Booze and Schmooze*
Living in Washington, I’ve mastered the art of schmoozing. I’ve taught myself to successfully hold a plate and glass of wine in my right hand while shaking with my left. At a Friends of Hilary event a few months ago, Peg was very impressed with my people skills as I worked the room (and by ‘worked the room’ I mean, I told my Congressman that I liked his new haircut) but noticed that I had knocked back about 3 or 4 glasses of Merlot. Damn it, she’s on to me. I had to let her in on my little secret. Ready? Yup I sure as hell come off confident and outgoing, but only after consumption of two glasses of wine. Prior to that, you’re lucky if you can get me to form a coherent sentence or actually (horror of horrors) look you in the face. I am so incredibly socially awkward that the thought of having to meet someone new and possibly be sober, leads to a sleepless night (with bonus teeth grinding) the night before the meeting. Surprisingly enough I have managed to get more than one job, but I doubt it’s because I’m just so well spoken and articulate. I like to call it luck and the law of averages, but whatever. I have a sneaking suspicion that all of the above might be why I don’t date, but let me think on that a bit.
I have to meet someone new tonight, and in the hope that she would cancel, since she’s equally as misanthropic as I, I didn’t exactly dress in my Sunday best, though I can get over that. And thankfully, she also knows the importance of alcohol and has a love affair with wine (and crap beer) as well. My kind of girl. Thinking on it now, college in DC and now living and working here has me believing that for the most part, this place is not the real world (no shit). It’s a bunch of uptight people who have all mastered drinking and talking at the same time (not as easy as it sounds) and therefore have managed to impress the best of the best. I kid you not, that if I weren’t drunk about 75% of the time, I wouldn’t know anyone.
Yup, I’m sad and pathetic but you can admit that I’m pretty open and honest, and that must count for something.
*Oh and before anyone goes and starts calling me an alcoholic, just know that I only drink when out with others, it's not like I sit at my apartment alone yelling at Benson and Stabler to get the fucking rapist. I like to be coherent during my Law and Order marathons, as to try and guess the killer before Vincent "I might break my neck if I keep cocking my head like that" D'Onofrio does. So there.