“A man may be a pessimistic determinist before lunch and an optimistic believer in the will's freedom after it.” ~Aldous Huxley
I once had a blow out – a diaper blow out that is – in the middle of the frozen food section of Edwards in
Apparently at some point over the past 21 years, I found Jesus and purchasing my $9 blueberries from Whole Foods is the highlight of my weekend. Do not disturb me while grocery shopping. I talk about how glorious the frozen foods are at Trader Joe’s “My, greek pizza or frozen pad thai? I cannot decide. I’ll get both” I get into a grocery store and suddenly I have a need for capers and 100 calorie oreo packs. Never mind that I eat capers if Michael Richards himself will be putting them on my braised salmon. I abhor oreos, but only find 100 calorie packs nifty. People! I go to three different grocery stores every weekend, mostly because I’m terrified of what the cantaloupe at safeway has on it, but trader joe’s doesn’t have fresh cantaloupe, but they do have cheap frozen Alaskan salmon, and whole foods does have cantaloupe but $20 salmon. Do you see the problem?
I’ve had many a conversation with family members as to why I must go to Whole Foods. Despite the fact that I grew up on Cheetos and chicken wings from Price Chopper and have apparently made it through the past 22 years unscathed. But no, now? Now, I need my organic watermelon and tomatoes that are nice, red and plump and won’t give me scabies.
So imagine the surprise of Mah and LB when I announced that I had never been to Costco. I, the grocery store lover of all grocery store lovers had never been to Costco. We don’t have them in upstate NY. We have BJs and Sam’s Club, but no Costco nor do I have a membership*. At the suggestion and evite of Mah, I went to
Kid in a candy store would be the most apt adumbration** for such a thing. I was wide eyed and cruising around that place as if Jesus Christ himself were to emerge from the 3lb box of Healthy Harvest Pasta: Because that would have to happen at a place that sells a case of Yeungling for only 15 dollars. I had to start deciding between a 42 pack of toilet paper (I use it daily, so it might be useful) or a giant wheel of brie (bake it for me and spread it on a cracker and I’ll fall deeply in love). I decided against both and bought a giant sized bottle of cabernet sauvignon –
In a word: beautiful. And yet I was sad. Not because I spent an excessive amount on 13 flavors of qaker oatmeal or because I didn’t get the giant wheel of brie, but because I began projecting. What if I end up with a child who was like me? Tantrums and massive poops while I try to enjoy my shopping experience? What if I have to start going with a list because little HB Jr. throws hs or herself in a fit of rage on the gorgeous orange display? I cannot fathom the thought.
And yet another reason to never have children: They will no doubt ruin my grocery shopping experience and I just couldn’t handle that.
*Feel free to take me with you of course if you have one.
**That's what studying for the GREs gets you...remember that kids.