A list of grievances over the past 24 hours, which may include mention of ass cracks, flat tires, and BMWs.
“St. Patrick's Day is an enchanted time - a day to begin transforming winter's dreams into summer's magic.” ~Attributed to Adrienne Cook
I knew it would be a long evening when some man with pants well below his ass, parked on top of my car, bent down to pet a dog and I was given a nice view of his rear end. He then looked at me like I was crazy when I told him that a) he wasn’t even allowed to park there (it’s a private lot) and b) when I told him that he needed to move so that I could get on. But that’s only minor. What really irked me were the dipshits that work at Best Buy in Tenleytown, who made it quite apparent that they took English as a second language. Thus marring my exciting trip to purchase Adventures in Babysitting and Dazed and Confused for the low low price of $2.69.
With the pasty hairy ass crack still in vivid memory, I decided to call MFP to ask about her date the night before. A nice but dicey move. I’m totally that girl. The girl that has no problem hanging up on a friend after the 10th mention of her new fuck buddy’s BMW, million dollar Alexandria home, or ‘Equinox was soooo goooood.’ I will hang up on you and not bat an eye and then maybe I’ll write about you and will refrain from ever asking about your new beau again. Though I should be happy for her as MFP – actually most of my friends – haven’t been dating any real winners. So woo hoo, he drives a BMW and he’s your boss, good luck with that.
(I don’t recall ever stating that I am not a heinous bitch. Consider yourselves informed.)
After that, I had a hard time doing the things that would normally cheer me up, like say grocery shopping and drinking red wine and guacamole.
What I thought was a pristine parking job last evening, came to bite me in the ass this morning, when while rushing to a dentist appointment, I had a flat tire.
(I really wish I hadn’t quit smoking)
My dentist appointment was the usual. Complete with digging for gold in my gums thus causing some slight bleeding. At least that was how the hygienist put it, but it was pretty apparent that my mouth was hemorrhaging and I had easily lost a pint of blood via my gums. But other than that the teeth are in tip top shape though I’m afraid to eat anything that isn’t pureed due to severe gum pain.
(I need to floss better. And I need alcohol. Lots of alcohol.)
The previous time that I had acquired a flat, my tire was blown on Massachusetts Avenue, thus causing passersby to stare at me because of the horrible grinding noise my rims were making. Because obviously I need you to stop and stare, because I didn’t realize that my tire was missing. Asshats. But this time, there was no blow out, just a quick fix that cost me $12.69 and my dignity.
Which brings us to now. Exciting life I lead huh? I just realized that over the past three days I’ve actually been working about 10 hours. Today I will leave early for personal reasons, which include drinking beer and praying to St. Patrick that Georgetown wins.
Now go forth and enjoy the Guinness.