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Thursday, November 02, 2006


“Clothes are never a frivolity: they always mean something.” ~James Laver

A few weeks ago, I had scheduled myself to attend a Pimp Ball for a friend’s birthday. I already knew what to do with the hair (When I take a pick to it, I look like my avatar of Pam) but it was the clothing that got me. While this may be shocking to some, I’m not really the…umm… ‘ho’ type. I have nothing that even remotely resemble such and when I told a friend of this predicament she exclaimed horror that I didn’t even an own a denim mini skirt. To which I said “I do not have the hips or the ass for a mini anything. The end.” And she suggested Trampage or Forever 21. And because I take dressing up seriously* I trekked out to Montgomery County to Forever 21, because I am nothing if not dedicated**.

I am also nothing if not semi-delusional, which is probably what lead me to drive 40 minutes to Maryland for a $30 outfit for a party that I knew I would be late to. An outfit from a store, which hasn’t held anything that fits me in several years, possibly a solid decade. I am not a tiny person and never would claim to be. With the advent of stores like Forever 21 and Trampage and I’mASlutWhoseThighsWillNeverTouch (Yes! That’s a store!) I continued shopping at Banana Republic and Gap because even though I have a sizable ass, I also have my dignity and believe strongly in a-line skirts and cashmere.

So upon my arrival in to Forever 21 – which, do you realize the crazy looks that a grown adult gets when checking out stuff meant for 15 year olds? I wanted to bitch slap the sales lady because it’s not like I’m 47! I’m 22! – I was a little taken aback. Though delusional, I know that I would never, ever fit into a pair of pants made for those of the prepubescent set. Which I’m OK with. So I went straight for the most ho-riffic dress I could find, that would fit over the twins and my linebacker shoulders***. Which, impossible, right? I mean, I of all people should not be shopping in the Junior’s department, who cares if I can be frugal, there’s still no reason for it and nothing will fit and blah, blah, blah, I got the hottest fucking dress ever. And it fit superbly.

Remember, when I decided that because Tiger goes to the gym and does pilates and can hit clear across a dog leg at the 17th hole and be like 14 under par, then I should go to the gym because then I’ll hit the same exact way and Annika will be jealous? Well, apparently that worked. Sort of. I mean I still can’t hit a dog leg for the life of me and Annika would laugh and pet me on the head and say ‘good try’ with my stellar use of a four iron, but when I did my weekly weigh in, I apparently have lost something like 22 lbs. Completely unintentional, because it sure as hell isn’t because I watch what I eat. Only if ‘watching’ means meticulously staring at my Cajun fries and/or burrito and/or naan smothered in palak paneer as it goes into my mouth because I cannot drop any. So yeah, I guess I’ve been watching what I eat.

Really I don’t know how it happened and I really haven’t given up on my fish fillets or brunch at Georgia Brown’s. But I do know that I can now buy all the cheap crap I want from Trampage (save for pants) and not look like a stuffed sausage and can freely prance around in a $22 dress and some Stuart Weitzman ballet flats and laugh my little (ok, smaller, for now) ass off. And yell at Kris, loudly/drunkenly, in the middle of dinner at Sonoma, that I wear things from the Juniors Department NAH; while possibly sticking out my tongue. And damn, it feels good.

*Except for Halloween. Unless I’ve had plans for weeks, I don’t really do Halloween.
**Except for when it comes to anything that I have no interest in doing, which is why my room looks like a hurricane passed through and why my writing has slowly gotten worse

***Good Lord, I am hot. Line back shoulders, a large ass, and a fro. This is why the men come after me.


Anonymous bloggadocio said...

22lbs w/out making a concerted effort! Sweet jesus honey - congratulations!

2:05 PM  
Anonymous guinness girl said...

You are one lucky bitch, Heather B. Okay, maybe the bitch part was inappropriate, since (a) I dont' know you and (b) I'm really just jealous, but we can pretend, right?

Go you!

4:25 PM  
Anonymous chirky said...

If there is a picture in this post exclaiming your hotness, then damnit, I'm pissed. All images are blocked. And this is an image I must see.

I must see it because I do believe that your 22 pounds are currently stuck to my ass.

