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Monday, September 11, 2006

Starting over

“The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy.” ~Jim Rohn

It’s lame. I know – Starting Over the show that is. It’s a train wreck though and you can’t help but watch. There have been many a day off where upon capitalizing on my complete indolence, I have found it much too difficult to change the channel between ‘Ellen’ and ‘Days of Our Lives’. So on it comes and I am enthralled.

But no matter, today is the day to do as such; because I’m not the sentimental type nor am I emotional. In fact I have no feelings and my heart is an ice cold black mass, but maybe I should try. Maybe I should start over with someone and this time act as if I know nothing. A tabula rasa that I wish I had had before. Though this time will be better – I will be better - and I will care and be OK and less neurotic and more supportive. I won’t project or worry about something that was never really there and I will exclaim “you’re my favorite” more often and really mean it. I’ll do what I can and open up and be more honest. I’ll tell the truth from the beginning, give what I can and take their words and thoughts without trepidation.

'Pervicacious' is my new favorite word. We know how I feel about words and this is right up there with ‘vitriolic’ on my list. The former describes me to a ‘T’: Too set in my ways and stubborn. I wish I could just let things go and not have a response to everything. Some things just need to be rhetorical and I need to shut the fuck up to put it mildly. I also need to stop being so god damn selfish; and well…at least I’m willing to try. In doing so, I will give my all and hope for the best but not automatically expect the worst. Because inevitably I’ll be OK. We’ll be OK.

Speaking of starting over, Michael Dell and I just had a terrible break up after his machine purged everything from my hard drive including over a year’s worth of writing and fodder. So now I’m cheating on him with Steve Jobs. I’ve said it before; Steve just does it for me whereas Michael makes me want to pour boiling water over my head to forget the pain of losing dozens of documents. Oh Steve, I just gotta let you know that I gotta crush on you.


Anonymous natalie said...

as my little sister would say, this "made my heart chuckle with delight."


11:21 PM  
Anonymous Jacynth said...

Judging from this post, you will be OK, in all aspects of the word. Here's another word for you, "ferschnickle". Define it however you want, I'm giving it to you!

12:49 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

I've never been able to get through more than two minutes of Starting Over. I'm still not sure what it's about, but guessing that the title is pretty self-explanatory...

7:59 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

natalie: you are so very welcome. That's what I'm here for.

jacynth: I can make up word definitions now?? AWESOME. I'm using it tomorrow.

liz: I just watch because it's a bunch of women living in a house together and all emotional and shit. There's bound to be good drama.

8:26 AM  
Blogger Kris said...

You aren't right.

In the best of ways, of course.

9:57 AM  
Blogger Lux Lisbon said...

reading your blog is like reading my diary from 10 years ago

you must be the shit!

10:28 AM  
Blogger green_canary said...

I say, "Hell no!" to the starting over. It's never as successful as you want it to be. When things don't turn out exactly as planned, you have to Start Over on your Starting Over. Before you know it, you're sucked into the dark vortex of Failed Starting Over-ness which is far, far worse than the original transgression which prompted the Starting Over in the first place. Besides, we like you just as you are.

3:19 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

kris: was my affinity for Mr. Jobs too much?

dt: kris (see above) would beg to differ about me being the shit, but I thank you nonetheless.

green canary: I'm trying to be optimistic about it though I'm sure it won't work out and I'll end up heartbroken. But it is what it is and I'll hate myself if I never try.

P.S. this is what all of this is about, a fear of being heartbroken. But it's par for the course* I suppose.

*I've been saying "par for the course" since I heard Michael Kors say it on an episode of PR. Soon I'm going to be saying "she looks like a paper brioche" non-stop. Help!

4:16 PM  
Blogger wunelle said...

You KEEP AWAY from Steve. He's mine!

4:45 PM  

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