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Tuesday, December 12, 2006

I promise to stop tomorrow. Maybe.

“Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?” ~Winnie the Pooh

I’m caught between a rock and a phlegm storm that I’ve been trying to ward off via airborne and water and a myriad of citrus fruits. Yet nothing works and I can feel the snot dripping away diligently down my throat and the mucus just laughs and scoffs. And as with most everything in my life, I’m projecting that this will all lead to a dire and tragic bronchitis/strep thing and none of this has helped my current stress right now, in fact it only makes things worse.

Not that I really have anything to stress over, but it’s just more in the great moments of projection and I’m begninnig to think that spending so much time alone with just a bottle of wine and DVR for company, bodes terribly unwell for my tendency to over think things. Last week, clearly being the best, with the whole being completely ALONE. ALL WEEK. With nothing but the vino and I turned off my crackberry and phone and just spent the week alone in Kris’ apartment obsessing about the inane and using her perfume which is so very Single White Female of me. All the while relishing in the fact that I could walk in, go to the bathroom and not have anyone come in literally 15 seconds after I walk in the door, knocking requesting that they be able to use the fucking bathroom. I also missed out on a weeks worth of ‘Hey there…’ conversations while I’m trying to find my coat or fish the last package of oatmeal off the top of the refrigerator. Case in point: Living alone fucking rocks.

Anyway, without the distraction of other people, sharing my oxygen I’m free to stumble around and with a glass of wine and order Over the Hedge via On Demand and think about every situation and every single solitary outline in such meticulous fashion that I contemplated charts and graphs and possibly began talking to myself. None of this necessitates full on detail of the object of my neuroses, but it all leads back to me just fucking caring. Even when I say that I don’t care, which I say more often and not, out of fear and wanting to protect myself, I care immeasurably and I worry and then I spend my days eating Poptarts and thinking the worse, and caring more and then questioning my ability – which I seriously lack – to convey the ways in which I care and subsequently fear.

Consequently I’ll live up to my title of Biggest Lush (this is the first time I’ve won anything since being elected Anderson Hall representative to the Student Confederation General Assembly during my sophomore year of college. And please stop me when I’ve fully disclosed just how terribly unpopular I have been for my entire life), and drink some more and over think my over thinking (and my Christmas list, because dear lord, I have yet to figure out what I’m getting a single solitary anyone ever and people will hate me and want me dead because I didn’t get them the perfect gift. Ahem) and realize that I still need to chill the hell out and find ways to say things with utmost sincerity and hope that one knows that I mean them.

7 Comments:

Blogger GirlGoyle said...

OMG you do need to chill...that last paragraph I had to read in one breath. Almost turned blue. No gifts for Xmas this year. I tell you it's the safest way to go! Oh...and sharing living space sux to the umpteenth degree so enjoy the solitude it while you can.

11:47 AM  
Anonymous Lawyerish said...

In the words of Depeche Mode, enjoy the silence. There is so much good to being alone, although unquestionably it can overfeed one's neuroses, as there's no one else there to distract you from the running monologue in your head and no one to bounce ideas off of, in the vein of, "Is this the craziest thing you've ever heard, or...?"

But anyway, you're fine and you're thoughtful and great, and I'm sure you'll find Christmas presents for everyone.

12:02 PM  
Anonymous Angela said...

Yes, living alone is truly awesome. I'll miss it terribly.

Hope you feel better--and relax woman! I kind of feel all stressed now just reading this!

5:43 PM  
Anonymous Gooseberried said...

I've lived alone since March (yes, even in my little dorm room) and I often talk to myself.

You should go get a professional massage! I've never had one, but I've heard they work wonders.

6:17 PM  
Blogger EDW said...

I love this post, and it doesn't stress me out in the least. I think this way sometimes, and some very rare times I will open my mouth and say this sort of thing and my friends will back away slowly, either in person or over the phone and then I realize maybe stream of conciousness is NOT the way to go.

But you did this imperfectness perfectly.

11:11 PM  
Anonymous sandra said...

Hey, everyone likes a winner - and if the winning means being "biggest lush"...embrace it. As you are.

10:15 AM  
Anonymous LisaBinDaCity said...

RELAX. Breathe deeply. Now rent every reality show you ever wanted from NetFlix ;-)

You WILL get through the holidays!

11:18 AM  

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