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Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Lexicon

“One man's frankness is another man's vulgarity.” ~Kevin Smith

Just minutes after professing my love for the c-word. Yes, the c-word the one that causes the Swiss to go into a catatonic state, which she can only be brought out of with the offering of a generous offering of Chardonnay. We’re talking goblet, people. Anyway that c-word…I was told: “no one splices the f-word in with such a large prolific vocabulary like you do.” Which induced an aww, how precious out of me, but also a mildly disturbed type feeling that I am truly unable to find a post without rampant use of the f-word. It’s like the search for the Giants in the playoff: you think you might find one, but whoops, nope, almost, not quite. Any piece of writing that I can find without saying motherfucker to people in the grocery store, isn’t all that entertaining and mostly me being angry about how incredibly unfair my life is. It’s like No Pasa Nada: We complain so that you don’t have to. How thoughtful!

In some ways, it’s funny the way in which I can toss the word ‘fuck’ around and the different ways that one can use it and well…anyone who can use ‘cunt’ in a sentence without flinching and with utmost authority is one that you might not want to fuck with. But it’s so very crass. And none of this is coming from a power up on high who scolded me for calling someone a douche bag whore, but because ‘douche bag whore’ is just so very uncreative. It’s as if I never stepped foot into a classroom and that $34,000 tuition went straight to Ben Ladner’s foie gras addiction, and actually that last bit is true, for it did.

So…now thinking on this…I’m not exactly ready to you know, curb the use of the word ‘fuck’ it’s just such a glorious word, but I am committed to creativity with the English language. It’s hard and it sucks like a 16 year old on prom night, but there’s so much that can be done with it. And sometimes…well sometimes I get giddy. Heartbreakingly giddy when I go through and realize that I’ve called tourists ‘fucking mother fuckers who can’t fucking drive’ no less than three times. And perhaps, I could refer to them as ‘asinine dip shits who couldn’t retrieve there head out of their own asses even if John Roberts himself did the pulling. And even then they might be too busy attempting to kiss his ass in excitement.” I was going to add an Ann Coulter reference, but even that was too dirty for a family site like this one. Eh, whatever maybe I’ll just call annoying people ‘fucking cocksuckers’ and leave it that. Oh what fun it is to be completely crass.

All of this was written and saved to my mother’s laptop. Upon finding this her head will immediately fall off of her body and her heart will shrivel up to the size of a raisin. And if she hasn’t yet died from that, she’ll see the c-word written in plain sight and her brain will explode out of her nostrils. Deep down inside, she’s really, really proud.


*btw, I’m number one on google for “wry single female blog”. Rock on.

15 Comments:

Anonymous Gooseberried said...

I honestly have no problems with hearing or saying 'cunt'. It's probably from hearing it in all those mafia movies my dad and I spent watching while my mom had a heart attack in the corner. :)

10:54 PM  
Anonymous jonniker said...

Only in the last year or so have I calmed down with the swearing. I don't know how or when it started, but I hardly ever swear anymore, which makes me a bit sad. I used to be able to effortlessly curse like a sailor, cunt and all, but lately...the mojo is gone. I say "freak" instead of "fuck" and I have been known (oh my God) to say 'shoot' in lieu of 'shit.'

11:27 PM  
Blogger Bone said...

"Upon finding this her head will immediately fall off of her body and her heart will shrivel up to the size of a raisin."

I think I saw that happen on South Park one time.

Rock on, indeed.

11:55 PM  
Anonymous Jorge said...

Weird.
I'm number one for "Rye Single Female Blog".

We should get together and form a dot com or something.

Merry Ho'Ho'

9:18 AM  
Blogger Lux Lisbon said...

What is it with the word cunt? Never understood the collective gasps you hear when one utters this word in front of person's who posses one. Personallt my only problem with it is it just doesn't have that je ne sais quoi.

10:41 AM  
Blogger Mocha said...

I like bad words. All those hard consonants.

ffff

ssshhhh

ttttt

ckckckck

ddddd

They make me happy like nothing else.

11:33 AM  
Blogger Wryter said...

Call me sometime. Seriously. We should talk.

John Roberts
CNN

-------------------------------
No.. call ME. Seriously. You could clerk for me. We should talk.

John Roberts
CJOTUS

12:12 PM  
Blogger Dagny said...

Hmmm. I was thinking that I do not use the word "fuck" nearly enough in my blog. Well, not as often as I say the word in a given day.

And as for the other word, I once had a roommate who was so noxious that she forced me to call her a "fucking cunt." I found it rather surprising how easily the words just rolled off my tongue. Not anymore.

4:54 PM  
Blogger CGHill said...

I tried to stir up some interest in the sort-of-euphemistic "corksoaking icehole," but got nowhere with it.

10:05 PM  
Blogger Love Monkey said...

I use the c word almost daily. But then I drive on the Mass Turnpike.

10:07 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

I just spent the day in NY with like 5 million tourists and my parents.

I've been waiting to scream this all day:

MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING HOLY SHIT BALLS! ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER YOU INDOLENT FUCKTARDS.

Thank you.

11:40 PM  
Blogger Malnurtured Snay said...

Happy New Year!

12:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have never understood who decided certain words were "cuss words" and made them wrong to say.

Wild about Doll Houses

9:41 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

We actually had this discussion the other day, why some words are so wrong to say and how this happened. No Clue. I wish I knew though.

6:04 PM  
Blogger metalia said...

I know you said it's uncreative, but "douche bag whore" is the best expletive I've heard in quite a while; I must find someplace in which to use it immediately...oh, wait. I take the subway every day. Done.

11:15 PM  

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