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Thursday, October 19, 2006

To Do: For next year

“Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.” ~Tom Wilson

With just a few days until my 23rd birthday, I've been put on notice that there are things that I need to work on apparently. In such, I’ve decided to condense them all to a single list of things to check off as the next 365 days go by, in hopes of bettering me for society. Notes and letters may be fictionalized for dramatic purposes, humorous effect and because I am a Scorpio.

***

Oh precious daughter of mine,

Pay for it your own damn self

Love you the moon and the stars,
Mom
P.S. Alcohol expands your waist line.

***

Heather,

You're egregious mistakes and annoying behavior, make us want to choke a bitch. Stop. Please and thank you.

Cordially,
The World

***

To the Owner of the Mercury Sable at the corner of Wisconsin and M:

We wanted to take the time out of our ever busy schedule of catching murderers and rape suspects to question your decision of parking in a metro bus zone. Really? In a metro bus zone? The hazard lights were a nice touch, but no.

Here's a ticket to add to your collage,
MPD

***

HB,

We love and adore you. But we're so.much.better.than.you. Stop being lame.

Love,
Your friends

***

Beanie*,

I wanted and received a girl. Now, if you could keep from calling during football games solely to discuss every single solitary detail down to the formation of the ribs on the plate and the flavor of the barbeque sauce, then I might actually enjoy talking to you.

Love,
Dad

***
To my soul mate and most beautiful woman in all the land,

I give to you my heart and the $10K I won last week. Also first dibs on my collection.
Marry Me?

Love,
Michael Knight**


***
To my host organism,

Cirrhosis of the liver is so not sexy. Why must you treat me this way?
If you don't stop, I'm jumping ship.

Love,
Your liver


*no, really, he calls me Beanie. What's worse? Peg calls me "Beanie Barbum". But neither are as bad as "HeathBar Crunch"
**I don’t know who won yet. I won’t know until 4 PM EST. If you tell me before that time, I cannot be held responsible for what I might do to you.

13 Comments:

Anonymous jes said...

These letters? Priceless.

Also, your mom's letter (however fictionalized) is right: 32% of consumed alcohol turns to fat.

I learned that in college. But it didn't stop me from drinking. Obviously, my liver needed a letter, too.

11:37 AM  
Blogger V said...

Hilarious!!

My understanding is that the alcohol gets burned off first (and faster)--so it's the fact that you're being "healthy" and eating food too...

11:43 AM  
Blogger Heather Anne said...

So funny. I hope you get your renegade liver under control. I never let my organs talk to me like that!

12:45 PM  
Blogger Buffy said...

I love this. I really want to steal it.

Poor liver.

12:51 PM  
Blogger I-66 said...

Please tell me people don't actually call you HeathBar Crunch. I think I might actually kill someone.

1:43 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

jes: yeah, I know. But that doesn't stop me from drinking. Wine is delicious. And she should be thankful that I'm not on drugs.

v: aahhh ok. Well, thanks for clearing that up for me. I also buy my wine and beer from Whole Foods, so it's probably made with organic grapes, which must count for something.

heather anne: my liver can be a smart mouthed little shit sometimes. And yet I still love it. It's been so good to me over the years.

buffy: poor liver, indeed.

i-66: oh, but they do. Or at least did for the six months I lived in Spain, but now it's not quite so often.

2:01 PM  
Blogger Dagny said...

Your liver is obviously campaigning for an award as the hardest working organ.

And "Beanie"? Not so bad. Thank goodness I managed to convince my dad by age 8 that "Pooch" was not that endearing of a name.

As far as the empty calories from alcohol, it's all balanced out if you lower your food consumption and hit the gym like a fiend afterward.

11:18 PM  
Anonymous jonniker said...

BEANIE! I don't mean to harp on something painful, but that's the cutest thing ever. Cutest. Thing. Ever.! BEANIE BARBUM!

1:41 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Michael Knight is adorable, even with braces. I enthusiastically support your marriage.

Also, I am a little jealous.

3:33 PM  
Anonymous LisaBinDaCity said...

Darling Heather, I hesitate to tell you this but you know that Michael Knight is dating the pop singer Brandi, right?

Sorry.

But you can always kick her ass to the curb the minute you guys hook up ;-)

12:59 PM  
Anonymous alyndabear said...

Lists are always useful. I think your liver needs talking to, though.

Luckily I have another 9 months before my 23rd, to think up some REALLY good ones.

;)

12:24 AM  
Anonymous Pioneer Woman said...

Oh, man. The liver/host organism letter took the prize.

9:16 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

My liver would like you all to know that it's host organism has been treating it quite well as of late.

My bronchial tubes are another story...

9:50 AM  

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