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Monday, April 03, 2006

Just can't fight that feeling

“The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.” ~Jim Davis

Being a child with no friends turned an adult with a substantial amount of friends, can lead one to develop an acute case of Sociophobia as well as a deep fear of making friends. One minute things could be just fine and the next kapow! Everyone hates me and probably wants me dead. Call be crazy, neurotic, psychotic, whatever, that’s just how I feel and I’m growing perfectly OK with it. Ok, not really, because if it were perfectly ok, I wouldn’t be sitting here trying to come to grips with it via the written word. Because that’s what happens right? We’re more apt to write when something really good or something really bad happens. When trying to work something out, it’s easier if I get it all out in writing first and then get to tackling the matter at hand. That’s just what works for me. Regardless, I’m still completely neurotic and will inevitably think that someone hates me even if how that person feels is far from that. I need validation and the occasional “HB I heart you” to make me not feel like the worst person in the world.

To this day, I have no idea what made people dislike me through the 8th grade. It’s not like I was the most hated person at Farnsworth Middle School but probably just Jr. High politics, but that was bound to happen as Cheerleading wasn’t exactly my forte. Instead I played the clarinet and soccer and pretended that a particular group of girls were actually my friends. This included bribes of gum and doling out the occasional dollar just so I could say that Jane spoke to me that day. So very sad, yet so very true.

All of this came up because I’m awaiting a response from someone I had emailed this morning about something pretty fucking minor and insignificant, and yet I’m sitting here thinking that this person probably dislikes me. Because obviously this person doesn’t have a job or other more important things to think about and it’s all ME ME ME! So yes, I’m crazy and yes I need to get a grip and yes I need to realize that my neuroses is getting the best of me. Also? No, I cannot really understand how I went from the girls in 7th grade hated me so now everyone hates me, including the mailman. It’s just a sad and pathetic truth that you and I will both have to live with. And if you hate me, feel free to tell me.

16 Comments:

Blogger ocg said...

I LOVE YOU!!!

4:26 PM  
Blogger ocg said...

I LOVE YOU!!!

4:26 PM  
Blogger ocg said...

I LOVE YOU!!!

4:26 PM  
Blogger ocg said...

(Because on days like today, you can't hear it too often...)

We all have these moments, when we get so caught up in our own minds that we allow insecurities to outweigh the reality (busy, work, etc.). Know that you are loved and this is just a minor thing.

And if this person did hate you* would it matter in the grand scheme of things?

Nope. Not at all.


*Not implying that they do at all.

4:29 PM  
Blogger darlin nikki said...

Ooo, I hate waiting for someone to return my email or phone call. Seems like FOREVER!

8:39 PM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

i hate waiting to hear from people, too.

11:44 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

I heart you, HB.

8:34 AM  
Blogger ❉ pixie ❉ said...

HB I heart you! Kids are mean, always have been, always will.

9:27 AM  
Blogger HomeImprovementNinja said...

Well, if it makes you feel better, I only hate you to the extent that I hate everyone...even myself.

Okay, I made that up, I don't hate you. And I don't hate myself...at least not more than is normal for someone who went to Catholic School as a kid. But I do hate almost everyone else. Actually, I don't really hate anyone...except the Danish. Damn them and their Danish Inquisition!

9:58 AM  
Blogger mysterygirl! said...

HB, I heart you.

It's hard, though, to put old insecurities away. Most people never do. Because you realize that it's a silly comparison (e.g. b/c of evil 7th grade girls, the mailman hates me), then you're already ahead of the game.

9:58 AM  
Blogger RoarSavage said...

I heart you, HB!

10:14 AM  
Blogger Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

Can I tell you that I dig ya? Can I tell you that?

11:01 AM  
Blogger FOUR DINNERS said...

Don't know you but ever so sorry 'cause I like you....

so there.

11:38 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Awww, I feel loved and apparently a lot of my love is coming from the West side (holla! OCG). Gracias amigos.

1:51 PM  
Blogger Stasi said...

hmm i dont know you, i'm a blog lurker. but i choose to lurk at your blog so that's gottta say something right? Also, i have the same neurosis.....

2:58 PM  
Blogger Isabel said...

I think we all have these feelings. And it sucks.

Does it count that all of us on the internet think you're a super cool gal?

Want to share a locker next year?

10:39 PM  

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