal or not. And I really don’t care, because each and every time I have an inane complaint, you all come up with a comment saying “Yup, been there done that, but it gets better” and if it doesn’t get better, then there’s always alcohol.

So when Random House comes at me with a book offer to write a novella about the most craptastic year ever; I’ll make sure that y’all get a “Holla” on the first page.


Blogger Sharkbait said...

Please, please do not write "For my mother" on the deidcation page, but "Holla to the Bloggas"!

I too tried the cheerleading thing-but found that I had more fun in the warm mascot outfit. Not necessarily by choice, but made the best of it. Man 6th grad stunk!!

Hope all is well. Drop me an email sometime - I'd love to chat offline!

10:51 AM  
Blogger Mappy B said...

lucky - you made it on the squad. i was too uncoordinated and tall. i was a swimmer instead. i'm glad the blog is helping you. i had spent the weekend thinking about killing mine off, then i received an email from an old friend who had found it, and was excited. cray-z. that'd be great to get a book deal. what i want to know is how'd you get such a cool job after college? you're lucky. lucky with some spirit fingers.

12:06 PM  
Blogger Lizzie said...

Amen to that. I think if I didn't have my blog (and by extension all of you) to rant to, I'd be in a straightjacket banging my head against a padded wall right about now. therapeutic indeed.

1:38 PM  
Blogger wunelle said...

Don't wish away the quarter life malaise too quickly, lest you run out of fun things to blog about.

I'll buy your book!

3:23 PM  
Blogger DC Cookie said...

My contribution? Double-fisting chocolate martinis. ;-)

3:32 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

sharkie: HOLLA! and I'll send you an email later

Mappy B: don't kill off your blog! don't you dare. I'd be sad.

Lizzie: blogging is good for the mind, even if some of my friends don't agree

Wunelle: I seriously think that if things all of a sudden got really awesome I'd be shit out of luck on the job front. And I'm glad you'd be willing to buy the book.

DCC: chocolate martinis it is! I plan on getting there early to get a head start.

3:38 PM  
Blogger Sub Girl said...

will it be called "My Most Craptastic Year Ever"? because that would be a real bestseller on the NYT list. I'd buy it!

4:31 PM  
Blogger LisaBinDaCity said...

Bloggers are the best when I'm feeling sad. They make me laugh and often make me feel better as well.

GOOO Heather B.!!!!

4:48 PM  
Blogger babyjewels said...

for me, it was 7th grade. My one and only cheerleading year. Or month, to be precise. I am not a good cheerleader. Unless it's to cheer you on to smoke and drink more and make out with the cute boy (this is my jr. high self talking, btw) Now I'd just encourage you to watch more reality TV (Heel, toe, docie doe, Laguna Beach was just so-so)

I'll stop. Please don't ban me from this site.

9:40 PM  
Blogger Erinn said...

lol...i can't believe you took it back to the broncos! I thought I was the only person who remembered that dumb ass routine. Even as a little girl that shit was hella humilating!

11:00 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

I was too fat to cheerlead, but I really think I got off light.

You're right about you posting and people commenting that they understand. I think everyone has been there and if they haven't its something to look forward to.

Its all part of the journey. The crappy stuff makes you appreciate the amazing stuff even more!


3:34 AM  
Blogger Neil said...

I just dusted off my old pom poms to do a little cheerleading for you to sell that book.

7:04 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

SG: good title. Catchy even, yup that's it "The Most Craptastic Year Ever". I see a pulitzer with my name on it.

LisaB: that's the nice thing about other bloggers they're always around.

Babyjewels: fucking hysterical. No I won't ban you.

EJ: yup, those were good times, right up there with Mrs.Uriarte's french class. Middle school, good times.

Beth: so true

Neil: aww thanks man.

10:29 AM  

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