4:38 PM  
Blogger Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

Was that the ho'rific dress at Sonoma? Hot damn, ho' threads look good on you!

5:40 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

bloggadocio: yup. I was on a fish fillet and fries diet. Thanks kindly.

guinness girl: I take no offense, promise. And thank you.

chirky: I actually do have a picture, but it's not posted, so I promise you're not missing out on anything.

marci: why yes, it was. I think I'd make a well dressed ho, don't you?

6:21 PM  
Anonymous kerrianne said...

Oh, for a second there, I thought there was an actual store called "Trampage." Too funny.

6:53 PM  
Anonymous Abigail said...

Several of my friends shop at Forever 21 and they're always telling me that I will totally find that dress I need there. And then I get there and The (DD) Ladies are all, "are you kidding?" And the only time I tried something on that actually fit I ended up looking like I should be playing a harp and singing an ode to a grecian urn.

Congrats on the 22 lbs!

8:39 PM  
Blogger Dagny said...

I own a few items from Forever 21. It's not the salespeople who give me strange looks but the teenage girls shopping there. Then again, I usually go to the one in the ghetto fab mall so the salespeople are probably used to seeing folks my age in there.

Congrats on the weight loss. But don't get carried away. Several male friends have told me that there is nothing wrong with having a healthy backside.

9:25 PM  
Blogger Bone said...

I wouldn't have thought you had 22 lbs. to lose.

Oh, and you forgot to include a link for "I'mASlutWhoseThighsWillNeverTouch."

10:01 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

kerrianne: I mean it might as well be called that, but no.

abigail: They actually have some (some) cute stuff there. You'd be surprised, or at least I was.

dagny: Yeah, this mall is in suburban MD in one of the wealthiest counties in the nation. Which means they look at me like a) I must have gotten lost on my way back to Prince George's County or that b) I must have gotten lost on my way up to Banana Republic.
Though I think that I might actually like forever 21 now. Damn.

sir bone: Ummm yeah, I did. It helps that I'm tall(ish) though, so it all evens out. But thank you. And yes that totally is a store! I just didn't find the URL fast enough.

10:07 AM  
Anonymous Angela said...

Woah--22 pounds is nothing to sneeze at! Well done woman! Typically after doing my weigh in after a month or so of gym going, I find that I've actually PUT ON weight. That pretty much shoots down any exercise motivation for another couple of months before I decide to try again. Lather, rinse, repeat. It's a vicious cycle.

10:41 AM  
Blogger Heather Anne said...

Trampage! Ha!

They ought to let you write copy for their advertising.

(Good work on the 22lbs.)

10:56 AM  
Blogger heather said...

That's so funny - I was in a Forever 21 fitting room for about 3 hours last night engaging in an intense inner monologue that went something like Heather, you need this dress.But it's from Forever 21. I know, but it's hot! Yeah but the button life is probably less than six hours.It is only nineteen dollars, though! BUT YOU WILL OWN SOMETHING FROM FOREVER 21. OK fine I'll cut out the tags.

And when that was over I bought two pairs of earrings and a necklace that I predict will fall apart by lunchtime.

12:12 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

Then remember when I told you that there's a Forever 21 at Pentagon City mall and you cried?

AND do you realize after you left I gulped down the rest of your gin and tonic and kissed strange boys?

Btw, congrats on the 22 lbs, hot mama.

2:20 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

angela: I guess not, because while I have noticed a huge difference in the way I look, other people keep telling me that I've lost weight. Odd.

heather anne: Maybe I'll forward this post on to them. I'm sure they'll appreciate my rampant use of the word 'slut'in all of its variations.

heather: I also bought sunglasses for $4 and they're still fully functional and sitting upon my head right now. I give it another 3 weeks before they fall apart.

kim: Uhhh, only a little bit. Remember when I kept telling some guy that it was impossible for his girlfriend to be black and he said yes, she is, I kept telling him no, because I'm so very rude (and drunk) like that?

2:38 PM  
Anonymous Jurgen Nation said...

You ROCK, ladygirl. Holy fuck, 22 lbs. is awesome!! And the pants at those stores suck, anyway. Wooooot!! So proud of you!!

You've always been beautiful, though, I hope you know. :) ((HUG))

5:51 PM  

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