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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Spin This

I’ve become addicted to among other things, spinning. I love it. I do it every chance I get, which is both good and bad. I can easily get passed losing feeling in my legs for three days straight. No pain, no gain is what I say. Ok, I didn’t say that, but whatever. Given my new found love for this activity, it would be reticent of me, not to call out the person who makes this class quite disturbing. My spinning instructors vary, so they are not the culprits. As a matter of fact I get a kick from the guy with the microphone who pretty much sounds like he’s giving instructions on sex while spinning. You know; “harder” “faster” “keep going” that sort of thing.
No, the culprit is the girl who sits in front of me during my Monday evening class.

I tend to use the same bike every class. Not at the back but towards the side with one bike in front of me but to the left. And every Monday evening this chick comes and takes the bike in front of me, which is perfectly acceptable; I’m all for routine. But this whore who wears enough eye make up to make Kathryn Harris (pre congress Kathryn Harris) jealous. Which umm, hello, did you not realize that there would be sweating in this class? I can get past the eye make up though. What I’m unable to get past is the cotton shorts. This bitch, decides to get in front of me with teeny Daisy Duke-esque short shorts which barely cover her cellulite laden ass with a lovely line of sweat most notably on the crack, but also everywhere else. This disturbs me in ways that I cannot describe. I mean, my death by Spinner is being interrupted by her sweaty ass. At least I have the decency to cover up my fat – natch – ass with some sort of pants or Capri type things that wick away moisture and don’t make me look like I’ve just pissed myself.

So please dear girl, do us all a favor; cover up your ass and get something new and improved with enhanced moisture wicking properties. Though I doubt there is such a thing, try it. The girl who sits next to me and I can then focus on moving harder and faster (and ‘no, not there, ahhh yes there’) and less on your ass crack.


Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Tell her the Ass Sweating class is next door. She should be the instructor for that one . . .

1:36 PM  
Blogger Larissa said...

i don't understand why some girls feel like they need to wear makeup to the gym. it's one thing when you're coming from work, but otherwise, why? not that i go to the gym, but i'm just sayin ;-)

2:00 PM  
Blogger ocg said...

I just laughed at my desk... oh Heather, that’s rotten... hee hee

I think that gyms should make rules about these things... but maybe seeing her psuedo-piss-covered-cellulite-ass in the mirrors is what she needs for a faster faster harder harder hour...

3:02 PM  
Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Oh, dear. That's awful. I wish people could look at themselves in one of Stacy and Clinton's 360-degree mirrors sometimes, and this sounds like one of those times. I wouldn't want all of my junk out there while I'm shaking it on a bicycle... I hope she's just oblivious and it's not some freaky exhibitionism on her part. Shudder.

3:46 PM  
Blogger blake said...

Thanks alot, I'll have that sweaty cellulite image in my head the rest of the afternoon...

3:58 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

I'm glad that you all are now as disturbed about this as I am. I like to share the pain.

6:14 PM  
Blogger darlin nikki said...

Oh no, that is just wrong! My dinner has just sounded less appetizing by 90%.

9:23 PM  
Anonymous jenn said...

I took an aerobics class in college. It met at 8am 3 days a week and one showed up in full makeup, hot rollered hair and PEARLS


10:42 PM  
Anonymous MappyB said...

Nasty. I didn't know you and I were in the same class? How didn't your recognize me?! Haha. Gross. No, I took my first ever Death by Bicycle class on Monday morning, and I LOVED it too. I can see how it can become addicting.

Do you belong to the Gold's Gym on Capitol Hill by any chance?

7:23 AM  
Blogger RoarSavage said...

Now if you could only write a letter to the guy in my yoga class with the STANK-y feet.

9:36 AM  
Blogger Isabel said...

I can't decide which is worse...the make up or the ass. Both are pretty upsetting.

Maybe you should leave her a note in her locker. You never know, it might work.

10:06 AM  
Blogger industry whore said...

are you worried spinning is going to give you over-developed quads? i like it but i'm scared to go too often...

10:30 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

DN: I neglected to mention that afterwards I had to eat dinner as well, and it was quite difficult.

Jenn: There was a girl at my college gym who used to wear a gallon of makeup at like 6 AM.

Mappy: I belong to WSC.

Roar: I get really worried in Yoga about my feet. Though not whether or not they smell, but if I don't have nicely done toes, I get a little upset.

Isabel: I'm contemplating leaving a note on her bike and being like "look dude, I don't want to be seein' your ass sweat no more. Change the shorts"

IW: I actually never thought about that, but now I'm freaked out. Soon people will start writing public notes to me about my giant quads. Gah..

10:49 AM  
Anonymous Lynn said...

This is hysterical... I would suggest that you find another bike, but someone even worse may end up in front of you. I suppose you should just be glad that she is B.O. free. She is, right? 'Cause there are few things worse than kids in front of you at the gym with foul B.O.

Great site. Cheers!

1:08 PM  
Blogger Diet Coke of Evil said...

Hey - you going to the happy hour tonight?

1:28 PM  
Blogger Dirk the Feeble said...

I think sweaty ass cracks are HOT!

3:40 PM  
Blogger babyjewels said...

We have her at my gym too. Not pretty. Not pretty at all.

4:31 PM  

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