I find it most difficult to write lists. I have grandeur dreams of what I will do with my list ('oh the things I shall accomplish') and then it ends up jettisoned at the bottom of my bag, crumpled up and forgotten. I started a list of the things I wanted to say but couldn't. At first it was dragging and there really was nothing there, then it gained a mind of its own and really, y'all haven't seen acerbic speech, until you've seen this list.
When I read through it I realized that these are my perceptions of people. It was a list of how these 14 (!) individuals make me feel. Really, it's a list of how I react to others. People can't help being socially awkward and inept or vengeful sluts who need to move the fuck on and get over themselves already. Some people are born to be self serving idiots, while others are born to be truly wonderful people who I can't imagine not having around.
All of that was on 'The list.' Because I cannot bear to tell anyone to their face how much I dislike them nor can I tell anyone how terrified I am of losing them. It's just all about my feelings towards people and whether or not I allow their actions to affect me. It's very unlike me I would say, to try and gear my feelings toward changing my behavior and to not become overwhelmed by my neurotic tendencies and realize that it's other people, not me.
It's my favorite time of the year. I have so fucking much to look forward to over the next few weeks that it makes me explode with excitement. Do I really have the time to become caught up in someone else's bullshit? Do I really need to become consumed with the insensitive and thoughtless decisions of others?
I'm training myself to let things go. Do less comparing. If I really have something to say, I usually say it, but there's no point in pointing out deep flaws that cannot be changed without years of excellent health insurance for psychotherapy and Xanax. But then again, I am human and I do have feelings and thoughts and cares, so we shall see. Maybe I'll just try saying the – few and far between – good things on my list. I just need to not worry so much about others, because I am the eternal narcissist and it's always about me. Besides it's fall. Fall means new clothes and perfect evenings with coffee, my kick ass fireplace and the people that really matter. Fall - and I'm particuarly confident in this one - makes everything better.