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Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Seeing red but technically green

“If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out.” ~Paul Gallico

I went golfing. Like in the heat, with the sweat and slippery hands because I forgot my glove and now I have twin blisters. And without a calm demeanor to focus on a short game – Oh no, this was I’m going to hit the shit out of this motherfucking ball. That’s how ornery I am feeling.

My apartment looks like 15 people live there. Thwack.

One of whom happens to be very pretty and every damn person I’ve ever met in my entire live is telling me so. Thwack.

I have to get ready for the thing with the people and I’m nervous. Thwack.

I have to read like 47 galleys for Elle. And yet I’m only on page 15 of Pride and Prejudice, which I started in roughly 1985. Thwack.

I have a penchant for hyperbole. Thwack.
I’ve managed to lose all of my posts that had been written in word.
The man in the stall next to me is talking loudly about his disgusting golf shoes.
I’ve lost a friend (which is more complicated than I would like to get into).
My mother keeps starting conversations with how fantastic
Martha’s Vineyard is.
I have a headache.
Some asshole almost rear ended me.
I’m pretty much convinced everyone on the planet hates me – which would imply that I mattered to everyone on the planet.
And oh my holy hell, it’s hot.

Thwack. Thwack. Thwack.

I read that men golf not for the enjoyment but because it’s an easy way to get away from their wives and responsibilities for a few hours. Women golf, because smacking the hell out of a golf ball won’t leave them in an orange jumpsuit and/or some heinous denim outfit while manufacturing license plates.


Anonymous Jorge said...

I don't hate you.
In fact, i feel quite the opposite.

And remember that you will always matter to more people than you will ever know.

10:23 AM  
Blogger Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

Oh I heart the thwacking. I need some good thwacking in my life. Screw the heat people! Thwack balls!

Heh. Dirty.

11:31 AM  
Blogger Kris said...

You are gonna get a thwackdown if you don't stop about Blogher. You are SO going to be a hit.

And we are SO doing mud masks.

T minus one week. HAWT!!!

12:39 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Can't a girl just relish in her social anxieties?? That's all I want.

Now, could someone please tell me if it's OK to pack wine in a flask?

12:46 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

I'm impressed that you golf. I don't even mini-golf.

Yes, you can pack wine in a flask! But be sure to use a straw when you drink it.

7:18 PM  
Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Keep thwacking, girl. I think golf is too frustraiting a game to ease my stress. I think smacking in a windshield with a golf club would do the trick.

9:39 PM  
Blogger Dagny said...

Hmmm. I may have to take up golf. And I think it's perfectly OK to put wine in a flask.

9:17 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Two questions:

1) Will TSA say anything to me for bringing said wine in a flask?

2) How much jail time should I expect for beating some motherfucker's window in with my (precious, but pain in the ass) four iron?

9:19 AM  
Blogger Bone said...

Don't hold me to it, but I believe vandalism with a 4 iron is a class one misdemeanor.

You'll probably only pay a small fine :)

Happy hacking.

9:52 AM  
Blogger Pink Lemonade Diva said...

Elle the magazine? Did I miss something?

By the way - keep hydrated!

1:36 PM  

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