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Friday, June 16, 2006


"You can be sincere and still be stupid." ~Charles F. Kettering

Peg had bought me brown Coach boots, and since she rarely buys me anything without putting up a fight, I took it as a sweet gesture: A mother's love for her daughter despite her addiction to expensive leather. They resembled Tims on crack with the infamous logo all over them. I swear that they are the ugliest things known to man, but I wore them because they were from Coach.

I decided to wear the boots one night while babysitting. Three kids, 4 year old twin girls and a 2 year old boy.

Right before bedtime, the kids were watching television and so I went upstairs to use the little girl's room. I went into the bathroom and noticed that the door knob had been broken, which the parents had informed me of prior to leaving (Actually, the crazy mother mentioned it in an accusatory tone to the complacent father who scoffed and rolled his eyes. Love is such a beautiful thing.) So, instead of completely closing the door, I left it slightly ajar and went about my business.

While mid-stream, the little boy – Colin - came upstairs sniffling and crying while looking for me and I told him to wait two seconds until I was finished. And what pray tell do you think she-boy did when discovering his babysitter in the potty? He shut the door, with the broken knob, that promptly fell off into my hand.

My heart stopped. It seriously stopped fucking beating and once it started up again, I could hear it in my ears. I was locked in a bathroom, while three children, under the age of five were roaming about the house.

Shit out of luck.

What does a 17 year old do when locked in a stranger's bathroom? Do you kick down the door? Well, no, because these are strangers, who would probably like to come home to a bathroom door still attached in its rightful place. What did I do? I sat on the toilet with my head in my hands and felt the tears well up. I then stood up and tried to yell at the little boy to open the door: “Colin” bang, bang “See that handle? Turn it.”

Colin cries.

Little girls downstairs; Mesmerized by Barbie DVD.

Heather; prays for a bottle of Shiraz

I turned around and noticed the window and a synapse snapped, for that is the only thing that could have happened to result in a turn of events: Synapse or perhaps a lack of oxygen due to claustrophobia. At any rate, I turned and peered out the window. Noticing a large tree immediately below, but other than that a short drop, which could be well executed by propelling myself over the tree, because no parent wants to come home and find their babysitter in a tree.

After clearing all of the windowsill knick knacks from their dusty homes, I opened the window and said a quick prayer and climbed out. First one leg, then the other until I was holding on the ledge of the window, using every bit of upper body strength to keep myself holding on. I turned my head once more to look out past the tree and quite literally flung myself past the tree and landed with a thud on my feet, arms outstretched, tibia and fibula still intact. I swear on my life that those boots saved my precious size 11 feet.

When I jumped I ran over to where the girls were sitting and started banging on the glass door, but to no avail. I found out later that it was so dark out, that one couldn’t see anything outside from inside. I went over to the neighbor’s house and received the spare key and a look of pity. And when the parents arrived home two hours later, I was sitting in the living room reading up on homeopathic remedies (their book, not mine) and explained the situation that their crappy door knob fixing skills had produced. They laughed and apologized and gave me $5 extra dollars.

$5 dollars, for jumping out the window, though it was of my own volition, it was because of their doorknob.

I was reminded of this situation awhile back during a trip to CVS, when, while with a friend of mine, I saw the mother roaming around the beauty aisle. I was drunk, she said hello and I gave her the magic finger and gave her five dollars back. Though neither situation was none to brilliant, I still found it hilarious all the same.


Blogger Dagny said...

LOL. You gave her the five back?

11:44 AM  
Anonymous Whinger said...

OMG. Did you explain, or was she just left wondering?

12:37 PM  
Anonymous Melissa F. said...

HA! That makes me laugh :)

12:40 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

You know, I really don't remember if I said anything to her since I was drunk, but I don't think so.

12:47 PM  
Blogger jackt said...

I once had some friends come to visit, and we were all standing out front, and my friend's son went inside the house and slammed the door shut and locked himself in and all of us out! We had to figure out a way in and managed to climb through the kitchen window.

1:44 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

I wonder if climbing in is easier than jumping out

3:39 PM  
Anonymous lorie said...

that is awesome.

4:10 PM  
Anonymous Jacynth said...

Love this story. Straight out of a movie. Write more, please!

7:01 PM  
Blogger The Girl Who said...

I can't believe you are only 22. You are such a fantastic writer.

9:16 PM  
Blogger Lizzie said...

So the moral of the story is that Coach boots aren't just an expensive splurge but can save your life (or your feet), right?

3:03 AM  
Blogger mdvelazquez said...

I really tried not to LOL, but I couldn't help myself.


7:24 AM  

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