I'm often a beacon of build up then drastic disappointment. Which means that now would be a good time to mention my often submissive, overly sensitive behavior; laden with spending way too much time allowing for people to walk all over me. I do not get everything I want. I hardly ever aggressively go for anything, because of my laziness and fear and general neuroses. Though Stacy put it best – I don't feel I'm worthy of being happy, so what's the point?
This isn't a pity post. I don't do things for others to pity me. It's just a fact of my life that most things have occurred by happenstance and luck. Not because I worked tremendously hard for my freedom and walked 14 miles in the snow, up a hill to get to where I am today.
Today marks the first time that I have realized how badly I want something. Painstakingly and obsessively so. Two things actually, if I really want to put myself out there in the realm of admittance. It hurts to want something and fear – though I have ESP, so I KNOW – that things will not work out and I'll be left stranded and feeling even shitier than normal. It sucks, but it's so true.
This also marks the first time that I have realized that both of the 'things' that I so desperately want are almost attainable. I can reach out and touch it but I'll have to work to get that extra inch and have either in my grasp. There's still the awful nagging feeling that I should give up and that all the extra work and stress isn't really necessary. What is the point in fighting for something when I know that it will take an act of God to actually reach?
It's stupid. It's also very trivial and stupid. I know there are wars and poor Ethiopians etc., but in my little world, this right now, is so very important.
So the choice is this: Head down what might be a slippery slope to very bad things/doom/death in hopes that avid prayer/voodoo/reading of the Torah will help me get what I want? OR give up now, stop trying and retreat back to my room and whimper and never know what might have happened if I hadn't let my overwhelming consternation get in the way?
I have a sneaking suspicion that a decision has already been made.