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Thursday, October 05, 2006

Luchar

"This fall I think you're riding for - it's a special kind of fall, a horrible kind. The man falling isn't permitted to feel or hear himself hit bottom. He just keeps falling and falling. The whole arrangement is designed for men who, at some time or other in their lives, were looking for something their own environment couldn't supply them with. Or they thought their own environment couldn't supply them with. So they gave up looking. They gave it up before they ever really even got started." ~J.D. Salinger

I'm often a beacon of build up then drastic disappointment. Which means that now would be a good time to mention my often submissive, overly sensitive behavior; laden with spending way too much time allowing for people to walk all over me. I do not get everything I want. I hardly ever aggressively go for anything, because of my laziness and fear and general neuroses. Though Stacy put it best – I don't feel I'm worthy of being happy, so what's the point?

This isn't a pity post. I don't do things for others to pity me. It's just a fact of my life that most things have occurred by happenstance and luck. Not because I worked tremendously hard for my freedom and walked 14 miles in the snow, up a hill to get to where I am today.

Today marks the first time that I have realized how badly I want something. Painstakingly and obsessively so. Two things actually, if I really want to put myself out there in the realm of admittance. It hurts to want something and fear – though I have ESP, so I KNOW – that things will not work out and I'll be left stranded and feeling even shitier than normal. It sucks, but it's so true.

This also marks the first time that I have realized that both of the 'things' that I so desperately want are almost attainable. I can reach out and touch it but I'll have to work to get that extra inch and have either in my grasp. There's still the awful nagging feeling that I should give up and that all the extra work and stress isn't really necessary. What is the point in fighting for something when I know that it will take an act of God to actually reach?

It's stupid. It's also very trivial and stupid. I know there are wars and poor Ethiopians etc., but in my little world, this right now, is so very important.

So the choice is this: Head down what might be a slippery slope to very bad things/doom/death in hopes that avid prayer/voodoo/reading of the Torah will help me get what I want? OR give up now, stop trying and retreat back to my room and whimper and never know what might have happened if I hadn't let my overwhelming consternation get in the way?

I have a sneaking suspicion that a decision has already been made.

10 Comments:

Blogger SUEB0B said...

I recognize myself all too well in this post. 90 percent of my life has been just going along with things. Sigh.

I wish you a good struggle. Que le vaya bien.

7:58 AM  
Blogger Jonathon said...

It's hard to keep perspective when you really want something. I hear you.

8:51 AM  
Blogger Bone said...

I hope you get what you want, HB. As long as what you want does not include a Super Bowl for Eli Manning ;-)

12:59 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

suebob: Why, thank you. If it's not a good struggle, it will definitely be interesting

jonathon: Isn't it though? It plagues me constantly. ugh.

sir bone: Ok, what I really want: The Yankees to beat the hell out of the Tigers and for the Giants to win the Superbowl. Because they're better than the Cowboys. So there!

2:23 PM  
Blogger Trouble said...

The fight is always better than the retreat. It's more difficult, usually, but infinitely more rewarding. You can do it and you deserve it.

5:11 PM  
Anonymous alyndabear said...

Onwards you go; forward march lady!

And best of luck with it.

10:28 PM  
Blogger Dagny said...

Keep fighting. And good luck. Except if it's that Yankees thing. Because they are vile. Being the A's fan that I am.

6:35 PM  
Anonymous nabbalicious said...

I agree: go for it! You might regret not trying at all if you don't. And good luck!

I'm like you, though: most things I've attained have been dumb luck, not back-breaking work. Ah, well.

7:21 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Ok, so general consensus here is to go out and kick some ass. So, that is what I shall do...

Beware those who get in my way.

9:31 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

Yes, kick ass! Don't give up!

I am placing a nice bottle of cabernet at the finish line.

11:52 AM  

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