Just minutes after professing my love for the c-word. Yes, the c-word the one that causes the Swiss to go into a catatonic state, which she can only be brought out of with the offering of a generous offering of Chardonnay. We’re talking goblet, people. Anyway that c-word…I was told: “no one splices the f-word in with such a large prolific vocabulary like you do.” Which induced an aww, how precious out of me, but also a mildly disturbed type feeling that I am truly unable to find a post without rampant use of the f-word. It’s like the search for the Giants in the playoff: you think you might find one, but whoops, nope, almost, not quite. Any piece of writing that I can find without saying motherfucker to people in the grocery store, isn’t all that entertaining and mostly me being angry about how incredibly unfair my life is. It’s like No Pasa Nada: We complain so that you don’t have to. How thoughtful!
In some ways, it’s funny the way in which I can toss the word ‘fuck’ around and the different ways that one can use it and well…anyone who can use ‘cunt’ in a sentence without flinching and with utmost authority is one that you might not want to fuck with. But it’s so very crass. And none of this is coming from a power up on high who scolded me for calling someone a douche bag whore, but because ‘douche bag whore’ is just so very uncreative. It’s as if I never stepped foot into a classroom and that $34,000 tuition went straight to Ben Ladner’s foie gras addiction, and actually that last bit is true, for it did.
So…now thinking on this…I’m not exactly ready to you know, curb the use of the word ‘fuck’ it’s just such a glorious word, but I am committed to creativity with the English language. It’s hard and it sucks like a 16 year old on prom night, but there’s so much that can be done with it. And sometimes…well sometimes I get giddy. Heartbreakingly giddy when I go through and realize that I’ve called tourists ‘fucking mother fuckers who can’t fucking drive’ no less than three times. And perhaps, I could refer to them as ‘asinine dip shits who couldn’t retrieve there head out of their own asses even if John Roberts himself did the pulling. And even then they might be too busy attempting to kiss his ass in excitement.” I was going to add an Ann Coulter reference, but even that was too dirty for a family site like this one. Eh, whatever maybe I’ll just call annoying people ‘fucking cocksuckers’ and leave it that. Oh what fun it is to be completely crass.
All of this was written and saved to my mother’s laptop. Upon finding this her head will immediately fall off of her body and her heart will shrivel up to the size of a raisin. And if she hasn’t yet died from that, she’ll see the c-word written in plain sight and her brain will explode out of her nostrils. Deep down inside, she’s really, really proud.
*btw, I’m number one on google for “wry single female blog”. Rock on.