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Thursday, November 09, 2006


“I'd rather sit down and write a letter than call someone up. I hate the telephone.” ~Henry Miller

There’s something that I finally feel ok to tell you all. It’s semi serious, but I’ve been pretty good at keeping it hidden. And this is something that goes beyond the fact that I’m really not all that funny in person, but even worse than that: I’m afraid of the phone. Really afraid of the phone. So terrified of it that right now I must type or do something with my hands or I don’t know…deep knee bends…or something, because it’s just really hard. Let’s just say I just had one of the most awkward phone conversations ever (no, seriously) and then had to actually get up from my desk and take a walk. Because OH MY GOD, I had to call a STRANGER.

Oh and another secret: I obsess. Even when things don’t warrant obsessing, I’m obsessing because using the phone is such a big deal and a new fangled thing that I’ve apparently just discovered the proper way in which to use it. Thus an entire two paragraphs devoted to why I can’t handle being a competent person in this world. In fact, you know in The Net how Sandra Bullock did everything from the comfort of her home, including order pizza, and then she finally did leave the house and her world blew the fuck up?? Well that’s going to be me. I’m going to become a recluse and never leave my laptop and never actually talk to anyone on the phone, because apparently, I cannot.

I need to sit and rock a bit and get back to my happy place and remember a time, not that long ago, when I could use the fun and continue to be a functioning member of society. I don’t know what event triggered this panic to using the telephone, but oh my hell, I think it needs to stop.

Ok, all better.



Anonymous lorie said...

I left my last job because a good portion of it was calling volunteers and I just could not make myself do it. I know EXACTLY how you feel - I could have written this post myself, even.

I have no advice, just sympathy.

1:30 PM  
Blogger daisies said...

no advice here either .. i can't tell you how many times i have argued with others over who is going to call the pizza guy! phone phobiamaniacs unit!! ;-)

(surfin the nablopomo)

1:35 PM  
Blogger Heather Anne said...

My sister is 26 and afraid to order pizza. Just... you know... you're not alone.

3:08 PM  
Anonymous divinediva said...

I am there with you. We have 2 cells and a home phone, and I hate talking on any of them. It is so much easier to converse on line because you can plan out what your going to say. and if you mess up you can blame it on typo's.

4:03 PM  
Blogger Bone said...

This has nothing to do with phones, but sometimes I feel myself veering towards that Sandra-Bullock-in-the-net lifestyle.

And, um, I guess that's it.

Maybe the Hoagies will begin a new "Worst Comment Ever" category.

Vote for meeeee~!

4:51 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Lorie: The sympathy is needed. Thank you.

Daisies: We should totally form a phone phobia club. And we all communicate via email and/or IM.

Heather Anne: But I can order pizza. That's fine. It's just...I don't know. But it was the oddest freak out over the phone that I've ever had. I'm embarrassed, but it's funny.

Divinediva: Exactly. I should have written out what I was going to say first, but of course I tried to be tough and do it on a whim and look what happened. Damn.

Bone: I am shocked! You seem like such the social butterfly.

5:43 PM  
Anonymous jes said...

Do you remember that Dot Com Guy from a while ago? The guy who actually LEGALLY changed his name to Dot Com Guy and for an entire year didn't leave his house and did everything from the comfort of his home?

Well, yes, anyway. I met his wife a few weeks ago at a baby shower. And it was odd, because I know he was single at that point. But it made me wonder: did they meet in a chat room?

5:49 PM  
Blogger green3 said...

If my phone rings and I don't recognize the number, I don't answer it. Screw 'em.

6:04 PM  
Blogger Mocha said...

I don't remember that movie "The Net". I was busy ordering Thai food take-out while I was doing my bills online. Isn't that strange?

Actually, I only recall that they used some big word which, at the time, I didn't know and now I can't remember. Maybe I can order it from Netflix right now so I can watch it again. Wasn't there some hot guy in it, too?

Geez. It's only sorta coming back to me and now I really think I need to watch it. Damnit, Heather.

11:48 PM  
Anonymous alyndabear said...

I can't STAND calling people I dont know. It makes me sweat. And I don't like to sweat.

1:42 AM  
Blogger heather said...

I feel ya. I just got off the phone with a guy who wanted to know if there are any time portals in the greater Los Angeles area.

1:20 PM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

i've grown to dislike the phone as well. i let all my calls go straight to voice mail and i never pick it up if the number is unrecognizable. presently, i've yet to work up the nerve (and energy) to call a recruiter that left me a message 2 days ago. even sending an email has become exhausting.

iming, blogging, email, txt messaging, cell phones... perhaps this is the result of communication overload?

2:30 PM  
Blogger treespotter said...

there is something about phone, really. i notice recently that whenever i feel low i'm really reluctant to even answer phone. from anyone. it's a bliss just to live without phones even for a weekend.

3:24 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Ok, so now I feel 150 times better. I AM normal. This happens so rarely, that I find out that one of my huge quirks isn't completely crazy. It's kind of nice.

Remember the pre-teen/teenage years, when the phone would ring and we'd jump up to get it? Yeah. That's funny and really crazy.

4:44 PM  
Blogger Jezer said...

I've noticed this around the 'sphere--a LOT of us have phone issues. I know I certainly do. I wonder if it's a writers' (and because I include myself in that group I use the term veeeerrrry loosely) thing. Can it just be coincidence that so many of us fear and loathe the telephone?

10:32 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Jezer: I've noticed it too and while I'd use the term 'writer' very loosely as well, most of us are good with the written word. We have time to think about what we're going to write and then re-word it and edit ourselves before putting it out there. On the phone, especially on this occasion, I came off as a complete idiot, because there was nothing written in front of me. Sadly, that's now how most people communicate, so for now I suppose I'll have to relax and embrace the phone.

5:44 PM  
Blogger Postmodern Sass said...

I can't thank you enough for coming out of the closet on behalf of all of us. Yes, me too. I hate the phone, love email. Hate having to speak to people I don't know. Don't even like much speaking to people I do know on the phone. I even tell my students not to call me (they are encouraged to email me). Says so right in my course outlines, every semester.

12:27 AM  

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