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Monday, October 02, 2006

The pants

"Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum – 'My God, the floor's immaculate. Lie down, you hot bitch.'" ~Joan Rivers

Mel, in the past week, has come home and baked more than once. One night she made 18 cupcakes, leaving six for me and her boyfriend. The next night she made a five layer chocolate cake with some sort of rich butter cream frosting that I know she made from scratch.

At some point she also empties the dishwasher and when I go searching for my favorite Tupperware, I find it tucked neatly among all of the other Tupperware that once was in a pile shoved into a cabinet. She's found a place for everything including a spot in the bathroom to put all the cleaning supplies, whereas Jam and I just kept them on the floor.

Upon first moving in she cleaned and reorganized the living room, bathroom, kitchen and hall closet. I would come home and she'd timidly ask for my thoughts and I'd shrug. Because I don't care about the location of our living room furniture, but my god, was I thankful.

She does all of this with a smile while I tread back to my room either drunk or exhausted (or both) and write and sleep. Then she reads her Bible and makes homemade pesto.

I pay the bills. I make sure the rent is in on time. I call the leasing office when shit needs to be fixed. And I reach the high shelves above the fridge, because she's too short.

It's come to my attention that in this particular relationship, I wear the pants. I'm not sure whether to be happy to have a roommate to do all the shit I usually put off until Sunday afternoons or to fear for any man that I may end up with. For it will be a rude awakening for the future Mr. HB, when he expects for the bathroom to be cleaned and I hand him a bottle of Clorox and with a little pat on the back and a smile, say "Have at it, champ."


Blogger Bone said...

Sounds like you've found the one, HB. Hang on to her.

And remember, this also means you have to kill bugs and duct tape the rear-view mirror when it comes off.

8:19 PM  
Anonymous Em Robb said...

Delurking to say I totally feel you on roommates who cook and clean and do other "adult" things just for giggles. It's fabulous. Anything beyond changing the toilet paper role is to be commended in my book!

9:03 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

bone: I forgot to mention that I also kill bugs, not just at home but at work as well and that I have been known to secure a mirror with duct tape. I also had to learn the hard way that the silver duct tape is ALWAYS the way to go.

em robb: Now, I'm really good at changing the tp roll, but she'll do it at the PERFECT time. Like, I'll think about it and say, well it can get through one more day and then the next morning, poof! it's new.

10:11 PM  
Blogger Lux Lisbon said...

just keep your fingers crossed she doesn't turn into some SWF and you're golden.

4:42 AM  
Blogger Jonathon said...

These are the best kind of roommates. Be grateful that you've stumbled upon one. I took my only "oh yeah, I just decided to clean everything" roommate for granted, and now know what real loss feels like.

9:04 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

lux: ok, I never really thought of that. Now I'm scared. Oh well, at least she bakes.

jonathon: HA! I will never take her for granted, only because I would NEVER stick my hand down the drain to remove the clogged hair. Which is what she did, and then I kind of wanted to kiss her.

12:12 PM  
Blogger ocg said...

HB- When your done with her, do you think she would want to move to the west coast? I think I love her.

You are so lucky...

12:52 PM  
Anonymous Angela said...

Damn, where did this girl come from?? Why did I never in all my life end up with a roommate that made CUPCAKES!?

4:07 PM  
Blogger Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

Er...when can I move in?

4:46 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Pls send Mel to my house. Stop. Have clogged drain. Stop. Also need homemade cookies. Stop.

6:28 PM  
Blogger Bone said...

Uhh, can we go back to "I kind of wanted to kiss her" please. I don't feel like we explored that enough.

8:54 PM  
Blogger Dagny said...

I was doing something wrong all those years. I used to cook dinner, randomly bake items AND then repair things like the garbage disposal or rewire the phone jacks. Now it's just me and the cats. And tonight it's Beef Bourguignon simmering away on the stove. Which I would gladly share with a roomie if I had one.

9:27 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

ocg: Uhhh no. Sorry. She's mine, all mine.

angela: Believe it or not, she's from Hawaii. I mean, Hawaii has natives. For real. And here I thought it was just a vacation destination.

marci: Ummm you can't move in, but you are more than welcome to come visit.

liz: My first telegraph. Impressive. The only thing I can suggest for a clogged drain is draino. Because I'll be damned if I'm sticking my hand down there.

sir bone: Why am I not surprised...

dagny: If any of y'all are looking for a roommate apparently, Dagny is up for grabs...

9:59 PM  
Anonymous LisaBinDaCity said...

She sounds great! Can I borrow her for a week or so? ;-)

8:16 AM  
Blogger Kris said...

Oh yeah. You're totally the dude.

A dude who stays out all night on other people's couches, by the way . . . ;)

9:50 AM  
Blogger Buffy said...

Clearly I can't compare to the pesto maker....but I'm happy to do these things...of my own free will. The minute a man EXPECTS me to do them...well then that's a different story all together.

Have at it champ indeed.

9:52 AM  
Anonymous chris said...

You mean I'm not supposed to do that? it seems only fair since i *know* without a doubt that I am not the one with the poor aim.

7:26 PM  
Anonymous Gooseberried said...

Hey I just ran into your site because someone came to mine through yours. Very nice! I love the profile. I'm 22 and graduating in December. Any advice? :)

2:48 AM  

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