“Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos.” ~Don Kardong
Having recently spent more time than necessary at Ben and Jerry’s (also, having recently gained 45.3 lbs from spending so much time there) I have witnessed some behavior that has driven me batshit, I might as well scoop that crap myself, crazy. While these things should be needless to point out, I feel as though it’s my service to my fellow man and ice cream lovers, to point out glimpses in asshat-ry that seem to arise when getting ice cream. Though it should be fairly straightforward, sometimes it is not and seriously one day I might jump over the counter and get my own damn The Last Straw.
- I’m all for small children getting ice cream, because hyper five year olds are fun akin to being hit over the head with a baseball bat. I’m also all for literacy and teaching junior how to properly pronounce “motherfucker” but when you feel it necessary for junior to pick out his own ice cream when there’s a line out the fucking store behind him, then? There’s a problem. Please don’t stand there and have him take 14 hours to sound out “New York Super Fudge Chunk”. While scoop shops aren't necessarily violent places, I cannot be held responsible for what I might do if your child takes an hour to order.
- Free Cone Day is tantamount to Christmas. It comes just once a year and then with a snap, it’s over. That said, I’d like to enjoy my little foray out of my cave to get some ice cream. I also realize the popularity of the day so I try to be amicable and not think about punching people. But I swear on my life, if you are in front of me and already in line and then your family of 14 and your dog, show up to get in line with you, I will (at first) gently tell you that 14 people aren’t about to get in front of me, as there is a line around the damn block. If you so much as fight me on this, I’ll have no choice but to physically remove them myself. Free Cone day is no joke and I’m sure the 343 people behind me would not be too keen on your loved ones just jumping ahead.
- While we’re on the subject of free cone day and long lines, I should send a shout out to those who work in scoop shops. Particularly the young man who served me on Wednesday. I asked him for a cup holder for my milkshakes and he replied with “We don’t got none” and then he went on to tell his coworker how taking the ninth grade English exam was “dumb shit” and that he shouldn’t have to take it. Now, I’m no grammar whiz, in fact I suck at it and I managed to get through many an AP English class, but I’m fairly certain that saying “we don’t got none” is improper English and maybe this young man should think a little more about retaking the 8th grade English exam. I’m just sayin…
So those are the rules though subject to change depending on how nice I’m feeling and/or how desperate I am for a cone.
Labels: gruyere with that wine