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Thursday, August 10, 2006

Blogiversaries: like birthdays without the presents or money

OR: A year ago today I lost my mother fucking mind.

“If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad.” ~Lord Byron

Last week I received an email (or maybe a comment.) from someone claimed to be “addicted to [my] blog”. Which made me tempted to change the tagline to No Pasa Nada: Just like crack or something equally as unfunny. I can see where the addiction might come from; all of those times I discuss random shopping excursions, having sex on an ibook, a dependence on McDonald’s, why Meredith Gray is an evil whore and MC Hammer – yup, addictive indeed. I can picture this woman sitting alone and looking forlorn, tears streaming down her face as she stares at the monitor, saying between sobs “I wish I knew how to quit you HB”. No Pasa Nada: Like your favorite gay cowboy.

There’s really nothing funny about graduating from College. There’s also nothing remotely amusing about having $5.45 in your savings account or contemplating writing erotic literature for money because you have a “flare for the written word and an active imagination.” (someone actually said that to me. Seriously) So terribly unfunny but sadly one of those things that one must go through. It’s inevitable, right up there with death and taxes, so is being forced to pay your own rent. Of the very few things that I enjoy about myself, I can say that I enjoy my ability to see reality for what it is and to (sometimes) rationalize the absurdity of things right now. It’s so fucking trite. Everything right now is trite bullshit that will get better in a few years. It won’t ALWAYS be like this. But then again I also have a flare for hyperbole and am convinced that when things are fucked in my little world that that is how it will be and I should probably toss myself off a balcony. The point is to make the very unfunny, into something close to mildly amusing, because everyone goes through this period of life and while it sucks, it’s nice to know that I am not the only one.

My dramatic outbursts and my amplified statements as to why things are going to Hell in a hand basket are precisely the reasons for why my parents sent me 400 miles away: Because they could not deal with the talking and the drama and the endless hypothetical situations based solely on irrational thought. Thus the reason for why when I say thank you to you all and want to hug and maybe lick you, I really truly mean it. Despite the endless prosaic rants and the fact that I use the word ‘fuck’ no less than four times when speaking of small children, means that you all are either hardcore sadomasochists (Good for you!) or you have been here before. Here in this place that I affectionately call purgatory when one is always dangling precariously awaiting the next bad thing to happen: The ‘bad thing’ which always ends up being that ‘stupid thing that happened and I really can’t remember why I was crying and threw a wine glass on the floor’. It’s times like that when I realize that this is just how it is until one turns 25.

(And please don’t use this moment to tell me that things do not get better because then I’ll kick you.)

(Oh and thanks for helping me work through my propensity for violence)

I could say that I do this because it’s cheaper than therapy (and closer) and that I just love the internet with every fiber of my being. Though the story is that I am an eternal narcissist and read an article about Stephanie Klein and it snowballed from there: Into emails to random pregnant women about babysitting their unborn child and slight indiscretions against my leasing office and a 72 hour jaunt to California. What I’m saying is that it’s been fun and sadly for all of you I have no intention of quitting at anytime in the near future.

So if you all continue to wait with baited breath about my awful life of visits to Martha’s Vineyard and new Kate Spade bags, then I will keep writing about them. Just don’t blame me when you tire of this crap and want to stick a sporksteak knife in your eye, for you’ve been properly warned.


Blogger Pink Lemonade Diva said...

congrats Heather! You have a sassy personality that comes through in your writing, which is the reason I come here at least. Keep it up!

10:53 AM  
Anonymous Jen said...

Happy Blogiversary!

And also, if you are anything like me, I can promise you that it all does turn around during the 25th year, and at 26 I am *there*.


10:57 AM  
Anonymous Sweet said...

Way to go chicadee.

12:28 PM  
Anonymous sandra said...

Honestly, 25 was one of my favorite years yet. It was the first year I didn't have to choose between eating in a nutritionally sound way or having money for drinks (well, there's not really a decision to be made there...but you know what I mean), and also a year where I grew up a lot.

In the meantime, please keep talking about violence, Kate Spade bags and random other things. It's much cheaper for me to come here than smoke crack.

12:37 PM  
Anonymous carmen said...

I'll never tire of you, HB. Never, ever.

2:13 PM  
Blogger treespotter said...

frankly, it sounds like you're addicted to something.

2:37 PM  
Anonymous Angela said...

Okay, so it all gets better at 25, so that means I only have... a year and a half left in hell. Awesome.

Well, cheers. Here's to another year, HeatherB!

2:59 PM  
Blogger Mocha said...

What? Are you kidding me? I have a whole years worth of stuff to go through? Daaaannngggg.

Fine. I'll do it. You do mine. My blogiversary is just around the corner.

Congrats to you, Zygote. Look how far you've come! ;-)

5:15 PM  
Blogger Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

Heather, sporks go up the nose! Duh!

Happy blog birthday, now hurry up and go get me a birthday present...because that is the kind of shit that actually counts.

5:25 PM  
Blogger Adeline said...

You can always do what I did, join Peace Corps. It wasn't necessarily more fun, but it was better than working at a maddening job that never approached the skills I actually had.

It is good that you realize that the post college experience is "just that way". Many people take it personally like the world is conspiring against them.

I had parents that were no way no how gonna give me money so I had to deal.

I remember when buying a hamburger at the pub across the way was like the treat of the month. Sad sad sad. Peace Corps. Their slogan should say "You could do worse," Or, "What else are you doing, anyway?"
haha, I am making myself laugh.

I read you because I am a Heather B too. I guess that's a reason?

1:51 AM  
Blogger Kris said...

If you ever think of leaving me it's your Coach bags that will get the spork.

Congrats on making it through the first of many.

9:07 AM  
Anonymous jonniker said...

You are just plain darling. Honestly. And I can tell you with some authority that it does just get better and better: It really does.

I'm excited for you that you're getting to experience all of this angst that come with the early 20s. It's a major challenge, yes, but when you look back on it, I think you'll find it was one of the most interesting and exciting times of your life, uncertainty, poverty and torture included.

It's all ahead of you. And I'm glad we get to take the ride with you.

9:31 AM  
Blogger Dagny said...

It does get better. And I'm not just saying that because I am afraid you'll kick me.

10:45 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Y'all are awesome.

I also forgot to mention that I'm using this really prolific post to take a brief hiatus. Like until Monday.

And if you're really curious, I'll be doing such exciting things as getting my carpet cleaned, watching Project Runway, getting over a hangover and doing some writing projects.

I live an exciting life. I know.

10:49 AM  
Blogger Bone said...

Happy bloggiversary.

Good summary. And love the quotes. They help set your blog apart. Along with the rampant use of the f-word :)

12:06 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Happy happy.

About the spork: the tiny, inadequate tines wouldn't sink very far into the eyeball. May I suggest a dinner fork? Or a steak knife?

3:56 PM  
Anonymous Neil said...

happy blogversity!

2:05 PM  

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