Love and Happiness
Not that it’s ever happened, but I am afraid of not getting something that I really want. This leads to me spending days or weeks, acting like a freak with a shit eating grin on my face, attempting to hide my excitement over some news. I’m afraid that if I share the news, then it won’t happen. Something will inevitably go wrong. Thus that has been my stance on marriage and children. As a child, I proudly proclaimed that I wanted to have children and get married and my future daughters (it was always a girl) had names as well. Then at some point I stopped speaking of it and when the subject came up, I was quick to say that I neither wanted to get married or have children. I always used my parents divorce as an excuse and not being married automatically meant no children.
The thing is, that despite my proclamations on the former, I have planned out when and where I would have my wedding and my children have names and I know how I would like them to come into this world or rather into my life. I’d rather be safe than sorry, you know, if it ever happens. Or as I have put it, ‘If I accidentally get pregnant, I want to be prepared’. I know where my children will go to school if I live in DC and if we end up in Northern Virginia or Maryland, then there are schools picked out there as well. Sometimes I truly believe and prepare myself for having a child alone. And to be honest, I’d be totally on board with the whole thing.
Then something, I’m not sure what, but something hits me and suddenly I think that I really don’t want to be alone. I don’t want it to be an ‘if’ I want it to be a ‘when’. As in, when I get married, xyz will happen. The fact that I don’t date doesn’t hamper my occasional, now nagging thoughts, it just makes me think about it more. This in turn makes me feel like an uber- girly girl who spends days planning her wedding and the house with the white picket fence, just because she wants to get married. I don’t want to get married for the sake of getting married. I’ve been asked why I wouldn’t want to get married. I’ve done a lot with my life, so why not share it with someone else. I want to get married because it’s true, I want someone to share my life with. I want someone who will enjoy me being me and is interested, if not whole heartedly, but open to things that I enjoy doing. And I want for him to introduce me to new things as well. But to reiterate I just want someone to share things with and that makes me happy.
There, I’ve said it. I’ve admitted to myself that I want to get married and have children. And now I will go off in fear that it won’t happen. But then again I am 22 and this all could be part of my quarter life crisis. Why can’t it be like a mid life crisis for males? A new car and a mistress? Why do I contemplate men and babies instead of the color of my corvette? Why do I overanalyze and make things so hard? Why am I so afraid to say things out loud?