“If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time.” ~Author Unknown
It had to have been eighth grade when things began to fall apart. Actually I distinctly remember Freshman year of high school, being told to read the novel of the same name, getting 10 pages into it and casting it aside. I’d rather fail than be bored to death. But only now have I realized that’s just how bored I was.
I had been a stellar student, I suppose. But then the advent of my new “fuck you, motherfucker” attitude at the end of my middle school years, also put an end to my stellar work ethic. Now it was “fuck you, fat ass” to my social studies teacher, and my God, I wish I were only kidding about that.
Through ninth grade, I found myself in an Honors Social studies and English hybrid course. During which I actually failed a quarter semester. Not because of some tragic family accident or Mono – The Excuse of all Excuses – but because I was lazy. Plain and simple. I didn’t feel like doing the work, I thought it was pointless, everything was trite, banal bullshit and so I did nothing. At the end of the school year, when it came time for recommendations for courses to take the next year, my Social Studies teacher, who had previously once failed me and reprimanded me, recommended me for an AP European History course which he would be teaching. To this day I remember the disclaimer “If Heather applies herself and works to her full potential then she will do very well in this class”.
Well, Heather applied herself and worked to a full potential of something over lame half assed work, and got a four on the AP test. I then went onto complete 28 college credits prior to the start of my Freshman year of University and received a four on every AP test. This isn’t to gloat, not in the least, because shit that happens in High School has absolutely no bearing on what happens today. Or at least it shouldn’t.
The thing is that I’m good at a lot of things, I guess. But holy hell, if doing those things well, requires work and effort, then I’m royally fucked, because giving my 110% to anything makes my head spin. Knowing that I’m good at something does nothing for me and really I could care less, because I know I won’t apply myself. That’s hard to admit but the honest to God truth that sometimes, I just don’t care. Because I don’t care, I’d rather do it at a bare minimum…no one will notice. Yet people always notice and then I just shrug.
When these things – the truths – rear their ugly little heads or give me a sucker punch to the gut, I’m finding it easier to go with it and do better, rather than run away. My half ass nature: at times putting things off until the last possible second until I’m pulling out my hair and grinding my teeth do not exactly help things. Now I’m stuck in this “what to do now” type place; a purgatory of sorts, whereby I can actually change these things and do well or I can be distracted by bright shiny things. For now, I shall sit on my ass and contemplate and roll my eyes at my ridiculous nature. If only I could do better. You know?