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Friday, November 18, 2005

Hate

"Hatred is one long wait." ~René Maran

It was in March, when Garrett told me about Jon’s death. He had been in a car accident in Guilderland. Jon and I had grown up together. I became ever the tomboy when I was around him. Hats and bikes and watching ‘It’. It was Jon who had come up with calling Garrett ‘G’, which he has been called ever since. In seventh grade, Jon was the one who had come up with a God awful name to call me; a name that to this day, 11 years later, I cannot bear to say out loud. Everyone in school called me by this name and for a good year, all I could do was wish that something terrible would happen to him. Not enough to kill him but so that he would go away. I even wished death upon myself. So when he died, I was unable to feel as bad as Garrett did. Shocked? Yes, very. But I knew what I had left behind and he was apart of what I had left. I was ok now, successful for a 21 year old and traveling in Spain. I had gone to a good university and I have always been determined to leave home at home, so instead of crying and being upset that someone my age, whom I had been quite close with, had just died in a terrible accident, I went to see Real Madrid play.

I had never hated someone with such vehemence before. It’s said that it takes more energy to hate someone than to like them, but when someone makes you so miserable that you become physically ill, then there’s a problem. One of my flaws is the amount to which I allow someone to hurt me and make me miserable. It’s come to a point with one person, that I hate this person, to the point where once again, I often hope that s/he will never return, not dead necessarily, but maimed. When I realized how incredibly much I hated this person, I searched to find another person whom I had hated just as much. Jon. Speaking to my mother about it, I told her how much I had hated Jon. He made seventh grade feel like the longest year ever, but obviously I survived it and we both grew out of our 11 year old psyches.

Six months after graduation, I have come to the sad realization that this will be the longest year ever and that though there is someone that I hate, I’ll get through it.

4 Comments:

Blogger Lizzie said...

I think hate is a normal human emotion. It may not be the prettiest of them all, but it's normal nonetheless. And I wouldn't necessarily consider it a flaw that you allow people to hurt you. It just means that you have a heart and feelings and that you care. That's not a bad thing.

10:46 AM  
Blogger DC Cookie said...

I was just debating. I don't think I've ever hated anyone. Seriously. Even my douchebag ex-boyfriend who treated me like dogshit...I don't even hate him. Is there something wrong with me? Did my mother feed me sunshine as a child?

12:42 PM  
Blogger Sharkbait said...

Girlfriend I understand. It's not a nice feeling-this hate-but one cannot help it most times. It's hard to stomach-a good person with these negative feelings-it shouldn't be that way.

We're on the save level sweets. I get it.

vf word: ill no joke

4:56 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Lizzie: Misery loves company. Seriously though, I thought there was something wrong with me that I could dislike someone this much.

DCC: yup, lots of sunshine and some rainbows perhaps.

sharkie: love, love, love, that we're on the same level on so many things.

5:23 PM  

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