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Monday, May 22, 2006

Horrification

“The first thing in the human personality that dissolves in alcohol is dignity.” ~Author Unknown

It had been a perfectly acceptable evening spent with Marci and Roary, traipsing through Adam’s Morgan and then to Dupont. I even – quite literally – jumped for joy at the sight of Ms. Cookie. And I had finally gotten over that which was the uber exclusive Fly, which is an excellent place to go for good music and if you don’t mind losing a toe. I mean really, you’ve got nine more.

So, evening? Good. As I walked to the metro – therefore totally defying Roary – I found that my hips were hurting me even more than they had earlier. I felt like the Tin Man and that my joints needed some oiling before I even thought about prancing around for a new heart. I was walking funny…a strange little limp of some sort I suppose. Anyway, as I was walking – nay hobbling – to the metro a man walked up to me. A man, that I had never seen in my life came up to me out of the blue, while I was semi inebriated and in pain to comment on my gait. Not only to comment but he actually said to me “look at you twisting like that (I wasn’t twisting, but whatever), Go on girl, look at you walking with your big ass.” And of course, said with a smile.

Now, what does one do in this situation?

(A) Do a round house kick and karate chop to the little fucker

(B) Do an impressive half nelson maneuver that had been learned in seventh grade

(C) Castrate the motherfucker and then explain to the police why there is so much black on black crime

(D) Become overwhelmingly horrified and then walk faster to the metro while covering your “big ass” with a skimpy wrislet

(E) Bust out my nine and pray that I have good aim


I decided to go with ‘D’ and just thank God that no one was there to witness. Sunday morning I ran my ass off and then walked the two miles to and from Gallery Place and tried to subsist on an apple and orange juice for the day because I HAVE A BIG ASS!


Ok, that’s a lie I don’t have a big ass. And even if I did, it’s an ass that is now 17 lbs lighter and in dire need of some new jeans. So take that drunk, homeless man and be happy you still have your baby making parts, asshole.

18 Comments:

Blogger ocg said...

Don't listen to he homeless, most often they have no clue what they are talking about.

One of my girlfriends was telling me that one of her boyfriends friends called her "thick" not a compliment in any girls' book...

When will men learn?

11:05 AM  
Blogger RoarSavage said...

I CANNOT BELIEVE you walked to the metro BY YOURSELF! At 1AM! Grrr...

11:21 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

OCG: They will learn as soon as their penis' are removed with a rusty butter knife.

Roary: I know, I know! I'm sorry...:-(
Oh and we have an invite to Fly in a few weekends. Roomie said to get there early.

12:14 PM  
Anonymous Angela said...

But up until the crazy homeless man that sounds like a really awesome night! Maybe just hit the backspace key over the last section of the evening...

Anyway, you go with your 17 pounds! I keep saying I'm going to lose weight, but then they have those Hersheys Sundae Pies at Burger King and all self control kind of goes out the window!

12:33 PM  
Blogger RoarSavage said...

We could be there this weekend if it wasn't Memorial Day.
How do you feel about going out to the poshest new places on weeknights?
; )

12:56 PM  
Blogger jackt said...

As long as it's not your big toe you lost, it's no problem. I'm down to seven. On my left foot.

1:54 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

I hate it when perfect strangers feel free to comment.
What's worse is when men read my luscious ass as an invitation to grope it. For example, when I was waitressing at a popular club in college, I was once accosted by the words "girrrrl, you got an ass like a tabletop" and then the kind sir proceeded to lock me against a ceiling support pole and grope it.

Ugh. Guys! Stop looking, stop touching, and stop commenting!

2:38 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

The hell? And also, the nerve!

At least it made a good blog story.

2:52 PM  
Anonymous MappyB said...

I liked Option C.

Man, there's a homeless guy that always gives me advice on the walk home. I looked sad one day, and he said, "Long Day", I nodded, and he said, "Get yourself a good night's sleep then girl."

I will send him your way!

2:59 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Angela: up until the homeless man part I wasn't feeling violent. Now I'm in the mood for kicking ass.

Roary: I love that I had no idea where/what this place was and apparently it's cool and posh etc. For the record I am neither cool or posh.

Jackt: I lost my pinkie toe and had some vodka tonic spilled all over it.

Kate: Exactly! What the hell would posess somone to comment on a perfect stranger's ass and/or gait?? Leave me the f*ck alone.

Liz: the story of my life...ok, not really, but I didn't have anything else to write about today so at least that helped.

MappyB: I'm a fan of option C as well.

4:12 PM  
Blogger Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

I had one dude on the street once tell me I had linebacker legs.

:|

Isn't the Metro up there like a mile away? Is you crazy?

4:28 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

I walked from Dragonfly to the Farragut North metro which is like 3 blocks.

Also, I once walked from Gallery Place to Union Station at like 3 am and lived to tell the tale.

4:48 PM  
Blogger Lizzie said...

17 pounds?! That's awesome! (In France, I got told all the time by random people on the street that I had a big ass. I only cried the first dozen times or so.)

5:09 PM  
Anonymous Jurgen Nation said...

You DO NOT have a big ass. You didn't when I saw you a few months ago and if you lost so much weight, you don't now. Congratulations on the loss, btw. Yeaaaah! It's such hard work, but you've done wonderfully! Be proud of yourself. At least when you get drunk you have a home to stumble to.

Okay, that was mean.

No it wasn't. He said you had a big ass.

Pardon me whilst I fight with myself.

7:01 PM  
Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I'm sure he meant big ass in a good way. Congrats on the weight loss, and at least you have a home!

10:33 PM  
Blogger Facinacion said...

I thought big asses are a good thing... in Africa all the ladies are doing everything possible to bring more attention to their asses.... and the men are all crazy about them. Boobs don't mean anything for some reason.

2:10 AM  
Anonymous Jorge said...

I would have said...

...wait for it...

Better a big ass than a small dick, you mofo...

Aw yeah.

I'd have gone there.

12:50 AM  
Blogger Dagny said...

I often walk the streets around here in the wee hours of the morning on my way home. I pass many of the same homeless folks on my route. The difference here is that most of them are asleep in doorways when I pass them.

Oh, and I so would have gone with option C.

1:15 PM  

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