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Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Tsetse Fly

*Warning: contains lots of 'fucks'*

"You know another class I took at Harvard? Business Ethics. I don't steal other people's mother fucking clients, but in your case I'm going to make an exception. I'm going to take everyone; your B-level sitcom stars, your reality-TV writers, when I'm done with you, you're gonna be repping sideshow freaks. You need Jo-Jo the Dog-Face-Bitch-Boy? Call Josh Weinfuck, the lightweight pen-stealing fuckface." – Ari Gold

An open letter to Ari, Vince, Drama and Turtle:

I had to return you boys and Ari back last week. I didn't have to, but I know that there is more out there. But it wasn't without trepidation and a little sadness. For there is something that you do to me Ari …hell, something that Vinny Chase and Drama do to me that make my heart flutter and want to take y'all on some extravagant meal to Koi. We could be friends, I seriously do believe. I would laugh and bat my pretty eyelashes at Vince. Drama and I would play 18 holes and I would be gracious and let him win the front nine. Because I am nice like that. Ari could make stupid jokes about being calling him Helen Keller because he is a miracle worker and I would laugh maniaclly – as I already do – and repeat everything he said. Our first introduction would be a hug and a whisper of "tsetse fly" in his ear. We'd laugh at my Exodus reference and I would lament on how awful Terrence is. And that Melinda Clark! what a bitch. Then dear sweet Turtle: I'd be sure to bring him some lox and a little corn beef on rye…maybe an 8th if I feel so inclined. Because that is what nice people do.

You boys, oh you boys. You all bring me up when I'm down and are always there for me, except for now of course, but only because I'm too stubborn to let you in. I can't yet know that Aquaman does well and that Ari starts his own agency or that Sloan and Eric have a threesome. No. Not quite yet.
For now, I will sit and dream of a visit to the Ivy with my boys while Arnold sits and stares longingly and I'll feed him table scraps and tell him what a good little Rottweiler he is. And for what it'sworth, Vince, darling, Mandy was so not worth it. And Ari, loveable crass Ari, though you are wholly un-PC, every time I heard you say "Listen, Lloyd, I want you to put all my files, folders, binders, *everything* into a box! If you find a used condom, an executioner's mask, and a fucking spike paddle, don't think, just pack that bitch! Chop suey!" I fell in love with you just a little more.

Y'all rock my fucking world and don't you forget it.

Love,
HB

11 Comments:

Anonymous Sweet said...

If you ever want to come over Sunday night to watch the current say the word girl. It's better than ever!

9:36 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

OMG, I cannot. That would ruin it. I need to just remember The Abyss and how the boys left James Cameron's office together and that Ari was up a shit creek without a paddle. It really needs to come out on DVD soon, I'm freaking obsessed.

9:39 AM  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

So I guess I really do need to put Entourage on my Netflix queue. I was kind of hoping everyone was just lying about how good it was, because I am still trying to work through all the old seasons of Nip/Tuck, and to be honest, I'm getting a little stressed out about all the TV that I need to watch.

9:48 AM  
Blogger Dagny said...

LOL. I have been meaning to add the boys to my Netflix list.

11:13 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Everytime I read that quote at the top, I laugh my ass off. Just remembering that scene.

I love Ari Gold. LOVE.

11:27 AM  
Anonymous jonniker said...

The second I read the title, I promptly died.

Sundays, how I love you! First Big Brother, then Ari.

Oh Ari.

4:00 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Someone said tsetse fly the other day and I went back and wrote an entire post out of that one phrase.

4:12 PM  
Blogger Mocha said...

I can't believe it *ahem (let me start again)
I can't fucking believe it! The first time I catch an episode of Entourage and then I read this and actually know what/who you're talking about! Caught my first glimpse of the wonderful Ari just last night. How about that, little Zygote? ;-)

I'm so glad you remembered me and that thing that fell out of my mouth. Good Lord, can I never shut up?

8:55 PM  
Blogger Kris said...

Honestly, I think you trying to steal my Ari might end our friendship. Seriously.

8:04 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Mocha: You're so pretty that of course I would remember. I wear my zygote status proudly.

Kris: Fine, you can have Ari, but I'm taking Vinny Chase.

9:08 AM  
Blogger Isabel said...

What, no mention of E? I think he is the hottest one. (Did you know he's dating a Hilton in real life? I hate that.)

But I do admit that I want to be Mrs. Ari, but you knew that already.

Love the post.

11:19 AM  

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