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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

The relationship expert

“Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that is wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That's Mine, This Is Yours.” – Harry Burns*

The title there is a straight up lie; a relationship expert, I surely am not, which may or may not be a surprise to most of you. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m the least knowledgeable person ever. This due to a myriad of things including, but surely not limited to: misanthropy, a protection mechanism, lack of social graces, and narcissism. Most days I’m pretty sure I’ll end up in a convent. That is if a convent would accept me and forgive my rampant use of the f-word, but then I’d have to accept strictly wearing black and white for many years, and that just wouldn’t work out either. But I digress.

Anyway, my lack of experience has been plaguing me for some unknown reason as of late and in that same vein, many of my friends – perhaps too many for my liking as they should all be happy and not have to deal with bullshit – have been having some relationship woes of their own. The beauty of this is that they are then willing to share their vast knowledge with me. Given that most are both older and considerably wiser, I appreciate it, listen and take copious notes. In fact I have even taken the liberty of printing them out to read as my mantra over my morning coffee:

If you sleep with your ex and then the person you're seeing asks you if you did, do not give off the tell tale signs of liars (read: growing nose), while denying it.


If you do something particularly unsavory to your significant other and s/he in turn, breaks up with you, do not call/IM/communicate via courier pigeon/fax/send smoke signal messages of love and desire between the hours of 12:30 AM and 7:30 AM.

Now the above are all quality things to know and because I’ve been fortunate to receive these gems from my very dear friends, I, being the kind hearted person that I am, have decided to share them with you. And in turn I ask that you share any relationship advice with me, because I am severely lacking. My only request is that it’s good and helpful and something that I wouldn’t readily think of by myself. Because really, how would I know not to date a possible homosexual**?


*From the date movie of all date movies

** I almost did that once. He seemed straight years before, but apparently not. Awesome.***

*** Speaking of awesome, how apropos is this?


Anonymous dinky said...

"Happy wife, happy life."

Er, um, no, wait...

Don't fight in public. Noone else needs to know.

5:41 PM  
Blogger Trasi said...

If you have to sit and wonder or are up late at night worrying about or sit and talk to your girlfriends/sisters/mother about whether or not some guy (in the future perhaps?) is the one? He's not. If he's the one, you'll know it, there will not be angst about it, there will be no question. If there's question, it's not right. Life is hard, but shouldn't be hard even getting to the point where you're promising to stick it out through the hard shit.

8:30 PM  
Blogger sparkles anonymous! said...

Don't ever date someone based on who you think they can become. This is another way of saying - don't attempt to change someone. A, they may change into someone you don't like (this happened to me) -- or they may never change, but they'll sure as hell resent you for trying.

9:34 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

dinky: Better yet, if you're both bloggers, don't write about your fights on the internet.

trasi: I believe strongly in never questioning whether or not something is worth it.

sparkles anon: Just like I wouldn't want anyone to try to change me or date me solely on someone or something they think I could become. Either way, it's impossible and probably not entirely worth it.

8:46 AM  
Blogger Bone said...

Rule #134: Don't ask/let your sister/mother call the guy you're dating/interested in and proceed to tell him amidst a string of profanities to quit stringing you along.

Because after that, it's so over.

10:27 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

"All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband."

10:35 AM  
Blogger Isabel said...

I think everbody needs to date someone who eventually comes out of the closet. It makes for fun stories.

Here's my advice:

Don't go to bed angry!

HAAAAAA!!! Going to be angry is my favorite. It means that I can go to sleep and not have to talk to anyone. Just glorious sleep.

I guess what I'm saying is that I have no advice.

(good thing, because I was married and divorced by the time I was 23! AWESOME!)

10:37 AM  
Anonymous Angela said...

Advice... um... yeah... hmmm...

Always wear your best underwear when you've got a date, because you just never know...

11:09 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

sir bone: shit...remind me to call my mother later.

liz: that would be my favorite quote from that movie. And my god, is it true. It makes me want to be more forceful, the fear that someone might take the guy that I want. grrr. this sucks.

isabel: Gosh, I must seem like a late bloomer to you. But if you go to bed angry, you miss out on make up sex/making out/groping/whatever the crazy kids are doing these days.

angela: oooh, good one. That i might easily forget, because I suck like that.

2:30 PM  
Blogger Lux Lisbon said...

you know that advice that women's magazines are always spewing about how if a man says nice things about his mother "hes a keeper" uhm, yeah. i't bull shit. if a man tells starts telling you how cool his mom is or how great/strong/wonderful ect RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.


3:57 PM  
Anonymous Teacher Jane said...

Keep secrets. Not make-it-or-break it secrets, like, "I can't have children," or "I have the clap." Keep secrets so that you still have something that will always belong to you and just you (other than your Coach bags, which should forever and always remain untouched by your SO unless he is buying you another one).

There's something incredibly degrading and horrifying about breaking up with someone after five years and realizing that, holy shit, there was no part of you that was left unscathed by him.

8:18 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

lux: really?? I had no clue. wow.I'm assuming you speak from experience on that one.

teacher jane: Oooh good one!

9:20 AM  
Blogger treespotter said...

don't go historical all the time. most men have short term memory problem. or memory problems in general.

12:04 PM  

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