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Friday, November 17, 2006

It goes like this

“New! Improved! Instant asshole... just add alcohol!” ~Author Unknown

Let me preface this by saying that this is what my inevitable dotage will be like save for the fact that I will most likely be entirely sober throughout the entire thing, which will manifest itself into super psycho HB v. 2.89. Actually I strongly suggest that you have a drink in hand and/or be seated while reading this. Also, try not to want to smack me in the head.

8:48 PM Arrive home after a trip to UStreet for hair product and the gym and Potbelly. Question how I ended up in Anacostia for 7 minutes. Also patting self on back for getting to the wine store minutes before it closes, for a bottle of Vila Malbec. (This will be crucial to the rest of the timeline)

9:00 PM Tear open wine. Begin watching Grey’s. Blind spots, eh? Interesting. McSteamy, yes, I will pick up your dry cleaning. Let’s have babies, yes?

9:30 PM Drinking wine, blah blah blah. George’s dad, blah blah blah.

9:31 PM Bored. Laptop.

9:32 PM Thinking I love my laptop. My shmoopie, baby cakes laptop that has been with me through thick and thin for the past five years and two months. Awwww. Lovey dovey kins doodlebop.

9:33 PM Hear noise coming from the foyer. Presume that it is the roommate coming in. My non drinking roommate who probably thinks that I am a lush, which, ummm yes. After hearing said noise, get up because usually she calls out and says hello. Am being burgarlarized. Contemplate last will. Run over with my wine glass (thinking: Malbec to the eye, will blind the fucker). And lo, it is my roommates boyfriend who calmly says ‘hey’. Like it’s totally fucking normal to be standing in the foyer like a robber.


9:35 PM Laptop status: flickering. Hmmm. Possible seizure? No. Possible flicker due to half of a bottle of wine consumption? Perhaps.

9:36 PM – 9:38 PM Restart laptop continuously. My precious baby couldn’t be dying on me.

9:39 PM Peg calls. Through tears, I say something unintelligible about broken laptop, broke HB. Drunkeness. (All a blur now) Recall that she says something smart about purchasing new Mac book now, as opposed to later, and she’d give me the money now for it. But cannot possibly listen. Too busy throwing temper tantrum to think clearly.

9:40 PM Frantically IMing my pal more non-sensical things about my laptop slowly killing itself. Needs CPR. Tracheotomy, emergency c-section and some sutures. All the while, the laptop keeps with the flickering!

9:45 PM Marlboro (oh shut it, dead laptop! You’d want drugs too)

9:55 PM Lament on how un-cathartic Grey’s has become. It used to be that I’d sit alone on Sunday nights afterwards and cry my eyes out because my god! Meredith was so right, even though she needed a filet-o-fish. Now, I’m all “blind spots? Judgement? Not knowing your child’s blood type? Wha?”

10:00 - 10:30 PM Barbara Walters. I would also enjoy interviewing George Clooney, as well as be interested in humping his leg and general licking.


10:40 PM More frantic IMing to the pal. Rampant use of emoticons to convey the dire need for help because woe! Pray over laptop (seriously) and demand its cooperation. But it’s too stubborn and I’m too ummm…drunk.

10:45 PM Admire reflection in mirror. Purple teeth and bad skin. Question why on God’s green earth, I could still be single. Whimper.

10:50 PM Fall face first onto my bed.

5:20 AM Alarm goes off (for the gym of course). Awake and question massive hangover. Possibly whimper. Possibly sleep until 8:00 AM.

And scene.

If I never, ever get married, I’ll look back through my archives, find this post and realize why, I never found the right man. Because I’m drunk all of the time and alone and rambling around my house with a broken laptop, yelling at it to please work. Also, I think I might have to wave the white flag and surrender to the NaBloPoMo.



Anonymous guinness girl said...

Ha. I am constantly amazed that I ended up married because I cannot tell you how many times I did crap like that. Er, DO crap like that. But wine is so lovely!

2:21 PM  
Anonymous jonniker said...

"In desperate need of a filet-o-fish" oh that damn near killed me.

I hope you're alive and well today and not dead by the wine.

2:45 PM  
Anonymous MappyB said...

No kidding about surrender to the NaBloPoMo - what did we get ourselves in to!

I've had many a nights like those, and still found a great man. Not married yet though, so I'll have to get back to you.

So are you getting a new MAC?

3:12 PM  
Blogger Kris said...

I'm relatively sure that 1) the quote can be attributed to me, and 2) that there is more than one bottle of wine involved in this tale.

Also, did I write this? Oh right, I don't use a Mac. Subtle difference.

3:28 PM  
Anonymous alyndabear said...

Ahhhh - you have so little time to go, don't stop now chook.

Is the laptop behaving now?

8:23 PM  
Blogger wunelle said...

Your blog is like Tivo: I'm glad I don't actually have to be there to witness the fracas first-hand, but it's delightful to visit later!

My MacBook is sending good vibes your way.

8:23 PM  
Blogger SUEB0B said...

drunk, alone and rambling around the house...describes me perfectly!

11:27 PM  
Blogger Bone said...

I never really knew what that NaBloPoHo thing was anyway.

2:18 AM  
Blogger Dagny said...

OK. You scared me with the "have a drink in hand and/or be seated." How did you know that if I am reading you in the evening, I am seated with a glass of red wine? And you actually talked to your mother after drinking? You are a braver soul than I am. Well, there was that one drunken night in college. Perhaps that's why I let her calls go to voicemail now.

8:26 PM  
Blogger Lux Lisbon said...

NaBloPoHo. Say that 5 times fast.

7:31 AM  
Anonymous Glennia said...

Please don't give up on NaBloPoMo. This is the funniest blog post EVER and I found you through the Rando thing and I would totally miss you if you didn't post. That is, if I oculd ever find this blog again.

3:58 PM  
Blogger J. said...

This post is the highlight of the day thus far. Makes the lurking worthwhile

4:22 PM  
Anonymous LisaBinDaCity said...

Wait, McSteamy? What happened to Michael Knight???


4:29 PM  
Blogger Mocha said...

Heather. My dear.

You know how busy-bustling life can be for everyone and that I actually do visit you even if I don't leave a comment (oh, and yes, Mallory is coming to BlogHer next year and YES, we will all drink vodka together) and yet...

... this is the. funniest. fucking. thing. ever.

Way to many things you said made me snort audibly enough for the dog to look at me with a ??? look.

I usually say, "Dear God, would someone give that girl a damn cheeseburger because she is TOO. SKINNY." but now I'm going to use your "filet-o-fish" line. So funny.

Sorry about the laptop and stained teeth. Switch to a white wine. Lay hands on the laptop. All will be well.

5:42 PM  

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