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Thursday, February 16, 2006

Arch Nemesis

An open letter to my former friend turned arch nemesis...

I have no recollection of our first meeting. I remember the walks that my grandfather and I would take to see you, but other than that, those first few years remain a mystery. What I do know is that since then, my attraction to you has been more than troublesome. And sadly for you, something that cannot and will not continue.

I will admit, that at first I found our relationship to be quite normal. Our visits were about two to three times a week. Knowing what I know now, I can’t believe I have survived this volatile and unhealthy relationship. As the years went by and I saw what you did to others, I wondered to myself why I hadn’t been warned of your apparent adverse effects. It’s quite scary really and I was wooed by you. I craved you. Hell, I still do sometimes. But on Friday when, in a hurry, I stopped by for a visit, I ended the evening feeling cumbersome and crappy. It was then that I realized that I need to have will power. I need to stand up to you and say no more! You don’t even offer anything for me, I’m only limited to enjoying just one aspect of all that you claim to offer. Why I kept going back is beyond me, but now I know that there will be no more of that.

Our relationship has been going on for almost 20 years. And though at times you have been there for me when I needed you, I’m afraid that this is now over. Though every time I see you-because, let’s face it, you’re everywhere-I will think of our past and will think of my Grandfather and our Saturday evening walks.

I’m sure we will meet again but for now, it is good bye old friend. Mostly because you are no longer my friend and haven’t been for awhile and I've been too naive to notice, but instead an enemy, but I promise, I will miss you and often hunger after you.

With Fondness,

Heather B.



Blogger Sharkbait said...

God I fricken love you. Seriously you crack me up.

Looking forward to seeing you next week!!!

10:41 AM  
Blogger A Unique Alias said...

I know that times have been bad, HB, but what about all the good times? Those times you only had a few winkled dollars bills and the big M was there for you?

What about then?? That feeling of fullness - - contentment - - that could only be achieved by licking the sweet, sweet salty grease from those pristine golden arches?!

11:30 AM  
Blogger LisaBinDaCity said...

I adore McDonald's but I rarely go there anymore.

Great minds think alike indeed ;-)

11:50 AM  
Blogger Pink Lemonade Diva said...

those strawberry milkshakes are the best. I think the workers pretend the machine is broken sometimes so they don't have to make one for me.

12:06 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Sharkie!: Gracias and ditto.

AUA: I know, that's the hard part. I'll be missing those delicious fries. And the next time I'm upset about something, I won't have the Big M to go to, but that's just the price I'm going to have to pay.

LisaB: We're both brilliant. That is all.

PLD: I thought I was the only one. Every freaking time I want one, it's 'broken'. The fuck?? The other day the diet coke machine thingy was broken. I almost cried.

12:11 PM  
Blogger Heather B said...

So I heard that someone left a mcdonald's bag filled with DOODIE on a subway car in boston.

12:34 PM  
Anonymous MappyB said...

That was so funny! I loved it. It's so true too, you crave it, then you feel all gross and lazy after eating it and swear you'll never do it again, but you go right back! :) Great!

12:36 PM  
Anonymous kristin said...

Ha! "Arch" nemesis! Seriously, if you want help in avoiding McD's watch "Super Size Me". I saw it and didn't have a craving for a Big & Tasty for at least 6 months. Now I think I'll watch it again to avoid running over there for lunch. Good luck!

12:45 PM  
Blogger wunelle said...

OK, I'm dim. It wasn't til I got to the comments I even understood WTF was going on.

But it's cute even if I'm a water-head.

"Just say no" to the food. But the Diet Coke will always be there for you! ;-)

2:44 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Heather: umm ewww

MappyB: this time I mean it though. I'm never going back.

Kristin: I've never seen it, but really want to. But know that if I do, I'll never go back, but I suppose that's a good thing.

Wunelle: I apologize that the golden arches at the bottom of the post didn't give it away. Next time, I'll try harder.

4:16 PM  
Blogger Kris said...

The puns! Oh, the puns! I love me an Egg McMuffin with a Super Sized Wine.

5:16 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

It's pun-derful.

It also needs some serious editing. From now on, people, tell me that this shit looks fucked up.

5:24 PM  
Blogger Nicole said...

I'm still a sucker for the dollar menu, and damnit, the p.l.diva just inserted thoughts of milkshakes in my head, and...oh screw it, I'll admit it I'm a fast food addict.

5:25 PM  
Blogger Audra said...

Want me to share some really awful stories from when I worked there? Especially about the shakes??? Oh and the shake machine is really broken that much those fuckers freeze up so easy.

7:15 PM  
Blogger mysterygirl! said...

That was wonderful. I was feeling sad for you for awhile there until I got to the picture. I've been punk'd!

7:21 PM  
Blogger Sue Ellen Mischke said...

i get it now. i'm a doofis. I didn't get it.

by the way, good choice on the necklace on the previous post.

8:22 PM  
Anonymous Angela said...

Um. I want a Quarter Pounder with Cheese now.

11:56 AM  
Blogger Pink Lemonade Diva said...

I think you'll like this, heather

Press play if it doesn't start automatically.

1:50 PM  
Blogger Isabel said...

Never going back?? You are way stronger than I am.

11:01 AM  
Blogger Hyperion said...

I feel like 9 kinds of idiot, but I totally didn't see that one coming. Despite my chagrin I loved being fooled. What a fantastic story!

9:51 AM  
Anonymous Kevin said...

I'm with Hyperion on that one... did not see that coming. In fact, I thought I was beginning a wholly separate post about McDonald's. Nicely done. Wonderfully mundane.

1:02 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Hyperion & Kevin: Thanks for the compliments!

1:18 PM  
Blogger Claire said...

You had me too. That rainbow hitting the sign is perfect.

2:37 PM  

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