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Monday, May 01, 2006

I Scream

“Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos.” ~Don Kardong

Having recently spent more time than necessary at Ben and Jerry’s (also, having recently gained 45.3 lbs from spending so much time there) I have witnessed some behavior that has driven me batshit, I might as well scoop that crap myself, crazy. While these things should be needless to point out, I feel as though it’s my service to my fellow man and ice cream lovers, to point out glimpses in asshat-ry that seem to arise when getting ice cream. Though it should be fairly straightforward, sometimes it is not and seriously one day I might jump over the counter and get my own damn The Last Straw.

  1. I’m all for small children getting ice cream, because hyper five year olds are fun akin to being hit over the head with a baseball bat. I’m also all for literacy and teaching junior how to properly pronounce “motherfucker” but when you feel it necessary for junior to pick out his own ice cream when there’s a line out the fucking store behind him, then? There’s a problem. Please don’t stand there and have him take 14 hours to sound out “New York Super Fudge Chunk”. While scoop shops aren't necessarily violent places, I cannot be held responsible for what I might do if your child takes an hour to order.

  1. Free Cone Day is tantamount to Christmas. It comes just once a year and then with a snap, it’s over. That said, I’d like to enjoy my little foray out of my cave to get some ice cream. I also realize the popularity of the day so I try to be amicable and not think about punching people. But I swear on my life, if you are in front of me and already in line and then your family of 14 and your dog, show up to get in line with you, I will (at first) gently tell you that 14 people aren’t about to get in front of me, as there is a line around the damn block. If you so much as fight me on this, I’ll have no choice but to physically remove them myself. Free Cone day is no joke and I’m sure the 343 people behind me would not be too keen on your loved ones just jumping ahead.

  1. While we’re on the subject of free cone day and long lines, I should send a shout out to those who work in scoop shops. Particularly the young man who served me on Wednesday. I asked him for a cup holder for my milkshakes and he replied with “We don’t got none” and then he went on to tell his coworker how taking the ninth grade English exam was “dumb shit” and that he shouldn’t have to take it. Now, I’m no grammar whiz, in fact I suck at it and I managed to get through many an AP English class, but I’m fairly certain that saying “we don’t got none” is improper English and maybe this young man should think a little more about retaking the 8th grade English exam. I’m just sayin…

So those are the rules though subject to change depending on how nice I’m feeling and/or how desperate I am for a cone.



Blogger mysterygirl! said...

How ludicrous to think that one could bring his whole family to cut the line! Placeholders do not exist on Free Cone Day. That's not my rule; that's just the way it is.

Oh, and Ben and Jerry's flavors are FAR too complex to have your kids look at them one by one and try to remember what is in them all.

Then again, I am a misanthrope.

9:22 AM  
Blogger Lizzie said...

I LOVE that quote. Brilliant.

10:11 AM  
Anonymous Melissa said...

I used to work at a Marble Slab Creamery during grad. school and let me just say that some of those customers are not only awful to wait in line behind but are much much worse to actually serve. There were times I wanted to scream and throw the ice cream at them. But that doesn't help you to keep a job so i always refrained.

10:19 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

MG!: I almost flipped out when that happened, but I played my cool and gently reminded the offender that there was a line down Pennsylvania and so it wouldn't be fair for her 8 children to just hop in line. She gave me a dirty look.

Lizzie: sometimes the best part about the post is finding the perfect quote.

Melissa: I honestly could never have that kind of job. I'm sure the customers must have been a handful. In all honesty, I'm not that bad, but free cone day is free cone day. And I'm polite to those that work there because I know that it can be overwhelming and I also don't want anyone spitting in my ice cream.

10:28 AM  
Blogger ❉ pixie ❉ said...

Wow. Makes me not feel so bad that I missed Free Cone Day due to the lack of B&J around here.

10:39 AM  
Blogger Diet Coke of Evil said...

This reminds me of Mr. Anthrope's post about Transaction Non-Awareness (TNA). I think the proposed solution was that, when someone is oblivious to how long they are taking with their transaction, you are allowed to smack them in the head. Time alloted varies based on type of transaction, but I would guess ice cream orderers get 5 seconds per order.

10:59 AM  
Anonymous Angela said...

All this talk of ice cream drove me to our snack bar. And the only thing there worth eating was a Swiss Cake Roll. And since that's not even close to the equivalent of a heavenly scoop of B&J ice cream I had to have two packages of them. Which actually equates to four Swiss Cake Rolls. Which means that subsequently I will be running tonight. Which ultimately means that I am now very displeased with you, Heather Barmore, and your ice cream talking self.

2:16 PM  
Blogger Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

Mmmm ice cream. Safeway just roped me into buying two (half gallons?) of that slow-churned stuff because it was, of course, buy one get one free. Bastards. The up side is that there are no screaming kids in line in the freezer section.

Funnily, I didn't like ice cream as much as I do now when I worked at Baskin Robbins in high school. I guess that's a blessing. Otherwise I would have been a 462lb sophomore.

4:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said... cream.
Remind me never to get in the way of your ice cream fix!! ha ha

5:06 PM  
Anonymous MappyB said...

Yum. I am craving some now. Thanks. :) And I just got back from working out. But I can't justify it on my first day back. Haha....

5:25 PM  
Blogger darlin nikki said...

i mistakenly dumped my change leftover from a cone at our local coldstone creamery and wanted to apologize to the kids working--they have to sing these crazy cheers whenever they get a tip! total torture, for everyone involved i might add. but nothing some coffee scoops won't cure ;)

9:47 PM  
Anonymous Jorge said...

I'm glad I don't go in for free cone day.
I buy a tub of ice cream once in a while, and the aggravation I save is weighed against the cost of the ice cream.

Turns out, that with that mathematical reasoning, that I'm pyaing myself $20 every time I take a spoonful.

(PS: Changed my blog address to wordpress)

11:42 AM  
Blogger Isabel said...

While Free Cone Day sounds good on's worth the $5 to go on "non Free Cone Day" and miss all the madness.

(oh, I love ice cream!)

12:54 PM  

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