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Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Because nothing says Spring like a tour bus from Iowa

“April prepares her green traffic light and the world thinks Go.” ~Christopher Morley, John Mistletoe

While I wholeheartedly feel that you wonderful perfect people deserve a recap of the weekend events that lead to said table dancing, I fear that right now will not be that time. So you might end up getting this recap Friday because everyone should hear about the fucking tree frogs and why I suddenly love Canadian bacon and all things maple.

Instead there is a much bigger problem out there right now. A problem that involves a leader with a bright red umbrella and 25 preteens from Duluth Christian Academy all compulsively clad in bright orange t-shirts.

And now, a few open letters…

To the 8th grade class from Duluth Christian Academy,

While I appreciate your excitement of being in the same city as Norm Coleman, who I’m sure many of you scantily clad girls gush over at a moment’s notice, it is not appropriate to (A) be scantily clad on the metro, because I for one, do not need to see 8th grade boobs. Been there, done that and (B) it is not appropriate to scream at the top of your lungs at Sarah and Bobby who are a few seats down about their “like awesome kiss, like on the way back to the Holiday Inn on Capitol Hill” last night. I don’t want to hear about it and neither does the older Burberry dressed man sitting next to you. Also know that the poles situated at the center of the metro are for holding so that you don’t fall on your ass. While it would be most entertaining to watch you keel over every time the metro stopped short, you hold the pole and stand up. Why you’re swinging around and attempting pull ups is beyond me and I’m sure your parents and the Almighty, would be ashamed of your horrid public behavior. While we’re at it, if you stand in the middle of the fucking sidewalk trying to capture that perfect shot of the Supreme Court, I reserve the right to give you the finger. And if you yell one more fucking time in my ear, I’ll punch you in the mouth so fucking hard that you’ll no longer need those blue and red braces.

Peace, Love and Paul Wellstone,

Heather B.

Also, tell your teachers that wearing bright orange is tacky. And emblazoning it with “Duluth Christian Academy 8th Grade Spring Trip 2006” will only attract the kidnappers and people who can’t stand stupid tourists even more. I’m just sayin’…

To the Jones Family of Little Rock, Arkansas,

First and foremost, Mr. Jones, I seriously love the fanny pack and your hairy pasty white legs. Nothing says spring in the nation’s capital like a throwback to 1987. Since, we’re speaking right now, I should also let you know that while I’m sure you are also so very eager to have dragged little Joe and Beth to the Air and Space Museum (though the rest of their friends are enjoying fun in the sun in Orlando, but nice choice on the trip), it is not all that good of an idea to (A) stick your arm in the door when you fear it may leave, that is unless you aren’t all that attached to your right arm, then by all means feel free to have it removed by way of WMATA and (B) scream at the nearly catatonic commuters at 7:45 AM whether or not this – the red line – goes to the Smithsonian. It would help if you were literate and then you could learn to read the very complex metro map that the 8 year old I babysit for can navigate. I should also mention that your wife has lipstick on her teeth and again, what’s with the loud talking with the fucking southern drawl and holy hell, your children look like they might jump off the platform if you don’t stop with the “White House is so exciting” shit.

Peace, Love and common sense not to stand in the middle of the fucking platform,

Heather B.

To the tour bus full of senior citizens that swarmed onto metro,

Love the blue hair, Ida, really I do, but if you don’t move your octogenarian ass to right side of the escalator, I might have to push you. And that wouldn’t be fun for anyone.

Peace, Love and FDR forever,

Heather B.

To the people driving down Constitution looking for directions,

It should be needless to say, but apparently y’all aren’t too hip to the obvious body language that is the ipod and cell phone. As in, if my ipod bud is in one ear and my cell phone is to the other ear, that most likely means that I’m not interested in speaking and/or paying attention to you; because something serious is going on like a debate of what color I should have my toes painted. Also? When I told you – in a half assed, exasperated manner – that the White House was just down the street and to the left, I really had no fucking clue what I was talking about. No really, I don’t know how to get from the Hill to the White House. I also have no clue as to where the Tidal Basin is, but that’s another story for another day. And for fuck’s sake, learn how to drive.

Peace, Love and you really drove that ’96 pick up truck all the way from Oklahoma?

Heather B.

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Blogger Bone said...

What a nice, flavorful, juicy, but not too sweet, slice of DC.

And I once rode in the back seat of a 1995 (or older) Pontiac Sunbird for from Nashville to Richmond. 11 hours one way. 22 round trip. As it wouldn't really get above 60 mph without violently shaking.

2:31 PM  
Anonymous Angela said...

Yaaaaaay Little Rock! Way to get rid of that stigma attached to those of us from Hickville, USA!

2:53 PM  
Blogger RoarSavage said...

'96?!? That's like soo f*ing NEW!

This made me laugh out loud at work, Heather. Not a good idea when I'm trying to keep my head down...
; )

3:12 PM  
Blogger Scott said...

