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Sunday, November 26, 2006

You must not know

“Oh baby you ever seen Saturn
No, not the car but everywhere we are
You sure to see stars” – Jay Z

I spent several hundred miles doing the impossible; actually it was an experiment of sorts to see whether or not I’d toss myself off the Delaware Memorial Bridge after listening to B’day six times in a row. And you will be happy to know that listening to Beyonce for 8-ish hours won’t actually force your brains out of your ears, though you’ll begin to feel the opening bass of Jay-Z’s voice in your eyeballs after the fifth or so time. No other adverse affects though, save for the fact that I’ve been telling people to the left, to the left, everything you own in a box to the left. It was somewhere between hours seven and eight though when I started doing my own choreography to Ring the Alarm so I decided to stop and think nice thoughts about the people in New Jersey who can’t fucking drive. Seriously, every time I give them the benefit of the doubt and think that this time they’ll drive like normal people who can pump their own damn gas, and yet every damn time, they cannot. Merging, people, isn’t really all that difficult and doesn’t require much brain power though maybe I’m mistaken.

Now, when I say I’m from Upstate NY, I mean UPSTATE. Like with deer and bunnies in the backyard and cows down the street and a vast collection of Birkenstock footwear for all of your crunchy granola needs. And in Upstate NY, we don’t really do the wireless, we do the DSL and we do it well. Thus every attempt to I dunno make my bloglines not look like something threw up all over it (now I’m afraid to check) was met with a warning and lots of words and jibberish about checking my internet connection and then I ate more stuffing and watched Little People, Big World. Rinse and repeat.

There are stories of course, about how I’ve aged gracefully and how a woman with a hot ass boot collection managed to give birth to a girl who believes that Reefs should be worn year round and a brother – the Prodigal Son – who has been channeling Marcus Garvey, why I don’t have a bed (haven’t for three months now), why I don’t have a new laptop, why I’ll be taking two consecutive trips to Alabama (I already feel real blessed with a hankering for some grits to boot) and well…dwarfism.

My bedroom looks like Hiroshima after the atom bomb and I have new boots and winter white skirt to frolic around in. But really I’m in a semi OK mood and I managed not to kill anyone on the Beltway (from the Latin for ‘parking lot’) mostly because the Whisper Song was on during those last few crucial moments and nothing says it’s the Lord’s day like a song with the lyrics “walk around the club with your thong in your mouth”. Really.

I hope you all had equally thrilling Thanksgivings and I plan to be in a semi good mood until December 26th (ish).


*So as you see, Abigail; Socially Awkward Barbie™ is still alive and kicking.
**Also, While away, I missed you all so much. Tears. Really. Must now spend the remainder of my natural life catching up on your lives.

7 Comments:

Anonymous Gooseberried said...

"And in Upstate NY, we don’t really do the wireless, we do the DSL and we do it well."

Haha!

Missed you too! Had to catch up actually!

Happy late Thanksgiving!

-Shelle

9:30 PM  
Anonymous Jacynth said...

The Whisper Song always gets me in a good mood. Probably because the Yin Yang Twins are just so damn funny looking and I can't help but picture them singing the song.

Glad you had a good turkey day!

1:03 AM  
Anonymous alyndabear said...

Welcome back! I missed my dose of Heather.

My kidlets at school have been practicing walking in straight lines, and of course I went off in hysterical giggles after I told them to keep to the left (to the left!)

xo

4:27 AM  
Blogger Kris said...

WE CAN PUMP OUR OWN GAS ALREADY IT'S JUST AGAINST THE LAW.

crickets.

clearly I listened to a little too much of Paula Abdul's Spellbound on Amtrak yesterday.

9:23 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

gooseberried: It's all the damn trees blocking the special wireless thingies. It's infuriating. Anyway, Thanks!

jacynth: You should see me after a few vodka tonics when the song comes on...yeah. That song is so dirty that it's hilarious. Or perhaps I'm just crude.

alyndabear: You know, when I wrote this, I was wondering whether or not you'd have any idea what I was talking about. Obviously I'm an idiot.

kris: Tree frogs, baby. Tree frogs. Y'all still can't drive. Ok, well you can, but the rest of the state, save the people driving between Perth Amboy and Morristown, just cannot. Better question, is there a high rate of drivers that do poorly on the merging portion of the test?

9:34 AM  
Blogger Dagny said...

I love that song, "Irreplaceable." Watched the video way too many times this weekend. Also love "The Whisper Song." I have it on a mix CD I used to play when I had a much longer commute.

9:56 AM  
Blogger Heather Anne said...

Everything you own in a box to the left! You crack me up. That's my favorite part of that song, by the way. I'm glad you are home safely. :)

11:15 AM  

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