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Wednesday, December 06, 2006

I'll take 'Chill the hell out' for $400, Alex

“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.” ~Dale Carnegie

Before the incident with Lauren Narckiwiez wherein she stole my seat on the bus and so I hit her on the head with a poster, I was pretty much an easy going person who wanted to be a people pleaser and have everyone love and adore me, because I was needy. I was desperate to be around people at an alarming rate and because I wanted everyone to like me I had no selection process of who I would let into my life and so it was a giant clusterfuck like free for all. Of that four year period, I enjoyed approximately four months.

Being perfectly content to be alone with a bottle of wine and selections from the Trader Joe’s frozen food aisle and the internet, is not necessarily a bad thing. I leave the house and socialize and then retreat back into my hibernating state for a few days, rinse and repeat. Throw in my aversion for actual conversation unless accompanied by a glass of wine and really I have no business being a full functioning adult and really would be better off alone. Then again that couldn’t possibly work, I can’t spend the next 60 years being a true to form misanthrope, so I practice being a good conversationalist.

While most people need not take Simple Conversation 101, I do. I just find it difficult to convey things sometimes; thoughts, feelings, whatever. Everything that comes out usually makes me seem an inept loser who should be shot or something and 99% of the time anything that I might want to say or convey, needs to be thought about over and over and over again and sprinkled with sincerity so that I don’t come off as a flaming narcissistic bitch. It’s work, to say the least and what it all boils down to, is that I need to get a fucking grip.

It’s not like this is some huge epiphany and a light bulb went off and I had my ‘Aha!’ moment, it’s just that the average person can handle basic conversation without ending up with a noticeable tick and the average person can easily give and receive compliments without yelling or going into dramatic hyperbole and hysterics and/or analyzing every other word. And at some point I’ll be able to go an entire week without the dire need to discuss in detail and ad nauseum the ways in which I am socially awkward. That last bit would be my holiday gift to you.

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9 Comments:

Anonymous guinness girl said...

I like to respond to all requests, personally, with "Suck it, Trebek." I recommend you do the same.

3:20 PM  
Anonymous Lawyerish said...

I think I could benefit from Simple Conversation 101. I am horrid - HORRID - at small talk. No likey.

5:30 PM  
Blogger wunelle said...

Here. You can use some of my fucking grip.

Because I myself have so much to spare.

;-)

5:39 PM  
Anonymous Michelle said...

I like the word clusterfuck.

I recently went to a drag show. That's right. And the extremely funny host, who was able to conjure up a joke that made me laugh an actual rib out of my side without even thinking about it, said something that has become my new motto for everything in life. One, because it's funny. Two, because it works. And that is:

"Take a chance you stupid ho!"

Please laugh. No crying. It's meant to be funny, not mean. :)

6:41 PM  
Blogger Dagny said...

I have found that storing up endless amounts of useless trivia comes in handy at times when conversation is required. But not in a Cliff Clavin kind of way. Start off with tidbits on how various forms of alcohol are made.

8:38 PM  
Blogger SUEB0B said...

We are WAY too alike. Red wine, check. Trader Joes frozen food, check. Alone, check, check, check.

Here is my patented soln to small talk, which I learned from being a reporter. You don't have to talk at all, other than to ask open-ended questions. People LOVE to talk about themselves and will get so freaking busy telling you their life story that they won't even notice you haven't said anything. And they will think you are brilliant and witty to boot. It is the weirdest thing.

Forgive me if I have given you this advice before. I think it is such genius that I tell people about it all the time. It changed my life.

12:22 AM  
Blogger Lux Lisbon said...

I find a good bitch-slap can bring about the desired effect of "grip getting".

Although I often wonder why we fight our personalities tooth and nail. I say embrace your social awkwardness. I'm sure it's quite endearing.

3:41 AM  
Blogger Eric said...

Does an "Aha" moment include dancing inside of some weird cartoon with a girl you were stalking?

7:16 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

GG: Yup, that's a keeper. Thanks for the idea.

Lawyerish: I think that most everyone should take Simple Conversation 101. I hear the professor's pretty hot too. Which is obviously the only reason that I'd ever sign up for a class. Nevermind...

Wunelle: As always, thank you. Also, last night I went to McD's solely for the DC and I thought of you.

Michelle: "Take a chance you stupid ho" is another phrase I need to use more often. I'm fairly risk averse. But I'm sure that you all haven't figured that one out yet.

Dagny: When you get a chance, I'd like a full post on how to make a good bottle of pinot noir. Thanks.

Suebob: Dude, that's why I totally heart you. And if you ever approach me with your red stapler again, I'll hug you instead of gripping my wine glass harder. :-)

Lux: Strangely enough, there are actual people to find all of these quirky things about me to be cute and/or adorable. I know! Crazy! Right?!

Eric: Sure! whatever floats your boat, I suppose. And hopefully that girl can embrace the stalking.

9:56 AM  

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