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Thursday, September 21, 2006

Fall girl

"Fall says so many things – all of them whimsically, nonchalantly and punctuated by things caught up in sudden, skirt-lifting breezes." – Heather Hunter

I find it most difficult to write lists. I have grandeur dreams of what I will do with my list ('oh the things I shall accomplish') and then it ends up jettisoned at the bottom of my bag, crumpled up and forgotten. I started a list of the things I wanted to say but couldn't. At first it was dragging and there really was nothing there, then it gained a mind of its own and really, y'all haven't seen acerbic speech, until you've seen this list.

When I read through it I realized that these are my perceptions of people. It was a list of how these 14 (!) individuals make me feel. Really, it's a list of how I react to others. People can't help being socially awkward and inept or vengeful sluts who need to move the fuck on and get over themselves already. Some people are born to be self serving idiots, while others are born to be truly wonderful people who I can't imagine not having around.

All of that was on 'The list.' Because I cannot bear to tell anyone to their face how much I dislike them nor can I tell anyone how terrified I am of losing them. It's just all about my feelings towards people and whether or not I allow their actions to affect me. It's very unlike me I would say, to try and gear my feelings toward changing my behavior and to not become overwhelmed by my neurotic tendencies and realize that it's other people, not me.

It's my favorite time of the year. I have so fucking much to look forward to over the next few weeks that it makes me explode with excitement. Do I really have the time to become caught up in someone else's bullshit? Do I really need to become consumed with the insensitive and thoughtless decisions of others?

I'm training myself to let things go. Do less comparing. If I really have something to say, I usually say it, but there's no point in pointing out deep flaws that cannot be changed without years of excellent health insurance for psychotherapy and Xanax. But then again, I am human and I do have feelings and thoughts and cares, so we shall see. Maybe I'll just try saying the – few and far between – good things on my list. I just need to not worry so much about others, because I am the eternal narcissist and it's always about me. Besides it's fall. Fall means new clothes and perfect evenings with coffee, my kick ass fireplace and the people that really matter. Fall - and I'm particuarly confident in this one - makes everything better.

13 Comments:

Anonymous Neil said...

You wouldn't be human if you didn't have feelings about other people, both bad and good. It only becomes a problem if you let it stop being YOU.

Fall is my favorite season too! Too bad I'm stuck in Los Angeles. Have the leaves started changing yet?

8:56 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

neil: you mean I'm not an android? Because some people like to treat me as such. Moving on.

Exactly my point.

It's cool here. Finally. I got to wear cords. I'm in heaven.

8:42 AM  
Blogger brookem said...

I L-O-V-E fall. Literally, everything about it. The crisp air, the leaves, applepicking, the smells, Thanksgiving, sweaters, hay rides, etc.
I agree with you- Fall does make everything better.

"I'm training myself to let things go. Do less comparing."
--welcome to the club! I'm trying to do the same thing. Something I'm also working on is not being so attached to the outcome. Living more in the moment.

Have a good one!
ps- I am wearing cords today and am so wicked freakin happy about it.

9:05 AM  
Blogger treespotter said...

the things you feel makes for what you are, no?

i've fetish for lists, too. i luv them with a passion.

but then again, we don't have different seasons here. ah so boring.

10:12 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

brookem: Fall is the greatest. I can't stop telling people how wonderful it all is. And since I love it so much, I should marry it.

Anyway! I'm actually doing pretty terribly with the whole not comparing myself to others bit. But hopefully I'll learn.

treespotter: yes, the things that I feel have made me what I am, which is pretty much a generally shitty person with a penchant for becoming irritated very, very easily.

I am a barrel of fun right now.

12:09 PM  
Anonymous MappyB said...

If you need someone to go out for drinks with and talk to - just let me know!

This is my favorite season too, not only is it my birthday, but the leaves change, the air becomes tolerable, and all sorts of comfy autumn harvest candle smells are for sale! :) Makes me miss home though, where fall is a litte more pronounced.

12:14 PM  
Blogger brookem said...

heather, i know it's hard to not compare yourself to others. wish i had some really helpful advice but i find it pretty tough at times too! hang in there...

we might need to draw for who gets to marry mr. autumn, because i'm in love too...

12:27 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

mappyb: thank you for the offer, but if I keep harping I'm going to give myself a headache and then some. I just need to stop and let it all go.

brookem: I'm tempted to say "Mr. Autumn is mine beeyotch!" but that seems a little overdone, no?

It's just what I do, I keep going and obsessing with things until I run myself ragged, with the comparing and woe and drama etc. It's annoying. Not only to me, but to my friends as well.

2:06 PM  
Blogger brookem said...

I know what you mean- I used to do more of it, but more recently have decided to just try and use more of that nasty energy I put into the comparing and all that craziness, to thinking more positively and doing more things that make me feel good about myself. I sound like a freakin self-help book.

Ha-I guess we could share Mr. Autumn, since he's not only just in Boston. He gets around, so I guess we should take advantage of that.

2:24 PM  
Blogger Lux Lisbon said...

i have always been a summer girl myself (i know im soo original) but this year i am actually feeling excited for fall. maybe i'm turning over a new leaf (har har har)
that was so fucking lame.

3:41 PM  
Anonymous LisaBinDaCity said...

I love, love, love, (did I mention I LOVE?) Fall!

It's so great to see everyone with a bounce in their step - including da Pup. Very cute!

Did you Ahem ;-)

5:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Am I on either list?

Wait, don't answer that. I don't wanna know.

11:04 PM  
Blogger Bone said...

That was me. I hear it's the cool thing lately to leave an anonymous comment, followed by another :)

11:05 PM  

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