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Monday, April 17, 2006

This is the story that never ends: Deux

Read Part I here

A funny thing happened on the way to the funeral

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Like, I set my alarm for 7AM with the intention of going to the gym before I left for Long Island. Did I go? Nope. Was I a little upset by this, yes, because I hadn’t gone Wednesday either (Heather: 0; Heather’s waist: 457). One day without the gym, pisses me off; two days, make me think about a colonic. I also intended to leave my apartment at 10AM thus giving me plenty of time to lounge around my Aunt’s condo for three hours, prior to my Grandfather’s viewing and funeral service. I left at 10:11 AM. Perfect.

Now, let’s play a fun game called Guess who got a flat tire on I-95 and doesn’t have AAA, a map or a clue as to where she’s located. Ready? Go! I mean I knew I had hit some bumpy road, but then I had the all too familiar feeling of rim on pavement and the smell of burnt rubber. Deep breaths, this will only put me an hour tops off of the projected course. All is well (have I mentioned how anal I can be when it comes to driving times, but when it comes to being at my desk by 9AM, I find that a wee bit difficult?). So um yeah, again I call my mother who tells me to call 911.

When I first learned how to dial 911, it was in the age of Rescue 911. I always envisioned my first time to be to save my mother after she had a horrible injury. Or maybe to save Garrett after he fell in the (fictional) pool. But alas not, as my first time calling 911 was because I’m an idiot who doesn’t have AAA. Long story short, I called, they came and put my donut on and I was informed that no, I wouldn’t be able to drive the 3 hours left to NY and that the next exit was a mile away. Ok. Fine. In East bumble fuck Delaware. Like, I expected cows and shit in them there parts of the state. I had to stop at three different places before being price gouged for a quality BF Goodrich. I got the tire and then left on my merry way…

Like I said paved to hell…I started back onto I-95 when my mirror. The busted mirror that was precariously held to my car with clear duct tape, was flapping in the breeze as I was doing 80MPH. Convinced that I was about to be mirrorless and/or pulled over, I decided to get off at the next exit (this time in New Jersey). I figured that like in most cities, there’d be a CVS near by, but then again, this is New Jersey. So instead of a CVS, I happened upon a Walmart. There’s something to be said for reapplying silver duct tape to your car in the middle of a Walmart parking lot.

I’ll spare you the inane details of the remainder of the trip, which included – but are not limited to – traffic, a 45 minute wait to get gas, pouring rain, the brief second where I contemplated leaving my car sitting on the Belt parkway and walking from JFK to Long Island, and when I decided that chocolate teddy grahams are the best fucking thing on earth. Lesson learned: Get ye some AAA and always use the silver duct tape.

Next up: It’s all Relative


Blogger Saron said...

This story just reminded me of the time I had to go into Wal-Mart for some silver duck tape to tape the bumper back onto my car. It was early in the morning and all of the employees were in a group huddle and they actually said a cheer. I wanted to die a little bit.

12:31 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Oooh Saron, your comment just gave me a brilliant idea.

Please feel free to share your best Walmart story. Though I doubt you can compare to putting duct tape on your car in a Walmart parking lot in New Jersey.

12:38 PM  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

Here's my Walmart story: I took my car to Walmart for an oil change, because I am too lazy to make an appointment and to cheap to get ripped off at Jiffy Lube. I am sitting in the ghetto waiting area watching their TV with bunny ears, and the car dude comes in and says "Ma'm we have a problem, you have a slow oil leak". "Yea, I know. You can still change the oil right?" 5 minutes later he came back and said "Umm... ma'm... are you aware that your blinker is broken? I tried to change the bulb, but it still doesnt work. It's really BROKEN". Me: "Yes, I am aware, it has been like that for 2 years, don't worry about it." 5 minutes later: "Ma'm... um, did you know that your hood doesn't shut all the way" Me: "Yup, I know. So that means you're all done? Great, where do I pay?"

Perhaps all who have spent too much time on the NJ Turnpike are destined to have shitty cars.

1:05 PM  
Blogger RoarSavage said...

AAA is SO key. And getting gas in NJ is always painful. Always.
So sorry love.

1:55 PM  
Anonymous Angela said...

I'm dying laughing at these Wal-Mart/duct tape stories!! I've changed a windshield wiper there before, but I think that lacks a lot of the irony we're going for here.

It sounds to me like someone could use some nice chocolatey bunny ears right about now!

2:30 PM  
Anonymous sandra said...

I had a really similar trip once (although not on the way to a funeral!) -- which I think I need to blog about...

3:44 PM  
Blogger blake said...

I'm not so sure about the AAA option. My one experience was in east bumble f*ck South Carolina. The tow truck NEVER came. Had it not been for a good samaritan - I'd still be there! When I finally got home, I cancelled AAA.

4:02 PM  
Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Oh no, Heather-- as if you weren't stressed enough. I await the other segments...

5:41 PM  
Anonymous Maliavale said...

Holy fuck, Batman! That freaking sucks. And Saron's tale, too.

Am currently brainstorming my best Wal-Mart story.

7:53 PM  
Blogger Jasclo said...

Holy crap, girl! Glad you made it back in one piece. Or did you?

9:46 PM  
Blogger MKD said...

Silver duct tape? I think you mean MacGyver Tape.

10:20 PM  
Blogger ❉ pixie ❉ said...

I have to disagree with blake.

AAA=the best money you never wanted to spend on a service you hope you'll never need, but inevitably will.

Glad you made it in one piece.

7:13 AM  

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