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Tuesday, August 01, 2006

This little piggy

"Some days are like that. Even in Australia."- Judith Viorst

There is a bruise and a piece of skin scraped off of one of the piggies. The piggy that went to the market if you really must know. That piggy didn't throw a fit and spark a revolution in the name of mutiny, but instead is attached to an owner who ran into a suitcase left in the middle of the foyer. Which as we all know, is the proper place to keep a suitcase. So off the little piggy went, limping along to a room that resembled the aftermath of Hiroshima.

So, the little piggy did the best it could to tear it's owner away from the scene. In the process it's owner felt strong and powerful enough - maybe due to psychosis brought on by exhaustion and stupid people - to remove a large bed through a tiny doorway. Though it's owner tried with all her might to leave both door, bed and little piggy unscathed; the little piggy - the one that only wanted to go to the market - was once again hit by a flying metal object. It's owner's cheap ass bed frame then cracked to shit.

And while the little piggy surveyed it's new surroundings; its owner whimpered and cried and cursed the Swedes for making stupid cheap ass furniture. For the piggy's owner had been sucked into the trap of a furniture mecca where beds still left money for plenty of wine. As the piggy's owner swore, he - the little piggy - looked around and couldn't help but notice how it's new home held a striking resemblence to an 8 x 10 cell at Attica.

There was little sleep for the weary and the next day the little piggy dragged it's fitfull owner to her responsibilities. Where finally, she consumed several miniture brownies in her consentrated effort to make both herself and the little piggy feel better. But it is a well known fact that the little piggies would much prefer Shiraz to 12 brownies and so the owner did as the little piggy wished. And this little piggy, who went to the market is now an inebriated little piggy with a lovely little bruise.

The end.


Blogger The Ape said...

Hey there, I just wanted to say hi! I ran across your blog from the BlogHer website and since I graduated from college in May, I identified with the hell/fun that is post graduation living. Unfortunatly I couldn't go to BlogHer Con but I guess it's never to early to look forward to next year! You have a great writing style and I hope it won't weird you out if I comment on your blog once in awhile. Feel free to visit me at my blog (which I'm just starting, though i've been a LJer for ahwile). Happy posting to you!

~The Ape

12:35 AM  
Blogger LaLa said...

Brilliant. I love a bit of pissed posting (pissed as in inebriated)

7:48 AM  
Anonymous carmen said...

oh, your poor poor piggie!

I'm, cracking up at the furniture mecca.

8:29 AM  
Blogger Dagny said...

At least the piggy finally got some Shiraz but will it have a pounding headache in the morning? Oh, and I've heard bad things about beds from a certain store.

8:44 AM  
Blogger TinaPoPo said...

Oooh, I have/had that bed. It broke once during sex. REGULAR SEX.

My elbow still hurts from the fall.

I'm sharing too much, aren't I?

Fucking IKEA.

9:25 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

The Ape: Comments make my day. Do not be afraid to comment. And thank you for the compliments.

LaLa: Now would be a great time to mention that I wasn't all that drunk when I posted. But of course brilliant none the less..ha!

Carmen: Seriously, it hurts. And my room looks like a shithole. Life is good. Can I go back to San Jose now?

Dagny: At least someone warned you about those beds. I was too busy thinking bright shiny awesome things to notice.

TinaPoPo: I wish I had broken it during sex. I think that would have made a better story. And sharing is good, so no worries.

9:41 AM  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

When I saw that first picture, I knew Ikea was to blame. I have a different Swedish made bed that also employs those lovely slats. We thought it would be great... great for getting up a narrow rowhouse staircase because it didn't need a boxspring, that is. NOT so great for leaving in your shithouse college basement until graduation, where it will get wet and moldy and worst of all WARPED and will be even harder to put together than regular Ikea furniture.

And yet, I'm still sleeping on it, three years later. It was just such a good deal, I can't let it go.

1:13 PM  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

(I meant the second picture)

1:14 PM  
Blogger Dagny said...

I have to thank Gloria for that warning. Apparently she has had friends who have not fared well with beds from that place.

5:14 AM  
Anonymous Gabby said...

I am addicted to your blog. Found you via Amalah.
Great Little piggy story. You had me cracking up.
Once again, I enjoy your blog.

1:43 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Is it weird that I just re-read this entry and started cracking up??!?

Like someone just asked me why I was laughing and it's because I apparently find myself to be f*cking hilarious.

I am also quite weird. But thank you for the compliments. Compliments are fun.

1:51 PM  
Anonymous Buffy said...

At least you have a piggy. I just have a stump.

6:24 AM  

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