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Friday, April 21, 2006

Oh Misery

“The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.” ~Martin Mull

Yesterday there was apparently some talk of preparing for beach bodies. You know, rock hard abs, a tight ass and arms that don’t do that crazy jello jigglers thing. Though I was not part of the conversation, I was told that it was said that I’ve been “looking good lately”. Apparently losing 14lbs doesn’t go unnoticed and neither does the four lbs gained over the past week.

My reaction to this statement was an “Oh…but I haven’t been to the gym since the Neolithic period”. No one wants to hear that they’ve been looking good when they’re depressed. I want to hear that I’m getting paunchy and that my ass is looking mighty flabby.

So I did what any self-respecting woman would do, I went to Five Guys and gorged on ye old veggie sandwich (for future reference, they melt the cheese with the mushrooms and then they melt in your mouth and you praise the good Lord for fungus) and some Cajun fries. When I had finished stuffing my invariably chubby face with my food, I moved onto the chocolate Teddy Grahams and capped it all off with a glass of Shiraz, so that by the end I could be confident that I would be puking. But thankfully, there was none, but instead a stomach full of crap and one little chocolate graham arm lying next to me. Poor little bear.

Despite all of this there was a dark cloud looming above as a few days beforehand I had already pretty much sold my soul for a good cause. I’m sure that when I did it, I was being inhabited by someone else because when it comes to a good cause I’m all about shelling out the doe rather than actually doing something. I actually once cried while doing Habitat for Humanity because it was hot and I was tired and oh…I’m going to HELL. Apparently all of that didn’t matter the other day and my fingers and brain were doing the walking and my body – specifically my legs – wasn’t in on this conversation. A conversation in which I signed up for a fucking 5K… this 5K to be exact.

So you know what this means right? It means more time at the gym and less time stuffing my face with Cajun deliciousness and red wine. It also means putting this misery holding pattern that I’ve been in, on the back burner. Though perfectly capable of running 5K quite smoothly, I’m not about to embarrass myself in front of a few thousand people. I just look at it this way, hopefully this will keep me out of hell after the whole Habitat thing and I’ll probably lose like 10 lbs in the process. There's also that whole I fucking hate cancer thing that makes me want to do this oh and this minor detail. Let the running begin.

And of course all of you wonderful, kind, witty, pretty people can contribute right HERE.

As an added incentive, for all you local kids, if you donate the most, you'll get a little something from me...besides my undying love and affection that is.


Blogger Nicole said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who eats Teddy Grahams by body parts.

12:22 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

I'm glad I'm not the only person in her 20's eating teddy grahams.

12:25 PM  
Blogger ❉ pixie ❉ said...

I'm glad I'm not the one running...I'd rather be the one drinking the wine.

12:44 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Hey Heather- I run the race every year. And when I say "run", I mean "jog". I'm sure I'll see you passing me at the finish line. ;)

12:49 PM  
Anonymous Angela said...

I have an odd Teddy Grahams penchant. I like to put them in a bowl, drown them in milk, wait for them to get satisfyingly soggy and then eat them with a big ol' spoon!

Also, I'll definitely be donating--my mom has taken her recently cancer-free boobies to Disney World for the week, so we're all about kicking major cancer ass for everyone else now!

12:49 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Pixie: That's how I feel most days, but I figured it's a good cause and I can keep myself to one glass of wine instead of the whole bottle for a few weeks. At least that's the plan.

Liz: WHOOOOT! I'll be the sweaty girl hugging you at the end and freaking out because OH MY GOD, you're LIZ from the internetwebosphere!!! I tend to do that a lot.

Angela: Who knew I was in such good teddy grahams company?? And thank you thank you a million times thank you.

1:18 PM  
Blogger the belligerent intellectual said...

I've always liked you, but for some reason knowing that you broke down crying while doing Habitat For Humnity just made me like you about 60% more.

2:37 PM  
Blogger Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

Ha, I have to say that whenever I feel fat, I too have to justify it by gorging on food. Love it.

But about the Habitat for Humanity thing, it is an emotional thing. I felt similar when I was working on it.

5:25 PM  
Blogger Neil said...

I always thought you're supposed to eat carbs before a big race. You can just start eating it a little early...

11:07 PM  
Anonymous MappyB said...

I'm signed up for that too a few weeks ago! Good luck with training. I'd love to be able to jog the whole thing, so we'll see.

9:16 AM  
Blogger Sue Ellen Mischke said...

That's great that you are running the 5K. It's a good cause and you get the added benefit of losing 10 lbs. You know you're still young, by the way, when losing 10 lbs. comes to you so easily. Cherish it while you can.

2:08 PM  
Blogger LisaBinDaCity said...

You know that if you were miserable and looked crappy you would be even MORE miserable right?

4:59 AM  
Blogger RoarSavage said...

OOOh, will you drag my ass to the gym?

2:30 PM  
Anonymous Jorge said...


I'm rooting for you even though I have not contributed money to your cause. If igure that I have supported your economy enough by buying that wallet at the market and all the booze that I consumed in your wonderful city.


PS: I am going to link to you. Because you know what I look like, and can probably run my ass into the ground.

10:25 PM  
Blogger beachgirl said...

What a GREAT cause!! I will make sure to make a donation.. I make donations b/c I am totally opposed to exercise of ANY kind, but if shopping were a sport, I would be a world champion!

Good Luck and let us know how it goes!!

12:18 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Y'all are awesome as always, thanks for the support.

And dearest sweet wonderful Jorge, you deserve an entire post dedicated to your awesomeness. But sadly, that won't be today because I'm still recovering from the hangover from hell.

12:43 PM  

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