To Do: For next year
With just a few days until my 23rd birthday, I've been put on notice that there are things that I need to work on apparently. In such, I’ve decided to condense them all to a single list of things to check off as the next 365 days go by, in hopes of bettering me for society. Notes and letters may be fictionalized for dramatic purposes, humorous effect and because I am a Scorpio.
Oh precious daughter of mine,
Pay for it your own damn self
Love you the moon and the stars,
P.S. Alcohol expands your waist line.
You're egregious mistakes and annoying behavior, make us want to choke a bitch. Stop. Please and thank you.
To the Owner of the Mercury Sable at the corner of Wisconsin and M:
We wanted to take the time out of our ever busy schedule of catching murderers and rape suspects to question your decision of parking in a metro bus zone. Really? In a metro bus zone? The hazard lights were a nice touch, but no.
Here's a ticket to add to your collage,
We love and adore you. But we're so.much.better.than.you. Stop being lame.
I wanted and received a girl. Now, if you could keep from calling during football games solely to discuss every single solitary detail down to the formation of the ribs on the plate and the flavor of the barbeque sauce, then I might actually enjoy talking to you.
To my soul mate and most beautiful woman in all the land,
I give to you my heart and the $10K I won last week. Also first dibs on my collection.
To my host organism,
Cirrhosis of the liver is so not sexy. Why must you treat me this way?
If you don't stop, I'm jumping ship.
*no, really, he calls me Beanie. What's worse? Peg calls me "Beanie Barbum". But neither are as bad as "HeathBar Crunch"
**I don’t know who won yet. I won’t know until 4 PM EST. If you tell me before that time, I cannot be held responsible for what I might do to you.