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Sunday, November 12, 2006


“How much has to be explored and discarded before reaching the naked flesh of feeling.” ~Claude Debussy

I always think that I’m onto something brand spanking new when I divulge another (innocuous, or not) tidbit about myself. Like the other day I told Pal that I could be obsessive, as if no one would ever guess that I, of all people, obsess about things endlessly. To which he replied that it was cute that I thought that it was a secret. Have I mentioned the internet searches that go into every little thing that I do? No? Well, there’s internet searches and web MD, because I’m like 99% sure that I have ADD or something.

So, for days, nay weeks, I’ve been saying “Oh yeah, I’m fine” to everything. How’s the weather, HB? Oh, yeah, I’m fine. It’s like my Pavlovian reaction to any question even if it has nothing to do with me, I’ll say “I’m fine”. From now on, please call me Narcissus, please and thank you. Everyday, Swiss Kris will ask me how I am and I immediately pop up with an ‘I’m fine’ and a smile. I’m not sure where I read it, for it was fairly recent, but the author questioned what ‘we’ did before emoticons and well, I pray at the alter of emoticons. So I figure that an AIM smiley, totally conveys that I’m so utterly fine and there are butterflies and rainbows and puppies. The end.

But alas not, because Kris called it my bullshit modus operandi. Damn it, I thought I had that hidden, dude she found me out. No one would know that I’m not feeling completely up to par and because I talk to 87% of people via some sort of Instant Messenger service, I figured that no one would be none the wiser if I threw in a little smile. Or a wink face. Yes, a wink face! Nothing says, La dee da, like a wink face, but sometimes I throw in a kiss face for good measure. And maybe we should be concerned that 87% of my conversations occur via IM. We’ll discuss that later.

Where was I? Oh yes, I’m fine. I am fine. Though if one more person comes up to me and says “Well you must have had the best week ever!!!” I might punch them in the jugular. Not stab, because yes, the wink was fucking awesome, how kind of you to notice, so I wouldn’t want anyone dead, but a little injury, because yes, it was superb. Yes, I drank more Moet than I have in years and I smiled. Am I really fine though? Eh, given that only one person knows what is making me so un-fine, then I’m OK, because not everyone and their brother knows how dumb I’ve been. Though I must admit, I’ve been on cruise control through this haze and everyday is weird and I’m a little more quiet and thoughtful and I may have let the tears well up a bit when I thought I left my ID at home Friday night and had to drive all the way back home (1.3 miles thankyouverymuch) to get it and I haven’t been to the gym and my ‘fine-nesss’ ruined what was supposed to be the Best Week Evah.

But yeah, I’m fine. Totally fine. And maybe if I keep saying it, then it will be true.

*I wrote this entire post with a defective ‘K’ key. So every time I wrote like, it came out ‘lie’. And then I’d have to smash the key down (like now) in order to get it to function properly. This is all very aggravating, but I’m still fine.


Anonymous alyndabear said...

Well your post came out fine.

Just fine.

3:13 AM  
Anonymous Abigail said...

B, (can I call you that?) I always do searches also for everything. Also, I had to take this computer class in college for GE credit and there was actually a whole page in our textbook about emoticons. The word "flirty" was actually used. Feel better! :) :-D ;)

11:22 AM  
Anonymous Jurgen Nation said...

The Swiss is right. You fool no one. ;)

6:58 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Alyndabear: Well that's good. And thankfully I'm actually becoming fine. So, good news all around.

Abigail: Actually everyone calls me B, my parents included. Seriously, emoticons make everything better, because most of the time, no one will ever know if you're lying. Except of course my friends know.

Jurgen: Is it just me, or is she right about 99.9% of things? She knows all!

7:24 PM  
Blogger Bone said...

I do a variation on this, after a relationship ends.

When someone asks if I'm OK, I say, "I'll be fine."

Because, really, it's true.

Try it.

I'll be fine.

See? Rainbows and puppies.

9:18 PM  
Blogger Kris said...

I don't know all, but I'm starting to know you pretty damn well, and I'm thinking this post calls for a glass at our fave wine bar this week. You name the day.

Looking forward to catching up with you tomorrow.

And glad to hear that I'm not crazy. I was thinking for a week or so that my HBdar might be off.

9:51 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Bone: Yup, I'll be fine.

Kris: Dude, you can read my mind! No, you're not crazy, but it's amazing what one is able to convey solely via IM.

9:59 PM  
Blogger Namaste said...


Interesting for sure.

10:48 PM  
Anonymous Jenny said...

Yeah, I'm fine too. So fine I'm on medication.


8:19 AM  
Anonymous LisaBinDaCity said...

That's a very Southern approach Miss Heather. Say you are fine, pin a smile on your face and maybe it will be true.

It kinda works.

8:23 AM  
Blogger Lux Lisbon said...

Well I am kinda fine (just not mentally).

10:39 AM  
Blogger changapeluda said...

Dear Heather B.
Hi, just wanted you to know I am putting you in my favourites and will be reading your blog from now on. Also, your archives when I get a chance. I can tell, I really like your writing. Already. For real. I'm a right-off-the bat kinda chick like that.

11:30 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Namaste: Yup, it's very interesting, possibly unfortunate as well.

Jenny: I'm so fucking stellar that I just called my therapist, because, you know...fine.

LisaB: I'm pretty sure that it's because both of my parents are Southern. It's also the reason for why I think that Collards are good and that grits should be served at all meals.

Lux: Well then, I suppose I'm kinda fine as well.

Changapeluda: Why thank you so very much. My archives are none to stellar and you'll also soon realize how incredibly self deprecating I am. Anyway, welcome!

1:06 PM  
Blogger GirlGoyle said...

Hang in one point you'll find that after all you are fine and even your K key will pop back as it should.

2:16 PM  
Anonymous Angela said...

I do crazy searches for everything as well. And then I got a blog, and I realized that other people could probably see the bizarre search engine queries that landed me at their sites. And I think twice before searching now. If that's not ridiculous, I don't know what is. But you know, I'm fine--wink wink!

5:23 PM  

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