“History: gossip well told.” ~Elbert Hubbard, The Roycroft Dictionary
Other than parents and brother, I have had six roommates. Six people to (un) successfully adapt to. Six people to drive me batshit insane and contemplate taking out a small loan in order to live in peace, quiet and nakedness. I’ve been thinking about the string of poor and unsuspecting individuals that have been my roommates, over the past few days. At times smiling and remembering the good times and other times recalling the days when I really thought of how I would look in an orange jumpsuit and shackles, because I swear on my life that if I hear you and your boyfriend fucking in our dorm room, that I will shoot the both of you. What follows is a brief account of my time with each. I swear that in each case the roommate was at fault and that I was a pleasure and a wonder to behold. Honest:
Dates: August 2001-January 2002, Fall Freshman year
Most Memorable moment: She was sleeping in the next bed when 9/11 happened. She was the person I looked for during the bomb threat two days later. Needless to say it was a rough month.
(Their) Batshit insanity: One day things were cool, we used my fake ID to buy Tenley Vodka and have 422 Anderson parties. She watched me puke on unsuspecting plants/showers on numerous occasions. The next day, she informed me that she was moving out and I said, alrighty then.
In the end: I was friends with the girl she went abroad with. Apparently she and this girl, Rosie, were supposed to be roommates for Senior year and then Amber disappeared off the face of the earth. No address, calls made to her father’s house were not received because the number no longer worked. She dropped out of school apparently. I was like, whatever dude, I knew she was weird and forgot about it. At the beginning of last summer, I saw her on the AU shuttle and put sunglasses on and used my purse to cover my face. She was wearing a Ruby Tuesday’s uniform. Haven’t seen her since.
Dates: January 2002 – May 2002, Spring Freshman year
Most Memorable moment: The time she took out my braids and blow dried my hair (This is fucking huge. Seriously.) Visited her family in ATL over spring break. Went to visit her in Rome, where we fought on some random Italian bridge and she ripped my new Euro-chic coat.
(Their) Batshit insanity: Ok, this one was my fault. We were cool, I went to visit her and this girl Alexis that we were friends with over Spring Break sophomore year and we had a bit of a fight, that involved me being drunk and screaming obscenities on an Italian street corner and threatening to go home. I am a shameless whore. After that we were fine I suppose and were supposed to live together Senior Year but I decided that living alone would make me less homicidal.
In the end: Kenya and I are still buds and now that she’s in GA permanently I fucking miss her man. She was my movie going buddy. We would sneak into movies all afternoon. And SHE TOOK MY BRAIDS OUT. I will never have a friend like that again.
Name: Robyn (with a fucking ‘Y’ even though it was really Robin, with an ‘I’)
Dates: August 2002 – May 2003. Sophomore year. The entire fucking year.
Most Memorable moment: The time she called me an ice princess. Also the weekend that her boyfriend was going to come stay overnight (which she only informed me of 24 hours prior to his arrival), but instead her grandmother died, so her bf couldn’t stay over and I ended up hosting my bf* after a night of jazz and five martinis. Oh, to be young, stupid and in love again. Also, that little sniper incident.
(Their) Batshit insanity: Lordy, where to start. The all black ensemble? The time she cut off all her hair in our room, so that her hair was on the fucking floor? The Hedwig and the Angry Inch poster? Her over dramatic ways? The fact that she called me a princess? Or the rampant, loud sex?
In the end: I used to see her in the Quad and contemplate throwing shit (not actual shit, but things) at her. I am mean.
Dates: May 2003 – January 2004. Summer/Fall Semester, junior year.
Most Memorable moment: Our first meeting over a trip to IKEA. Everything since then. Things that I really can’t speak of in a public forum because the Feds/my coworkers read this shit.
(Their) Batshit insanity: Now, I can’t speak poorly of Kimber, because she’s Kimber and she means a lot to me. But I will speak of her poor choice in friends (not me of course) that lead me toward the homicidal route once again. She had (or still has) this whorish friend who I hate the fury of a thousand suns for a very good reason that I cannot speak of, but still, HATE. RAGE. HATE. Kimber and I had been friends way before this other girl came along and then Kimber started to ignore me and hung out with this other girl 24/7. I was jealous and hurt, which she knows about and has since apologized for. But if you knew what this other girl did, you’d want to kick her in the shins and crash her precious Benz into Tiffany’s.
In the end: She’s still my best friend and I’m still her ‘B’. And we both think that the Chef Geoff’s downtown deserves the finger.
Name: Teresa and Victor
Dates: January 15 – May 6 2005. Spring senior year.
Most Memorable moment: When I got food poisoning and didn’t let her take care of me. She called my program supervisor concerned. That time she paid $60 for a Brita (a luxury in Spain). She used to iron my underwear. (re-read that last sentence please)
(Their) Batshit insanity: Though she meant well, Teresa was overbearing and always up in my shit. She also thought that because I don’t eat pork, chicken or beef, then that means that I eat rabbit and lamb. Duh (the hell?!) She was just lonely and wanted to take care of someone since her children were adults and didn’t need her anymore. Woman could make a mean tortilla and paella.
In the end: Lord knows what she thinks of me now, since the last time I saw her I had thrown up all over her bathroom and then mumbled something to her in a drunken stupor, while she shoved me in a cab to the airport. Hope she’s doing well.
And the reason for this post in the first place, for he is leaving me at the end of the month to move to greener pastures known as Jersey…
Dates: September 2005 – August 2006.
Most Memorable moment: JK-JE 2004. The revolving door of girls were always a good time. Never could remember their names though.
(Their) Batshit insanity: Save for a minor incident with Pepco, he was a pleasure. He cleaned when needed and always got me into great clubs and bars. He was quiet and it’s so true about da boys; They hate the drama.
In the end: He’s like my brother: My older cooler, hotter brother who likes to get me drunk with expensive drinks. He is a player and I love him for it.
Ok fine, I’m not perfect, but I swear I’ll try with the next one; especially since I don’t have a grand to blow on a two bedroom condo. I’m guessing now wouldn’t be a good time to ask if there are any takers…
*Edit to Add: So, this morning around 2 AM, I hear Jam yelling something about how he can't handle this shit, then in the background, I hear some girl talking to him. I get up, to tell him to shut the hell up (but I would've been more polite. Maybe.) And when I open the door, what do I see? A tall, skinny, blonde (at least I think she was blonde) in nothing but her bra and panties.
I'm not sure if I was more disturbed by the lack of clothing (who the hell walks around someone elses apartment without clothes on??) or by the fact that this bitch was hotter than me? She was probably judging my hotness, or lack thereof. Or at least that's what I thought at 2 AM.