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Monday, January 23, 2006

A Moment of Clarity

"Anxiety and distress, interrupted occasionally by pleasure, is the normal course of man's existence." ~Joseph Wood Krutch

When I first realized I was depressed, it was after I had disappeared for a weekend and had started putting cigarettes out on my arm on a regular basis. I was also crying and moody and threatening to jump off metro platforms. Then there was this sudden epiphany, like hey dumbass, this is bad. I subsequently began seeing a therapist for the low low price of $120 per session, twice a week. Several hundred thousand dollars later, I was ok enough to go only once a week and to leave the country without flipping my shit. Of course I still flip my shit on occasion and will cry for no reason, except because I’m just sad. The worst is that in college I could be incapacitated due to depression and take a few days off from class. In the lovely real world of which I am now residing, I can’t take a day off of work because I’m really fucking sad. Instead I have to go in, because I have to have money. And instead of being ‘haha everything is funny’ Heather, I tend to become moody, ‘oh my god, I might cry because of the dumbest shit ever’ Heather. When I get depressed, every little thing will bother me to no end, to the point where the apocalypse might be coming if I lose a sock.

I waver between not caring about anything and keeping to myself and then being completely normal. It’s like a constant battle between me thinking that the world will end with every little problem and it being ok, that I overspent at Aveda, because that’s what parents and/or a savings account is for. And this is how it’s been for the past few weeks. I’ve been really fucking bored and full of malaise about everything in my life and I take pity on anyone who came within 10 feet of me; I was a bitch on wheels. Then suddenly, everything was ok. As in I didn’t cry when I hated my outfit on Friday night or when I was running late. I was able to enjoy dinner with my favorite people, during which we reminisced about college, which feels like forever ago. Saturday, I could’ve cared less when I looked like shit, but I made that trek out to VA and enjoyed Sex and the City and a few red stripes and stella’s.

I think what’s most important is that things are rarely the ‘be all end all’ in life and that there will always be times when things fucking suck. But I’ve finally learned how to say “Heather stop being a piss ass bitch and calm the fuck down”. It also helps to be girly and have a little SATC in my life, as ridiculous as I think it all is; and there is always alcohol and the friends that brag about you to their roommate’s parents and a few rounds of yoga. Suddenly everything is copasetic and I can check my bank balance without becoming ill and write like I fucking mean it; so for now, it’s all good.


Blogger Sharkbait said...

Good. This is good. And way more fun than depressed. I've been there too. Seems we should ask who hasn't been there? It's nice when you regain control, but the scariest part is when you're left wondering when you're going to lose it again. Welcome to my world.

And did I read that right YOU went to VA??? Write this down!


10:31 AM  
Anonymous MappyB said...

haha, VA. that deserves a post in itself. i'm tacky living in arlington, which is so close, but it's still across the river.

i'm glad you're feeling better. depression is no fun. i was on some great pills for them, which was awful to get off of. every so often i have a relapse, and like you said, it sucks that you can't take off work because you're sad. my current lowpoint: moving to our new place, and putting the stuff in the fridge, and the grapes spilled everywhere. i sat down on the floor in front of the open fridge, and lost it. my man walked in like, 'what the f just happened'. haha. i can laugh about it now. but for some reason, it's still the little stuff tha tmakes me completely lose it! gotta love SATC, yoga, and friends. you can't live without them.

11:11 AM  
Blogger Lizzie said...

I'm glad you're feeling better. I'm also glad to know I'm not the only one who resorts to alcohol and SATC to cope with depression.

12:11 PM  
Blogger wunelle said...

Good that the sun is shining again.

Not to pass off depression as a gender thing (because it's a serious issue, I know, and it affects both sexes), still I think that girls are just more complicated than boys are. Boys: a diet of breasts and beer and football and the occasional gadget and all is well (which explains why I'm often upbraided for being half a man; I don't like football!).

Girls' interface with the world is much more complicated. I think what you write about here could easily have come from my wife's pen.

I guess that each storm weathered gives us confidence that we'll weather the next one too. And we can revel in the sun when it shines.


3:25 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Of course now that I've said all of that, I have a headache and I'm dealing with retarted people who can't make up their f-ing mind. So I'm going to sit here and roll my eyes at stupidity and then move on.

4:34 PM  
Anonymous kg said...

I just have to say that your post is really well put and totally rings true - life goes up and down. So happy I found your blog via Amalah...I'm a DC'er from Albany too! Best wishes.

4:58 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

kg: thanks!

5:56 PM  
Blogger Tanisha said...

I feel you girl. Don't fret you are in good company.. I go through bouts of depression bi monthly. It sucks. You cry and don't know why. But you know life is bad when your therapist cry over your life story.. Yowser.. So hang in there.. We are here for you. Because you da shite!!

4:24 PM  

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