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Thursday, March 02, 2006

Depression

“A few miles south of Soledad, the Salinas River drops in close to the hillside bank and runs deep and green. The water is warm too, for it has slipped twinkling over the yellow sands in the sunlight before reaching the narrow pool”-John Steinbeck

There should be tumbleweeds and Hoovervilles. There may even be rationing of canned baked beans. Our heroine will be forced to chase after trains down the railroad tracks, while some nice soul tosses food out for heroine – who for practical purposes, shall be called Heather - and her seven children. John Steinbeck will even write a New York Times bestseller about it (well of course after returning from the dead). A book about an irresponsible young woman who has fallen on hard times, resorting to calling her padre, to help get her out of her current predicament in addition to babysitting (I’ll bet she even gets pooped on once in awhile). How it ends, would be anyone’s guess. But I’m sure that after 40 days of giving up spending frivolously, the heroine of Steinbeck’s novel would learn to budget and save properly. And of course the important lesson that grocery shopping need not be done on a twice weekly basis nor be done at Whole Foods. Also the very good lesson to check one’s online banking statement daily, because that’s what it’s there for. If you haven’t noticed yet, this Steinbeck novel will be a bit more modern. At no point in this story will the heroine-though impossibly slow and dim witted-be killed by a friend nor will she be packing up all of her shit and heading to California. Because with inflation, it now seems to cost a lot more; but, she might have to move to upstate NY, until she can learn to control her spending habits. Aha! An ending: Suze Orman will show up and save the paltry – though quite pretty – pink coach wallet from near destruction. Sadly, there will have to be death though: BoFA will be destroyed, but really, who will miss it?

13 Comments:

Blogger Dirk the Feeble said...

Grocery shopping TWICE WEEKLY? Holy shit!

1:23 PM  
Blogger RoarSavage said...

OMG. I'm right there with ya, babes. But I refuse to move home to Oklahoma. Refuse. Upstate is better. Just don't leave us for long!

1:25 PM  
Blogger Sharkbait said...

Um no upstate. I will literally come to your house and tie you to your chair. There is no way I would let anybody go back to that.

Ew.
I'm here ... say it with me No Upstate...

1:42 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Arm: Do I sense sarcasm? Yes, twice a week at ridiculously expensive places that sell glorious sushi and pad thai.

Roar: Oklahoma?? I had no idea.

Sharkie!: I'm not moving upstate. I told someone earlier that I'd rather be pooped on every night this week if it means making money than go back home.

1:44 PM  
Blogger DC Cookie said...

But if we didn't spend, what would we have to stress about?

3:44 PM  
Blogger Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

Cookie - Boys?

4:31 PM  
Blogger RoarSavage said...

Gawd. I am soo done stressing about boys. ...Bring on the MEN! hehe. ; )

4:35 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Boys! God!

I'm going to return to stressing about money.

4:54 PM  
Blogger Rhinestone Cowgirl said...

But what about Lenny? And the kittens?? (sobbing for the poor soft, pretty little kittens)

5:07 PM  
Blogger Bone said...

Steinbeck's coming back?? Oh man, this is better than General Hospital!

11:24 PM  
Blogger TinaPoPo said...

Awwww, Cowgirl, the kittens.

I never felt bad for Lenny. Stop petting things so hard, you big dumb retard.

9:23 AM  
Anonymous Amalah said...

I already TOLD you I totally grounded the baby for pooping on you, right?

7:17 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

I think your exact words were "he's totally fucking grounded".

9:32 PM  

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