The relationship expert
“Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that is wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That's Mine, This Is Yours.” – Harry Burns*
The title there is a straight up lie; a relationship expert, I surely am not, which may or may not be a surprise to most of you. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m the least knowledgeable person ever. This due to a myriad of things including, but surely not limited to: misanthropy, a protection mechanism, lack of social graces, and narcissism. Most days I’m pretty sure I’ll end up in a convent. That is if a convent would accept me and forgive my rampant use of the f-word, but then I’d have to accept strictly wearing black and white for many years, and that just wouldn’t work out either. But I digress.
Anyway, my lack of experience has been plaguing me for some unknown reason as of late and in that same vein, many of my friends – perhaps too many for my liking as they should all be happy and not have to deal with bullshit – have been having some relationship woes of their own. The beauty of this is that they are then willing to share their vast knowledge with me. Given that most are both older and considerably wiser, I appreciate it, listen and take copious notes. In fact I have even taken the liberty of printing them out to read as my mantra over my morning coffee:
If you sleep with your ex and then the person you're seeing asks you if you did, do not give off the tell tale signs of liars (read: growing nose), while denying it.
If you do something particularly unsavory to your significant other and s/he in turn, breaks up with you, do not call/IM/communicate via courier pigeon/fax/send smoke signal messages of love and desire between the hours of 12:30 AM and 7:30 AM.
Now the above are all quality things to know and because I’ve been fortunate to receive these gems from my very dear friends, I, being the kind hearted person that I am, have decided to share them with you. And in turn I ask that you share any relationship advice with me, because I am severely lacking. My only request is that it’s good and helpful and something that I wouldn’t readily think of by myself. Because really, how would I know not to date a possible homosexual**?
*From the date movie of all date movies
** I almost did that once. He seemed straight years before, but apparently not. Awesome.***
*** Speaking of awesome, how apropos is this?