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Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Love and Happiness

"The trouble with most people is that they think with their hopes or fears or wishes rather than with their minds." ~Will Durant

Not that it’s ever happened, but I am afraid of not getting something that I really want. This leads to me spending days or weeks, acting like a freak with a shit eating grin on my face, attempting to hide my excitement over some news. I’m afraid that if I share the news, then it won’t happen. Something will inevitably go wrong. Thus that has been my stance on marriage and children. As a child, I proudly proclaimed that I wanted to have children and get married and my future daughters (it was always a girl) had names as well. Then at some point I stopped speaking of it and when the subject came up, I was quick to say that I neither wanted to get married or have children. I always used my parents divorce as an excuse and not being married automatically meant no children.

The thing is, that despite my proclamations on the former, I have planned out when and where I would have my wedding and my children have names and I know how I would like them to come into this world or rather into my life. I’d rather be safe than sorry, you know, if it ever happens. Or as I have put it, ‘If I accidentally get pregnant, I want to be prepared’. I know where my children will go to school if I live in DC and if we end up in Northern Virginia or Maryland, then there are schools picked out there as well. Sometimes I truly believe and prepare myself for having a child alone. And to be honest, I’d be totally on board with the whole thing.

Then something, I’m not sure what, but something hits me and suddenly I think that I really don’t want to be alone. I don’t want it to be an ‘if’ I want it to be a ‘when’. As in, when I get married, xyz will happen. The fact that I don’t date doesn’t hamper my occasional, now nagging thoughts, it just makes me think about it more. This in turn makes me feel like an uber- girly girl who spends days planning her wedding and the house with the white picket fence, just because she wants to get married. I don’t want to get married for the sake of getting married. I’ve been asked why I wouldn’t want to get married. I’ve done a lot with my life, so why not share it with someone else. I want to get married because it’s true, I want someone to share my life with. I want someone who will enjoy me being me and is interested, if not whole heartedly, but open to things that I enjoy doing. And I want for him to introduce me to new things as well. But to reiterate I just want someone to share things with and that makes me happy.

There, I’ve said it. I’ve admitted to myself that I want to get married and have children. And now I will go off in fear that it won’t happen. But then again I am 22 and this all could be part of my quarter life crisis. Why can’t it be like a mid life crisis for males? A new car and a mistress? Why do I contemplate men and babies instead of the color of my corvette? Why do I overanalyze and make things so hard? Why am I so afraid to say things out loud?


Blogger MKD said...

You're 22. You can't have a quarter life crisis yet. Stop it.

BTW, love the changes.

8:04 PM  
Blogger Rhinestone Cowgirl said...

I had a crisis about babies at your age too. I got over it, thank God. ;) It just takes time.

Love the changes too - the header is AWESOME!

10:55 PM  
Blogger Sue Ellen Mischke said...

I have panic attacks all the time about something similar. I once was married albeit briefly. Even then I wasn't sure I wanted kids. And I panic about that all the time- the lack of a desire to have kids. I mean, I'm 28, I should hear some kind of ticking right? I've heard that there is this clock thing somewhere in my body that is supposed to ring in my ears and make my loins ache for children. But I don't hear a clock and the aching in my loins has more to do with PMS than kids. It's good that you are havin these feelings now. You're so young so don't let it bother you yet. And it doesn't make you an annoying girly-girl; it just makes you human.

11:55 PM  
Blogger Lizzie said...

Don't tell anyone but I want marriage and kids too - not anytime soon, but eventually. Wanting that is better than wanting a corvette and a mistress. It's nothing to feel bad about. I understand the trepidation of saying things out loud, but I just know you're going to get the things you want.

1:25 AM  
Blogger Sharkbait said...

I too want marriage and kids...and definately think my quarter life crisis started when I turned 23 and will hopefully end when I am 24. We will see.

You do all those things because it's normal and you're a girl. And RC is right, I think it takes time.

Don't stress about it, you are on the right path and you know it.

9:28 AM  
Blogger LisaBinDaCity said...

Heather, great minds. Check out my post today...

9:35 AM  
Blogger A Unique Alias said...

DAMN!!!! Holy crap, your blog looks great!

10:07 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Now that I think about it, I'll get over this whole marriage babies crisis thing by the end of today.

And why do I feel like I could write a post with the title: I eat boogers and everyone would so not care but instead be like "oooh nice new blog"...? Thank you all for the compliments!

10:51 AM  
Blogger Bone said...

Well, I'm not sure what to say. I'm 32 and not married. Of course, I can likely have children well into my 60's. (And from the looks of things, I'll be testing that out.)

I was thinking of doing an entire entry on people picking their noses in their cars. Seriously. So funny you should mention boogers. Maybe it's a sign.

11:06 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Being female, the eggs start to go after 35 or something, and though I really want to adopt, I'd like to have the option. But then again I'm 22 and who cares when you're 22??

Boogers, yup, the next post will be about boogers.

11:14 AM  
Blogger AJH said...

I have the same marriage/babies crisis about once a year. It passes. A corvette would definately be easier to deal with. It's much less complicated

11:16 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Thank you AJH! Corvettes are much less maintenence and probably won't put you hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt.

They also won't steal your coach bags, make up, burberry shirts, bras, credit card...need I go on?

(of course I've never done any of that. ever.)

11:26 AM  
Anonymous Angela said...

Just found you through Amalah's site, and girl I feel as though you're speaking from inside my head. And isn't it bizarre how you can convince yourself that by talking about something you will immediately jinx any possibility of it ever coming true?? And equally bizarre is how you can be totally freaking out about something like marriage and babies one day, and then freaking out at the thought of BEING married and HAVING babies the next?

Anyway, I could write a dissertation on this, but I'll leave it at that and just let you know you aren't alone in this.

1:30 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

I don't think you're the only one who feels conflicted about saying what you want. These days it seems like women are damned if they do, and damned if they don't. Sometimes it seems easier and safer not to take a position...

7:18 PM  

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