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Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Leave a message

“I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.” ~Fred Allen

Hi, you’ve reached HB.

Unfortunately I am unavailable right now as I am too busy reeling from the ineptitude of postal workers and Bank of America employees. But given that dealing with both is a necessary evil, that closely resembles the fifth circle of Hell, I am making every attempt to not call said employees gauche halfwits because (A) that would be terribly rude and (B) It would return a response of “what is a gauche halfwit?” Then my head may spontaneously combust. I would also like to take this time to mention that these are the exact same feelings I hold towards the Transportation Security Administration, but being annoyed with any entity and/or person that may be helping to thwart terrorism is looked down upon by Fox news and Rick Santorum, both of which I would like to keep monumentally happy.

In the event that this is an actual emergency, you can reach me at (202) USPS Can Kiss my Ass and await the standard message system that will not lead you to an operator but to a series of automated answers that will be wholly unhelpful and make you want to remove a part of your anatomy with a butter knife.

Have a great day.


*beep*

15 Comments:

Blogger Sharkbait said...

Hi Heather, this is Sharkie. Just calling to tell you that you crack me up.

Oh and that I hope you enjoy your new Kate Spade bag!

*beeeeep*

12:51 PM  
Anonymous isabel said...

I could never post this on my own blog...but my client at work right now is the USPS. And they are all idiots.

End of story.

(Hope to hear from you soon!)

1:15 PM  
Anonymous Whinger said...

Even more than I hate dealing with the incompetents is the voice-recognition hoops I must jump through now to get where I want to go. It's weird to have a conversation where every thirty seconds or so you just say, "Service," or "No."

1:22 PM  
Blogger Dagny said...

There must be something about people who deliver stuff. Last year I had similar feelings about FedEx.

Oh, and my Kate Spade bag arrived. Squeeee!

2:03 PM  
Blogger jackt said...

C) Your mail may get misrouted to Kazhakstan and D) your checking account may be "accidentally" be the victim of identity fraud.

2:43 PM  
Blogger Raincouver said...

That's a hillarious post! I would like to contribute to your blog. Here's a check for $1000. It's in the mail.

4:10 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Sharkie: The new KS is so wonderful. I'm in love.

Isabel: See? I knew it. They're all effing morons

Whinger: Thankfully there are no voice recognition hoops, save for the one on my cellphone, which might explain why I can never get the damn thing to get out of "driving mode".

Dagny: Your new bag is quite lovely.

Jackt: I fear the day that BofA finds out that I've been saying such awful things about them and my $335 mysteriously goes missing.

Raincouver: Lucky for you I could totally use $1000.

4:17 PM  
Anonymous Jorge said...

Hello?

Is this thing on?

We can help you with all of your moving needs.

Just call Boris...

9:49 PM  
Blogger ocg said...

HB, I'm sorry, but due to the ineptitude of the postal workers, that $1000 check in the mail will never reach you... hope you didn't need it too terribly bad.

12:43 AM  
Anonymous guile said...

can i use this?..

4:13 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Y'all are fuuuuuuny.

8:15 AM  
Blogger RoarSavage said...

Gauche, ROTFL.

But why on EARTH would you want to keep Santorum happy??? Haven't you been reading your Dan Savage?

8:56 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

I kid, I kid Roary.

8:57 AM  
Blogger MKD said...

Do you know what is the most fun ever? Waiting for your turn in line at the post office while trying to get your passport.

9:27 AM  
Blogger KassyK said...

Hey Heather, Its Kassy. Just wanted to say that AAAAAAAAAAH I hate Bank of America...and various other big businesses. Beep.

9:35 AM  

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