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Tuesday, December 19, 2006

It's like a really bad episode of Standoff

“Anger ventilated often hurries toward forgiveness; and concealed often hardens into revenge.” ~Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

Well, I’m speechless. I’m rarely speechless. With the amount of hot air that exudes from my mouth and the way sentences flow from my fingers, I am the last person who has nothing to say. But oh my hell, it’s Tuesday. TUESDAY. And last night after coming home from a perfectly lovely dinner at Vidalia (eh, Bistro Bis is better) I went into the kitchen to find the wine opener and lo, it was still a disaster area and the Pillsbury doughboy must be having a motherfucking field day.

And you ask the requisite ‘Where was your roommate?’ Well, she was at home in the living room cuddling with her boyfriend on the couch and then they stood up and they began canoodling in the middle of the living room for, while I stood and poured my shiraz and silently cursed her and willed her to clean her shit up. They stopped briefly so that she could ask whether or not I enjoyed peanut brittle. Though on occasion I do partake in that buttery and nutty good stuff, I pursed my lips together and sighed then clenched my jaw so that I could politely decline. But if I hadn’t been feeling polite I would have said something to the effect of: “Yes, I would really like some Peanut Brittle, but what I would really enjoy right now is a clean kitchen. So unless that Peanut Brittle is also some sort of new fangled Clorox cleanup sponge, I would like for you to clean you fucking flour off the god damn counter and then shove the peanut brittle up your ass.”

But like I said, I am feeling polite. I haven’t even been my usual passive aggressive self because I don’t know what to think. What if it’s there for the rest of the year? Why should I be the bigger person and clean it up? It’s not my mess. If it were a few crumbs, then fine, OK, I’d grumble and move on, but there is flour in places that there shouldn’t be flour and how one manages to get chocolate on a cutting board that they weren’t even using, is beyond me. But oh my hell…(breathe)…What do I do? Because this is out of hand and it’s now Tuesday morning. Oh yes, Tuesday motherfucking morning and I’ve been to the gym, showered, etc. and she has checked her email, made breakfast and I sat and watched her glance around the kitchen, while I burned a hole into the back of her head with my eyes, because how do you glance around the kitchen, sigh and then keep walking?? HOW?

I just don’t know anymore, and I swear to God, if she leaves for Hawaii and that shit is still there, well all I have to say is that the lease is in MY name.



Blogger Liz said...

I feel you, H. I hate a dirty kitchen more than just about anything.

9:44 AM  
Anonymous zandria said...

Oh, roommate woes! Those are the most awful ones of all. Which is exactly why I recently moved into a place by myself, because I just couldn't stand the thought of putting up with anybody else. I would've had the EXACT same reaction if a roommate left my kitchen in such a state! :)

9:52 AM  
Anonymous Sweet said...

Damn. I'm with you. One of my roomies seems incapable of cleaning things that would take no time! For some reason things just never seem to make it out of the sink and into the dishwasher for her. I'm always surprised that people can be so oblivious.

10:31 AM  
Blogger I-66 said...

Hold on.

There are no bad episodes of Standoff.

That said, I think you should start leaving numbered cards around where there are spots of food (like collecting evidence on CSI) and see what change that affects.

10:54 AM  
Blogger Kris said...

This is why WE should have been roommates.

11:00 AM  
Blogger changapeluda said...

For most of this post I envisioned snapped off little (bitesized) pieces of Peanut brittle being shoved up someone's butt. Ewwww.
you're funny.

12:31 PM  
Anonymous Gooseberried said...

Haha! You're so funny! This is exactly how I've felt at times with old roommates I've had, especially when one of them brought home a cat knowing full well that I am deathly (seriously, I could go to the hospital) allergic to cats.

I love that concluding line about the lease being in your name. Classic!

12:55 PM  
Blogger Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

Now while I can sympathize with your roommate because..gah!...baking is hard and time consuming and did I mention hard! The last thing you want to do is scrape the flour from behind every appliance and scrub the errant chocolate off the walls and cupboards (chocolate flies, I am just sayin')...

...I can say all of this guilt-free because I live alone.

1:18 PM  
Anonymous Stephanie said...

Are the cupcakes still out? If they are, just toss them and tell her they were stale and see what happens. Oh wait, you're trying to avoid the passive-aggressiveness and conflict? Hmmm...

1:47 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Liz: I mean it's where you cook your food. The food that then goes into your mouth. It's annoying and it makes it difficult for anyone else to cook in there.

Zandria: I actually did live by myself for awhile and it was glorious and I was free to make as many messes as I wanted.

Sweet: What I didn't understand was how it was possible to not add in that extra time to clean up at the end of cooking? I mean I understand baking being a lot of work, thus the reason for why I never do so, but that extra 15 minutes to put the shit in the dishwasher would have been awesome.

I-66: Whatever, Standoff is awful. But I'm liking the CSI idea or how about a really bad episode of 24 (which is good!) and it can take 24 hours to find out where the mess is and she will blow up the apartment if she doesn't clean up.

