“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.” ~Voltaire
Some might see it as some sort of sadomasochist tendency to put myself through a crazy ass hell of driving for seven hours and thusly subsisting on Cinnabon and filet-o-fish and having to merge along with people who find pumping their own gas to be odd (Hello New Jersey!). I do it because on the return trip home I am guaranteed a stop at what might possibly be the happiest place on earth. Woodbury Commons - which I should probably be a spokeswoman for, given the enthusiasm that exudes when saying the words FENDI! OUTLET! – is a shopping
So, I have fat calves. Calves that are larger than Peg’s, which I know because I tried on her boot collection and none of her boots fit over my fat calves and I have a mother whose boot collection might rival Oprah’s. Thusly I wanted black mid-calf boots to go with my new winter white skirt. And you are kidding yourself if you’re thinking that I should already own a pair of black boots. Which I do, but obviously, semi ankle boots do not look cute with a knee length skirt, but mid-calf would be perfect. Everyone knows this. Henceforth a trip to the commons for boots and a sweater or two and I missed out on the last Kate Spade sample sale, so I should probably hook myself up there and really I do not have much more money than the guy who works the drive thru at Starbucks, so I’m not sure what I was thinking with my grandeur dreams of looking mighty hot and ski bunny like for the winter, but whatever.
Anyway, the words 40% off at Banana Republic, is kind of what led me to wake at so that I could be to the outlets when they opened at and then stand outside in the cold that is upstate NY and then gallop into the store to whisper sweet nothings to an incredibly soft black turtleneck. There may have been caressing, but that’s neither here nor there. Because when it comes to caressing, the thing that honestly got me off (How very Vincent Libretti of me) was the pink cashmere sweater at JCrew that was something like $13.50 with a free stock option. Then the boots, the perfect boots, from Nine West that were approximately $12.47 and then they threw in free shoe shine because the people at Nine West are so very giving and into the spirit and then it was time to go home.
The problem that has arisen it that I have such lovely clothing in my closets now, particularly the boots with a cute (wool) black skirt and the pink cashmere sweater are making me tremble. Alas, I once made the mistake of wearing cashmere in 70 degree weather because I don’t know where my head was at and all because it was fucking October and I expected cold. And as you can imagine it is now the final day in November and 70 degrees therefore I am not sporting any incredibly soft cashmere and this is what is bothering me more than anything in the world. Because I am nothing if not hot in pink cashmere and when I finally get around to being able to wear it in like February, you will be the first to know.
And apropos of absolutely nothing else save for the fact that I will be babysitting for the rest of my natural life (you know, before the spreading of the ashes all over an outlet mall); I spent an hour last night saying “Noah, where’s Heather?” so that he would at least point to me and acknowledge my existence. Instead, my dear shmoop, proved that he is considerably more intelligent than I already suspected and he has perfected the quintessential “Are you fucking kidding me?” look and then went back to playing with a sock. That’s my boy.
*I’m the worst hiatus taker ever in life. I am also nothing if not dedicated. I’m a lot of things though, but apparently never enough.