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Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Thankfully my eyes are already brown

"It is a most mortifying reflection for a man to consider what he has done, compared to what he might have done. " ~Samuel Johnson, in Boswell's Life of Johnson, 1770

Save for the time I hit Lauren Narkeweiz on the head with a rolled up poster, I have never once hit anyone not related to me. I used to punch G* and try to brutally maim him on a regular basis, but then one day I called home and some man answered. A man, with very manly voice who sounded like he could kick my ass. G hit puberty and gone were the days when I could shove him to the ground and jump on his back. I swear that only happened once. Now that he’s well over six feet and 250 lbs, I tend to run like a little bitch when he comes after me. It’s sad really. I’ve never gotten into a fight. Like a real, drop down, I’m going to beat the shit out of you if you fuck with me again, fight. I use the term “I’m going to drop kick your ass” very liberally. Truth is, that’s quite doubtful. Though I look like I could kill you, I’m more likely to use profanity, scream and cry. I’m a pussy ass little bitch, who talks a lot of shit. There, I said it. I think what gives people that misconception is that I’m tall (for a girl), the complete opposite of small and well I’m black. And we all know that black women are really fucking scary (Peg pissed, not pleasant). Over the years though, while I’m been saying that I’m going to “fuck that motherfucker up”, G and the rest of my brothers have been getting into knock-down-drag-out–dad- is- going- to- have –to- post bail, kind of fights.

I can’t help it, I’m just really exceptional at telling bold faced lies about what I’m going to do and then when the time comes, I never do it. I’m chicken shit and I don’t take risks. I like to know that something will definitely happen. Don’t leave shit up to chance, I say, as I wear my raincoat and carry a golf umbrella, just incase the rain coat doesn’t live up to it’s uber-North Face standards. I make promises, and can never keep them (dude! Law and Order was on); I make resolutions and by January 5th they’re long forgotten (dude! Five Guys is so tasty). That’s just the way it is and after 22 years, I’ve come to accept that I am full of a whole lotta shit. Ok fine, I was ok with it. WAS. Now all the shit I’ve been so gung-ho about doing (let’s run down the list right quick: Peace Corps, Teach for America, Grad School…that’s just the beginning), feels like it might come back to bite me in the ass. It’s that decision to not spread my knowledge to all of the underprivileged kids in South Bronx. Payback I tell ya. I’ve been told that I’ve done a lot, like mastering the art of getting two separate calls to conference, without hanging up on some Senator. Yup, that’s a whole lot right there. I feel so fulfilled, I can die happy now, knowing that I can use a fax machine properly. Go me.

I feel like if I don’t do what I really would like to do; something that makes me so fucking warm and fuzzy inside that I’ll start thinking puppies and babies are cute again; then I might never do it. And I don’t want that. I can’t play the ‘I wish I would/could’ game any longer. But like I said, I’m really good at changing my mind and at being 22 and fickle; but never prone to ‘just do it’ tactics. That’s what I need more of, I mean when else in my life will I be able to pick up everything and do something exciting or that I’ve always wanted to do. I suppose part of it is fear of failing horribly and not getting what I really want. I may very well just never be good enough or extraordinary and that scares the shit out of me.

But like I said, I’m fickle. I might very well wake up tomorrow and say, “gee that was a great idea, but I’m perfectly content where I am.” Yeah, then again hell might freeze over tomorrow and I’ll win $2 million dollars and Simon and Schuster will call. You never know.

*the boy's name really is G, like my parents obviously couldn't think of anything better, so they picked a random letter out of the alphabet. I think they may have asked my opinion, and I said X, but I'm over it. (He may be bigger, but I'll always have this lovely sense of humor and wit. God, I'm so witty**)

**did you just roll your eyes at that too?

12 Comments:

Blogger Neil said...

Can you take a fax machine apart and put it back together again? That would be impressive.

7:11 PM  
Blogger darlin nikki said...

i still remember the one fight i was in, really the recipient of, when a gal punched me in the stomach on the basketball court. pretty much i gave her the wtf?! eyes, the bell rang, and i lived to shoot hoops another day. we've still got time to figure out those what if's.

12:14 AM  
Blogger The Confessor said...

LOL, i lie alot nowadays. oh well. live and learn.

7:06 AM  
Blogger LisaBinDaCity said...

OK, big sis time again, (crap I feel OLD!) but you are not SUPPOSED to have all the answers at 22. Now is the time to start figuring things out you know?

And by the way, I used to lie REALLY well too hehe.

8:51 AM  
Blogger Erinn said...

hehehe...i can't believe you didnt beat someone's ass during all those years you spent at GHS with blondes that are just a little too peppy! On a serious note, as I get ready to graduate I do fear that I'll end up doing something that leaves me feeling unfufilled. Its a scary thought. Pay your bills or do something good for the community..hmmmmmm

9:33 AM  
Blogger Pink Lemonade Diva said...

ha ha - i bet you are so fun to be friends with. I love your candid writing here.

11:54 AM  
Blogger Namaste said...

First, about fighting: The best offense is a good defense. You got that, girl. Coming from someone who beat the shit out of a 14 year old for sexually attacking her, I can only say that sometimes you def. gotta know when to fight back. Ha.

And two: Life isn't about what you say you wanna do, it's about what you do. You can't take any of it with you. It only matters that what you leave behind is somewhat better than you found it. :)

Love,
Namaste

12:44 PM  
Blogger green_canary said...

Everyone gets their comeuppance... My big brother used to "drop kick my ass" until one day he hogtied me with the belt from my culottes* and couldn't get me undone. When I screamed for help and my mother found me, my brother got grounded for so long that I don't believe I saw him for four whole years.

And P.S.? No one's got it figured out at 22. Hell... Does anyone EVER figure it out? Goodness knows I haven't, and that's what makes me loveable :-)

*It was the 80s and I was a little kid. Culottes were cool.

2:48 PM  
Blogger Noisette said...

I second LisaB- you need to cut yourself a little slack. You are doing very well, working in Washington on issues you care about, and you're only what, 6mo out of college? That said, I should practice what I preach- I'm constantly getting down on myself for settling, not following my dreams, etc- although those dreams morph on a daily basis and I have to remind myself that I have a plan, etc.
Wow, this comment makes no sense. Sorry. I'm going to post it anyway though- ha!

3:38 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Ok, I seriously just wrote a really long comment and my own fucking blog deleted my comment. Bad blog!

Anywho...

It went something like, I'm whiny and I like to pontificate about the hardship that is my life and why I'm not doing anything that I want. And then I post it, and the next day I'm thinking who the fuck am I kidding, I'm 22! I have years to do whatever the hell I'd like. And then things magically change and everything is fine. That said, thanks for not calling me a complete moron and telling me to shut the fuck up.

Umm and that's all because I actually have work to do..WTF?!?

5:47 PM  
Blogger MKD said...

I know I'm scared.

Sorta.

6:39 PM  
Blogger wunelle said...

I'm still not convinced you couldn't really kick my ass if you set out to do it. I don't lie about my toughness since it would seem like Richard Simmons trying to be threatening.

And I agree with LisaB (and the next 50 commenters): you're already asking much better questions at 22 than I was at 22 (or, hell, than I am at 43). So go easy on yourself and enjoy the ride. Life is good.

4:08 PM  

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