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Monday, July 24, 2006

The game

"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into than out of." ~Bruce Lansky

Peg and I like to play a game where I visit Albany or Martha’s Vineyard and in the mere hours that I am there, it is my player’s job to seek and her job to eventually retrieve. Whereas I seek out things that I want and/or am too cheap to purchase myself and she then spends weeks wondering where she put her new Burberry shirt.

During the most recent 72 hour jaunt to Albany, I sought after a Swiffer, a thing of Comet, Swiffer wet and dry cloths, nine dollars – which I used to purchase BK breakfast for myself and El Padre, latex gloves, a package of toilet paper, an orange adidas shirt, a button down shirt from BR, some hair product of some sort, her hooker shoes, and my personal favorite, a strand of pearls. My best showing yet I would say.

Her assessment of her bedroom when she returned home led to immediate retrieval via threat of the BR shirt. That shit was totally not worth the $309 check that she would have cashed. I wormed my way back into her good graces by sending her back the shirt and a can of Glory collard greens. Nothing says “Thanks for birthing me and allowing me to continuously mooch off of you”, like a two dollar can of greens. She figured out the adidas shirt when she called demanding its whereabouts and the whereabouts of her hooker shoes. “Covering up my boobies and my sweaty back and the shoes, those ugly shoes?? They’re for hookers!” The shoes are currently collecting dust underneath my desk at work.
I read about this once in the New York Times. That young recent college grads go on a rampage when they visit their parents. They know no bounds and feel that if it’s in their parent’s possession then it is communal property. To be honest, I’ve only recently began saying things like “My mother’s house in Albany”. And even then it is as if someone else is saying those words for me; though I did learn very early on that my mother’s money is not my money and that maybe I should make my own or risk being homeless. Or maybe make my own and buy my own damn cleaning supplies instead of pilfering off of the hardworking. In my defense G had just taken all of the dishes so I am at least entitled to a fucking swiffer.

Remember this now because at some point she will realize that she’s missing a strand of pearls. When this time comes, think of me fondly as I’m sure that the punishment will be swift and severe: Possibly death by evil Peg stare that can easily turn the warm blooded ice cold. Either way I am quite sure it will not be remedied by the simple act of a can of collards. I might even have to man up to the $12 Whole Foods variety, she’ll be that pissed.

13 Comments:

Anonymous sandra said...

I like to think that moms enjoy contributing to the closets of their children...

1:04 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

My mother enjoys buying me things, but finds it fairly annoying that she has stuff missing when she goes away for a weekend. I think I'd be miffed as well if I returned home to my dishes, workout shirt and pears being stolen.

BTW, she was totally going to give me those pearls anyway.

9:12 AM  
Blogger Dagny said...

I thought that going to mom's house is supposed to be like a visit to the corner market. I have learned to say, "That looks really cool," instead of just taking stuff. That way I have given her the opportunity to offer the item to me.

9:44 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

That's what is usually done, but in this instance she was away so I couldn't ask. But Peg is one of those people who if you mention something to her one day, you'll have it as a birthday present. She's awesome.

9:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I used to go home for the summers in college, it would work the opposite way. My mom would lovingly do my laundry, and steal things she liked. A year later, I'd come home for Thanksgiving and see her wearing my Adidas fleece pants and be all "I thought I lost those!"

10:21 AM  
Blogger Pink Lemonade Diva said...

be grateful you don't have sisters to compete with!

10:29 AM  
Anonymous Whinger said...

True story: Am 30 and feel that I am incapable of buying my own pain medication. Will fully stock up at my mother's house in another state when I visit annually.

Sometimes it just feels better when it comes from Mom's house.

10:56 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Anon: She once stole a shirt from my closet and a pair of jeans. What sucks is that they fit her far better than they fit me. Grrrr.

PLD: Oh, for sure. But I do have a brother who will try to take the bottle of wine i had been eyeing.

Whinger: I figure if mom has it then it must be good.

11:39 AM  
Anonymous Neil said...

Are the Whole Foods collards really any better?

4:18 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Does Peg have any 3-inch navy strappy sandals? I've been looking for a pair for five months.

4:42 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Neil: EVERYTHING at Whole Foods is better...

(but between you and me, probably not)

Liz: What size are you? She seems to have everything.

4:46 PM  
Blogger Lena said...

Hey - what's mine is mine and what's their's is mine. As it fucking should be! If I show up just to pet MY cat and grab a banana, so? Huh?

6:28 PM  
Anonymous Maliavale said...

I just put $21 worth of Brita filters on my parents' credit card, under the guise of getting groceries for them as I watch their house. I am now wracked with guilt.

9:31 PM  

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