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Monday, May 08, 2006

C'est la vie

“My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.” ~Ashleigh Brilliant

I’m intrinsically pretty type A. So as I sat munching away at carrots and laughing cow cheese, I realized how uncharacteristic of my usual self that I have been. Not that I’m normally happy go lucky all is well or some such bullshit, but on the whole, if things are ‘fine’ then I am ‘fine’ and will respond as such. That is unless I’m terribly depressed – which has happened before – but that’s usually marked by random disappearances and self inflected injuries, capped off with 2+ years in therapy.

Anyway, I’ve been wholly unmotivated lately, to the point where my bedroom looks like Hiroshima (or Nagasaki or the Atlantic after the Titanic sank, whatever) and my sleeping pattern can be likened to a newborn at best, with the waking up every two hours at night, but not being soothed by a caring parent. I’ve also been driven to tears by pure ridiculousness of my own manifestation. Other highlights include: crying because I couldn’t find the Gap on South Street and holy hell there should be a Gap every-fucking-where; being flipped off and yelled at at the Exxon in Northeast by some large burly black man; crying during the credits of the West Wing which was remedied by my mother calling CJ Cregg a Bitch. So as you can see, I’ve been nothing but a ball of laughs lately and I just can’t shake it.

Beyond packing my shit up and driving a uhaul to Jackson Hole and/or hold a party for Kris, without whom I would never recognize the lamey, lameness of others, which completely trumps my own, and/or holding a party for the wonderful congresswoman from FL, without which no one would ever read my blog and I’d be equally as lame and/or just ahhhh…I’m also having a bit of a shit time with realizing that the past five years have fucking flown by and yet I’m feeling wholly inadequate with a headache to boot.

Re-reading that last part, I’m just a lady in waiting: Waiting for things to start making sense again so I can just get on with it. Impatient is the first word that comes to mind.


Anonymous Jorge said...

Impatience can be the devil.

I would suggest kicking impatience in the jimmy and getting on with straightening things out.

I used to be pretty depressed. I was a lot younger, and in a different place than you, but we're all in the same club.

I don't really know why you feel this way, as I have only recently met you. But from what I've seen (and read), you are a pretty amazing person, neuroses notwithstanding (actually, our neuroses were in the back room cutting some kind of deal at that Italian place we ate at while you were using the C word like it's your job).

We, each of us, is entitled to being in the shit dumpster once in a while. But letting ourselves stay there is the problem. Somtimes, malaise can be so goddamned comfortable that it becomes a habit.

The sad thing is, that it's only really a stop gap. The only way for our bodies to deal is to either work hard on being the opposite, or continuing down a spiral.

It's all like a drug.

You have to stop waiting, and make things happen. Even the smallest victories can make your live that much better.

Your apron-wearing superhero,

7:37 PM  
Blogger Kris said...

Getting both of us cheered up is now going to become one of my jobs.

7:30 AM  
Blogger LisaBinDaCity said...

It's really hard sometimes to get out of a funk. When I get there, I congratulate myself for even getting one thing done that day. It tends to escalate from there...

7:56 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Jorge: well said friend, well said

Kris: oh pretty please, but lets try to do it sans alcohol because I doubt my liver can handle that

LisaB: my main goal right now is making it to the gym. If I can do that then I'm at least a little on track.

11:03 AM  
Anonymous Dorkette said...

I'm caught in that tired-I-don't-wanna-do-nothin' funk too. It sucks beyond all suckiness. I agree, getting to gym would help. If you can figure out how to get yourself up and out, let me know because I still haven't found the motivation. I bought a pricey little elliptical number so I wouldn't have ANY excuses. It's in my living room, serving as quite the conversation piece.

Hang in there!

1:15 PM  
Blogger the belligerent intellectual said...

Impatience can be a good thing sometimes. Like when I go on a date with a girl and I get impatient because she won't take her shirt off. So then I know it isn't going to work out between us. You see? (Hopefully you weren't looking for actual advice or even a coherent response.)

2:46 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Dorkette: So far so good with the gym going thing. I went yesterday and didn't succumb to eating everything in sight and I'm also going this evening. So woo hoo

TBI: From you? I would accept nothing but that comment. I like being forced to laugh when I'm in a crapass mood. So thanks for that.

3:34 PM  
Blogger Pink Lemonade Diva said...

Am I to understand that you were here, in my Philadelphia??

7:46 PM  

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