Thanks for this, I'm glad I'm not the only one who hates tourists. If you get the chance check out my April post on Spring in DC.

3:16 PM  
Blogger Complacent Chase said...

Oh my gosh this is totally cracking me up!

5:16 PM  
Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Aaaahhh. The Duluth school is my favorite. I hate lots of things (let's be honest), but I REALLY hate seeing young people (esp. girls) acting and dressing totally inappropriately. Make their braces unnecessary, indeed... I hope they find this post. :)

5:39 PM  
Blogger wunelle said...

8th grade boobs...


OK, not really.

5:50 PM  
Anonymous Jorge said...


This brings back memories of the trip I went on to New York City when I was in Grade 13.
We were told that we had to remain inconspicuous, and we wouldn't be bugged.
Of course, our tour guide was dressed entirely in bright red and was waving an umbrella (equally as red) around shouting at the top of his lungs.


I hated being a tourist in one of the coolest cities on Earth.

8:20 AM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

Dude, I totally just snorted in the middle of class. I interned on the Hill last semester, and even though I loved the city, I am so glad I don't have to deal with those god-awful tourists anymore (I mean, seriously, the city's on a grid, how hard is it to figure out). And lucky you, I had to take the Mississippi equivilent of the Duluth Christian Academy on Capitol tours... once a week.

8:29 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Bone: my aim is to show people how awesome living in this city is. Awesome like, beating your head on a rock, kind of awesome.

Angela: that LR reference was just for you.

Roary: I'm so very sorry.

Scott: it's less of a 'hate' and more of a 'why are these people such fucking idiots' kind of thing.

Chase: most excellent.

MG!: the worst part is that their parent's probably don't know that they packed their most prized halter top. It's a shame.

Wunelle: Better than 6th grade boobs.

Jorge: I couldn't imagine having to deal with asshats that come to NYC. And umm grade 13? really now. ;-)

Cheryl: I had to take the same type of people on tours when I interned as well. It's like a right of passage or something. Thus the reason for why I don't work on the Hill.

8:47 AM  
Blogger Lizzie said...

People who stand on the left side of the escalator deserve to be shot.

9:11 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Lizzie: apparently you have some strong feelings about this. It's ok, let it out...

What should we do about those fuckers who can't navigate a traffic circle? I'm thinking about slashing some tires. thoughts?

9:55 AM  
Anonymous Jorge said...

Heather: Don't mess with me. I don't think you guys have an "OAC" grade in the US. That has long since been cut in the unending quest to make it to the number one spot in some list somewhere regarding education.

You know what I'm talking about.
The one that has 6 years old kigs doing Trig?

Stupid Government.
Kids can do trig before tying their shoes now. What good's trig when your bose is bleeding from falling over due to tripping?

11:22 AM  
Blogger sparkles anonymous! said...

Best post ever.

2:05 PM  
Anonymous MappyB said...

I swear to God, one more day of asking people to please move to the right - and I'm buying an air horn, and blowing it behind them as I walk down.

I love that image.


4:04 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

Ohmigod. I am so embarassed for my former hometown (Duluth). Are you sure it wasn't Duluth, Georgia?


They were baring their midriffs because the grass is still brown in Duluth and the ice just cleared off Lake Superior.

Oddly enough, how you feel about tourists is how Duluth feels about tourists. Except the tourists pay the bills in Duluth.

But thank you for the Paul Wellstone reference. Loved him.

5:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Disagree with you politically, but good post here. WTF do these people think? I mean every damn day on the metro. They also seem to understand this concept of standing on the right walking on the left.

And don't get me started on the regular tourists who say 'will this train take me to so-so'. Well gee there is only 2 bleepin sides, pick one and if it goes the wrong way switch trains!

6:01 PM  
Blogger Blundering American said...

I'd say something about 8th grade boobs, but frankly, even going there will probably get me locked up, so instead I offer this.

What exactly is so hard about "Stand on the Right, Walk on the Left?"

Geez, I don't even live in DC anymore and it still annoys the crap out of me.

7:13 PM  
Blogger Dagny said...

Ah! Tourist season. And I am with you on the escalator thing. How hard is it to stand on the right side? There are still idiots out here who don't get that at BART stations. I have almost trampled some of them.

Best of luck surviving the tourists.

10:54 AM  
Anonymous sassymonkey said...

This is frightening. You sound like me.

And I wonder if "8th grade boobs" is a google trap...

5:54 PM  
Blogger Brunch Bird said...

All we wanted to do this afternoon was get to the driving range at Haines Point. Only problem? In between our humble abode in Adams Morgan and the range hunkered every single one of these groups. Seriously, I think we should sell our car. It's pointless to try to get anywhere in this city for the next two months.

By the way, holla (I still don't think I can pull that off, but anyhoo) at me at brunchbird(at)yahoo(dot)com. I've got an email to send you.

10:50 PM  

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