Kris: Uhhh, no. Sorry. But you missed that week when I stayed in your apartment and used your stuff and it took me to the last minute to clean up after myself. So yeah, thanks but you'd kill me.

Changapeluda: Assy brittle. Awesome. Now I'm going to be averse to brittle.

Gooseberried: Ok, that's some dumb shit right there. Who does that?? Why would anyone do that?? Who are these idiots who cannot live with others.

Marci: Yes, I know. But she doesn't live alone. She has a roommate who would appreciate being able to cook her lame microwwave meals in peace.

(P.S. I had a sweet crepe with nutella, strawberries and whip cream on Sunday. Then I died.)

Stephanie: No, they're not still out because I put them away! Grrrrrr. But I should toss them because they had already dried out.

2:28 PM  
Blogger honeykbee said...

Sadly every episode of Standoff is a bad episode of Standoff. Just as most roommates are bad roommates.

3:28 PM  
Blogger a.nort said...

Ok. I don't know how you have survived the messy kitchen this long. I would have flipped the fuck out two days ago!
As i see it, you have two options.
A. ask her nicely to please clean up the mess she made 4 days ago, and explain that a messy kitchen drives you crazy, and this best not happen in the future
B. (to continue on that thought above)
clean it yourself, which will REALLY piss you off, then go right ahead and flip the fuck out at her, tell her you can't live with Miss Messy (don't forget to tell her where she can put her peanut brittle--ha ha loved that!), and that...well you get the picture.

Love your blog by the way :)

4:47 PM  
Blogger Bone said...

And suddenly, my kitchen seems much cleaner :) Thanks for that.

You're hilarious, HB!

7:03 PM  
Anonymous Abigail said...

B--I am back. Sorry I feel down the rabbit hole. My kitchen is always a mess on account of the crazy people I live with. I keep all my groceries at my office. No joke.

Was your strawberry and nutella crepe from Cafe Bonaparte?

11:00 PM  
Blogger Lindsay Jo said...

Living with roommates is the closest I've ever come to homicide.

Here is a picture of my own kitchen experience located at my retired blog:

Kitchen Skank.

At one point the rotting, crusting dishes sat for so long that we had about 20 flies congregating on the main floor of our place.

Although I must say, the most memorable roommate moment was when I got out of bed, had a shower, came back to my room in a towel and found my boyfriend's 20 year old brother sitting at my bf's computer, blasting some pop punk crap like Blink 182, completely oblivious to how he was violating my life.

Sometimes you just have to stare in disbelief, walk away, and chain smoke.

I will stick a cattle prod in my anus before I ever take on the endeavor of roommates again.

By the way, I enjoy your blog!

12:28 AM  
Blogger margalit said...

I had a roomate like that when I was in grad school, and one day I had SO had enough of the filth so I took all the dirty plates and utensils out of the sink, and placed them neatly atop her bed. She couldn't really avoid a pile of filty dishes on her bed, and she got the message that she had left them all over the kitchen for days.

I can't stand shit like that. It makes me really passive aggressive. Now I only have to deal with my 14 year old kids that are total slobs and 'forget' to clean up after themselves. The remedy? They now are responsible for the kitchen.

2:29 AM  
Anonymous kerrianne said...

OH, how this post just sent me careening back to Life With Roommates, and, more specifically, Life With The Roommate That Would Drop Anything! In The Middle Of The Kitchen Floor, And Leave It! There, Indefinitely, As If She Had Never Owned It.

3:07 AM  
Blogger GirlGoyle said...

Roommates suck! All of them. Every single one of them. I have horror stories of roommates. To the point of deciding that I'd rather be poor than share my living space with biped pigs! I feel your pain.

6:26 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Honeykbee: I should probably point out that I've never actually seen an episode of Standoff...bygones.

A.nort: I'm trying really hard not to be passive agressive about it, so instead I write about it on my blog. Lord, one day she'll find this and I'll be fucked. Oh well...

Bone: I have a feeling that given your OCD tendencies, your kitchen is ALWAYS spotless.

Abigail: HI! I missed you! And yes, Cafe Bonaparte and of course I thought of you. I went twice in less than 24 hours. That place is delicious.

Lindsay Jo: Cattle prod to the anus, hmm? It's not quite that least not yet. And thank you ;-)

Margalit: I came thisclose to doing just that. Maybe next time.

Kerrianne: That's the shit that kills me. How does one walk past a disaster and act like it doesn't exist? My bedroom is awful, but it's MY bedroom not the common area.

Girlgoyle: Honestly she's not that bad. She's a very nice and lovely person but she picked the wrong week to piss me off.

Ok, now I will tell you all that I emailed her yesterday afternoon about a few things and asked whether or not she was done with the Kitchen so that I could get in and do some baking (Read: place already made cookies from a package to the oven) and she apologized for the mess that was spread throughout the house she's been busy with work and she's sick. So at least she was apologetic and I'm probably just being pissy. But whatever.

9:20 AM  
Blogger Lux Lisbon said...

I think this girl is has just earned the title of Queen of the Passive Aggressive. I can't wait to see who is going to win in the battle of "Who is more stubborn" This is like TV!


9:24 AM  

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