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Tuesday, December 06, 2005

A Note

Actually three notes:

I.

Dear College,

I miss you. We had so much fun together. Come back to me and we can rekindle our lost romance. And I promise that this time around, I'll go to class and not lie to my professors, oh, and not cry to get a better grade, oh and one more thing, I'll figure out how to properly do a production possibilities frontier without cheating.

Love,
Heather B.

II.

Dear Woman Outside of the Supreme Court with the "God hates America" sign,

I'm sure you felt really good about yourself after screaming "God hates fags" at me, while I was minding my own business on my walk to work this morning. I'm sure you felt really happy and like you had made a significant difference in this world. You should also feel really happy that I didn't turn around and kick you and/or punch you in the face. Because a) you ruined my commute and b) God "hating" fags is news to me. And while we're at it, you should be lucky I didn't call you a stupid cunt, while walking past you, but only because I'm sure God hates potty mouths.
Next time, take that stick out your ass and do something with that frizzy shit you call hair on the top of your head. And aviators are so last season and tie dye hasn't been in since 1965.

Love,
Heather B.

III.

Dear Chubby girl with the new copper tones in her hair who didn't run this morning, because "oh. my. god. snow" eventhough you're from upstate NY,

Umm blueberry muffins and diet coke does not make a lunch and don't go thinking that the diet coke will negate the calories from the blueberry muffin. It doesn't.
Also, please don't let your flamingly liberal ideas on education get to your head subsequently putting thoughts of completely changing your life into your head. Just don't. Oh and stop thinking about spending more time and money at Lush
don't color your hair
don't get another tattoo
and do something about your cuticles.
Other than that I love you and you're perfect.

Love,
Heather B.

12 Comments:

Blogger LisaBinDaCity said...

Note to self: Do not EVER get on Heather B.'s bad side ;-)

And congrats on taking the high road and not telling that woman to go f*ck herself. Cause she deserved it. BIG TIME.

11:57 AM  
Blogger Sub Girl said...

Grrr, I would've wanted to shout, "God hates YOU, bitch!"

ahh college. i've been missing it when I have to wake up at 6:30 AM in the morning.

12:50 PM  
Blogger Rhinestone Cowgirl said...

Pfft - I woulda thrown my coffee in her face. Goddamned moron.

1:15 PM  
Blogger Lizzie said...

you have more restraint than I. I think I would have had to yell something back along the lines of "God hates ugly crazy bitches ranting in the street too!"

1:22 PM  
Blogger Mappy B said...

yikes, sorry to say, but that aviator sunglasses are making a comeback. check out this article, and scroll down to the olsen twins: http://www.gawker.com/news/diary/gawker-stalker-could-these-be-our-last-marykate-sightings-023722.php

perhaps she just held on to her fashion long enough until it comes back into style. that's my secret plan too. perhaps i'll track her down b/c i'm afraid that if she said that to me, i would crack. and i feel like cracking today. she makes a good target!

2:18 PM  
Blogger green_canary said...

I once saw a guy on a Harley wearing one a beanie helmet papered with a bumper sticker that said: Jesus loves you but I think you're an a**hole.

Classic :-)

2:51 PM  
Blogger Erinn said...

You crack me up EVERY single morning!

P.S. sooooo where are those hot twins now??

3:06 PM  
Blogger MKD said...

Wow, I like the inner bitch you have going on. It’s kinda hot.

PS When you go back to school you do change but you can still cheat. That’s what the Internet is for.

3:52 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

LisaB: though I would advise against getting on my bad side, just keep from screaming very un-PC things at me, while I'm trying to not fall on my ass.

SG: I woke up at 6:30AM in college (gym time) but then there was so much down time later and the classes and the people and the jamba juice and the...etc.

RC: If I had coffee, I would've done so, well maybe not, that's precious caffeine there.

Lizzie: ooh that would've been a good one

MappyB: I would never follow MK Olsen's fashion trends. she's been dressing like crap lately. It's sad.

GC: I've seen that bumper sticker before. definately classic.

Erinn: they're in Ohio. their parents used to send my mother a card with all of their accomplishments every christmas. I still can't believe you kissed them. funny.

MKD: aww thanks. Hotness is what I aspire to be, one bitchy comment at a time.

4:11 PM  
Blogger Namaste said...

All of the way around, I want to be as cool as you when I grow up.

;)

Cheers!

5:07 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Namaste: instead of replying with some backhanded comment about how uncool I am, I'll say thank you. That's very flattering.

5:49 PM  
Blogger wunelle said...

Are you SURE about the whole Diet Coke / muffin calories thing? 'Cause I'm pretty sure DC DOES negate a lot of positive calories. At least, that's what I'm counting on; it's the core of my base modus operandi.

And yes, that woman was wrong. I talked to God just this morning and he said that fags are fine with him, he loves them just the same. But he said he's on the fence about control freak nutcase stupid cunts.

Glad I could clear that up for you. (And I'm impressed with your restraint.)

8:10 PM  

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