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Thursday, November 30, 2006

More importantly*

“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.” ~Voltaire

Some might see it as some sort of sadomasochist tendency to put myself through a crazy ass hell of driving for seven hours and thusly subsisting on Cinnabon and filet-o-fish and having to merge along with people who find pumping their own gas to be odd (Hello New Jersey!). I do it because on the return trip home I am guaranteed a stop at what might possibly be the happiest place on earth. Woodbury Commons - which I should probably be a spokeswoman for, given the enthusiasm that exudes when saying the words FENDI! OUTLET! – is a shopping Mecca. If I died tomorrow, I’d possibly want my ashes spread somewhere between the Kate Spade outlet and JCrew. Actually if I died tomorrow I’d maybe want my ashes spread around a Trader Joe’s, not that I’ve given this any thought. But I digress.

So, I have fat calves. Calves that are larger than Peg’s, which I know because I tried on her boot collection and none of her boots fit over my fat calves and I have a mother whose boot collection might rival Oprah’s. Thusly I wanted black mid-calf boots to go with my new winter white skirt. And you are kidding yourself if you’re thinking that I should already own a pair of black boots. Which I do, but obviously, semi ankle boots do not look cute with a knee length skirt, but mid-calf would be perfect. Everyone knows this. Henceforth a trip to the commons for boots and a sweater or two and I missed out on the last Kate Spade sample sale, so I should probably hook myself up there and really I do not have much more money than the guy who works the drive thru at Starbucks, so I’m not sure what I was thinking with my grandeur dreams of looking mighty hot and ski bunny like for the winter, but whatever.

Anyway, the words 40% off at Banana Republic, is kind of what led me to wake at 5:30 AM so that I could be to the outlets when they opened at 8AM and then stand outside in the cold that is upstate NY and then gallop into the store to whisper sweet nothings to an incredibly soft black turtleneck. There may have been caressing, but that’s neither here nor there. Because when it comes to caressing, the thing that honestly got me off (How very Vincent Libretti of me) was the pink cashmere sweater at JCrew that was something like $13.50 with a free stock option. Then the boots, the perfect boots, from Nine West that were approximately $12.47 and then they threw in free shoe shine because the people at Nine West are so very giving and into the spirit and then it was time to go home.

The problem that has arisen it that I have such lovely clothing in my closets now, particularly the boots with a cute (wool) black skirt and the pink cashmere sweater are making me tremble. Alas, I once made the mistake of wearing cashmere in 70 degree weather because I don’t know where my head was at and all because it was fucking October and I expected cold. And as you can imagine it is now the final day in November and 70 degrees therefore I am not sporting any incredibly soft cashmere and this is what is bothering me more than anything in the world. Because I am nothing if not hot in pink cashmere and when I finally get around to being able to wear it in like February, you will be the first to know.

And apropos of absolutely nothing else save for the fact that I will be babysitting for the rest of my natural life (you know, before the spreading of the ashes all over an outlet mall); I spent an hour last night saying “Noah, where’s Heather?” so that he would at least point to me and acknowledge my existence. Instead, my dear shmoop, proved that he is considerably more intelligent than I already suspected and he has perfected the quintessential “Are you fucking kidding me?” look and then went back to playing with a sock. That’s my boy.

*I’m the worst hiatus taker ever in life. I am also nothing if not dedicated. I’m a lot of things though, but apparently never enough.


Anonymous LisaBinDaCity said...

You are truly a woman after my own heart. I did a "bit" of shopping after the holidays as well.

11:00 AM  
Blogger Heather Anne said...

I was going to do that shopping at 4:00 am thing at Toys R Us. And then my alarm clock went off. Never happened. I got out of bed at 10:00.

11:08 AM  
Blogger GirlGoyle said...

Oh shit...they do exist...those people that get up at the ass crack of dawn to shop. I just can't think of anything I want to buy THAT bad. More power to you!

11:46 AM  
Anonymous Lawyerish said...

Woodbury Commons. Awwww, yeah. My brother and his family live right up near there, and come to think of it, I've only shopped there ONCE. Once! I don't know why. Clearly, this is a situation that must be remedied post haste.

12:01 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

LisaB: And I can say the same for you, my dear. Yeah I went shopping at Woodbury and then bought two shirts from Threadless. So much for giving.

Heather Anne: I should have explained that this was Sunday, and I left early to get there early because I had to drive 7 hours back to DC and I knew that it would take longer if I left in the middle of the day. Thus the reason for getting up at 5:30 AM. Friday through Saturday I sat on my ass in my pj's until 6 PM when I would then get up and go eat leftovers.

GirlGoyle: hahahahahaha Yeah, no. See above.

Lawyerish: And don't you live in NYC? How have you only been once?? I couldn't imagine my life without that place. I love it.

12:14 PM  
Anonymous Stephanie said...

What day did you go? Because the Commons opened up at midnight... MIDNIGHT!!!... on Black Friday. I'm not sure if they stayed open right through the whole day or not, but DAMN, talk about opening early!

4:09 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Yes, they did open at Midnight, though I went on Sunday. And apparently I missed the stampede at Coach over 20% off. Seriously.

4:12 PM  
Anonymous Gooseberried said...

I'm jealous. Totally jealous. I love clothes more than I love my own parents.

5:40 PM  
Blogger Allison said...

I, too, have fat calves. Eddie Bauer makes some "double wide" boots for us. I can't bear to be buying something called double wide.

7:32 PM  
Blogger Dagny said...

That sounds like one of the most fantastic shopping outings I have heard in quite some time.

11:42 PM  
Anonymous alyndabear said...

I literally did a dance of joy when I found a pair of knee highs that actually FIT this winter.

2:52 AM  
Blogger EDW said...

I love Woodbury. I have fat calves, too, and bought the pull-on black boots from Nine West two years ago. I keep them in pristine condition in case I never find another pair that fit. They have a great heel, high but you can still walk in it.

4:44 PM  

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