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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Gas issues

“Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius.” ~George Bernard Shaw

Once again, I am breaking the rules to bring you this awesome episode into my perpetual stupidity.

You’re welcome.

Having actually left my house this morning at the appointed time, in order to stop and get gas, I was feeling very much in control, which I thoroughly enjoy. I was clad in a recently returned from the dry cleaners outfit and wearing flip flops (Vineyard Vines, if you must know) when I headed into the gas station.

I pumped, removed some garbage and awaited my fate. I had put the little clippy thing down, so that I could remove debris (seriously, there was a fucking tomato piece in my car. Possibly from chipotle. Yeah, I can drive and eat a burrito but only semi-successfully). When I hit about $45 for gas, I decided that that would be enough. Actually my paltry bank account decided that that would be enough. Which is when I made the oh so brilliant decision to yank. YANK - the gas nozzle from the tank, of course forgetting that it was still pumping given that I had put the little clip down

Gas. Everywhere. On my pants, my shirt, the shirt I was wearing under my other shirt, my hand, my feet. Fucking everywhere. And in complete shock over my brilliance, I kind of just stood there bewildered. Maybe even thinking about a stray match or ash that might come swooping over and blow my ass up to kingdom come.

I can see the headlines now “22 Year old DC resident, blown to bits after spilling a gallon of gasoline all over her stupid, stupid self. Witnesses say that it was a ‘spectacular event’” It would’ve been like fucking Helios going across the morning sky.

Common sense, I never knew ye.


edit to add: Because everyone loves to hear about consumerism; I spent a grand total of $53 on gas this morning, which probably included what was wasted on my favorite Anthropologie shirt. I drive a fucking sable. Last I checked, a sable isn't an H3, but I could be wrong.

23 Comments:

Blogger Diet Coke of Evil said...

"even models can die in a freak gasoline fight accident"

it might have been better if there had been orange mocha frappachinos!

10:28 AM  
Blogger MKD said...

I like the smell of gasoline. But then I couldn't smoke around you. And that would be sad.

10:48 AM  
Blogger Kathryn Is So Over said...

HOLY CRAP.

That's an interesting, well-written story. How in the world is that breaking the "rules"...which aren't even rules... ???

Damn, girl.

Please to let us know how you got yourself home. Did you put your gassy self right into your car? Drive with the windows down?

10:49 AM  
Anonymous Angela said...

Hahahaha!!! Do you know, after years of hearing all the urban legends about people who talk on the phone and explode themselves at gas stations, sit in the car and then the static ignites the gasoline, etc, etc, I am absolutely TERRIFIED of pumping gas. It hasn't quelled my love for the *smell* of gasoline, but I hate to pump it...

11:02 AM  
Anonymous MappyB said...

And on the VV flops too! I just bought my first pair, they arrive tomorrow.

How did you get home? Are your clothes even washable? Or straight to the trash. That's scary.

11:18 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

DCOE: My comments go to my inbox and when I first read that quote, I was so freaking confused. And then I kept thinking about it more and more, and just now reading, I FUCKING GOT IT! Then I laughed hysterically thinking about the gasoline fight, because that was classic. I even said it in a Zoolander accent.

MKD: People actually like the smell of gasoline?? Do you not read the giant signs they put up at the pump? About not breathing and holding your breath in a manner that would rival David Blaine's meager attempt?? I can't stand the smell and now my car smells like it.

Kathryn: Actually I said the rules part before I flushed out the entire story, because at first it was just going to be "I spilled gas all over myself like a fucking moron. The end." But alas not.
I brought myself home (windows and sunroof open) and brought my clothing to the dry cleaners. Then cried because I loved those pants and hopefully they aren't ruined.

Angela: Ok, I'm the idiot who has actually been on the phone while pumping on numerous ocassions. I just read the official gas pumping rules today. I hate the smell and I hate pumping.

Mappy: hopefully the VVs can be spared. If not, then I live down the street from a VV, so I can get a pair next week. The clothes went to the dry cleaners so hopefully they'll be fixed. If not, then those pants had gotten too big, so no big, but I'm still sad.

11:39 AM  
Blogger Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

People like the smell of gasoline?

Really?

And Heather once the pump malfunctioned on me and poured, oh 20 gallons of gas onto the pavement beneath my car and then the station attendants yelled at me and made me pay for it. It's not as horrendous as having it spilled all over me and my favorite clothes, but I can empathize.

11:45 AM  
Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Oh my gosh. I'm doing dumb stuff all the time (see: projectile vomiting; ripping out pants zippers), but none of mine have been potentially lethal. You are the master! I hope your clothes come out okay, and I'm glad that there were no sparks!

11:48 AM  
Blogger Dirk the Feeble said...

I spent $38 on gas, but it wasn't a full tank.

2:34 PM  
Anonymous Amy said...

I wrote a really heartwarming post about how you're not alone, and how homeless people are nicer & more helpful than gas station attendants, but apparently my inability to type in word verification stuff deleted my post. So, anyways, it was heartwarming, empathetic, and full of fluffy kitties & little duckies & all that shit. Much better than this, really.

Sorry

2:44 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Marci: Yes, people like the smell of gasoline. Weirdos. Gas station attendents are oh so helpful. I once got my credit card stuck in a machine and got yelled at for it. I think that may have been as traumatic as today's issues.

3:52 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

MG: yeah, that whole ripping of the zipper was pretty bad. Here's to hoping my clothing comes out nice and pretty.

Dirk: You're back! the other week I spent $41 and I almost died, but fifty fucking three is ridiculous.

Amy: Damn it, you'll have to save the rainbows and clouds and skittles for another time. But that comment was perfectly good and I thank you.

4:16 PM  
Blogger Isabel said...

You probably answered this...but did you go home & change? That smell would have made me sick if I had to smell it all day!!

Gas prices are going to kill us. Who can afford that? Because I can't!!

(I have nothing clever to write....mostly because I'm typing one handed-which is too darn hard!!)

5:31 PM  
Blogger the belligerent intellectual said...

I would honestly pay $100 for security video footage of this taking place. I would even pay $20 for a live reenactment using a garden hose.

8:23 PM  
Blogger Bone said...

I would have cried over the wasted gasoline. I don't even like to see drops fall from the nozzle as I'm replacing it after fueling.

I once pulled up to a station where one pump was all black and burned and had police tape around it. I always wondered what happened.

10:35 PM  
Blogger DeAnn said...

$53 is an insane amount of gas. And I don't see how you broke a rule. What did you do? Post twice in one day?

10:50 PM  
Anonymous nabbalicious said...

$53?! That's NUTS! Ugh, and I'm sorry about your clothes. But mmm. I love the smell of gasoline. I'd probably sniff my clothes all day if that happened to me.

11:53 PM  
Anonymous Jorge said...

Heather.

I have no words.
Other than...

Ready for it?


Beano gets rid of gas....

9:33 AM  
Blogger TinaPoPo said...

Who would give your eugeugoly?

10:36 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

Oh, no! You deserve some Shiraz.

12:19 PM  
Blogger DC Cookie said...

Please say you went to work as is...

2:05 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

While I'm sure one could get that security video pretty cheaply, I doubt it would be that entertaining. Save for the look of horror on my face as I try to act like (and pray that) no one saw this happen.

For the record, I first went home, put on some random crap that I could throw together, didn't remove any lint because the lint brush was behind the television (of course! Where do you keep your lint brush?), then went to the dry cleaners and then to work.

2:22 PM  
Blogger F.Cali said...

I laughed so hard I cried. Ow. My stomach hurts. Please continue sharing your stupidity with us.

6:19 PM  

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